Take son to his Rebbe's shiva?

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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

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amother

Wed, Dec 24 2014, 7:29 am

My son's Rebbe's father passed away. Is it appropriate to take DS to the shiva? 2nd grade.

greenfire

Wed, Dec 24 2014, 7:32 am

yes - it's kovod

miami85

Wed, Dec 24 2014, 8:02 am

Probably depends on his maturity level. Does he want to go? Does he understand what happened? Are other boys going? Does he understand what a shiva house means?

MaBelleVie

Wed, Dec 24 2014, 8:03 am

Probably not. Unless you know the rebbe is OK with it I wouldn't even think about it

amother

Wed, Dec 24 2014, 8:04 am

Prepare him beforehand, but take him.

My son is 6 and has been to more than one shiva loy aleinu.

mommyla

Wed, Dec 24 2014, 8:50 am

Ask the school if they're encouraging the boys to go and if the rebbe is open to it. Or ask another mother if her kid is going, if there are two of them it may be less awkward.

If you don't take him, have him write a nice note and bring it to the rebbe if you're being menachem avel.

Shiva houses are tricky, it's a good idea to see if kids are wanted before you take them. The rebbe may feel uncomfortable having his students see him in a vulnerable position, or he may want them to come. Find out!

Iymnok

Wed, Dec 24 2014, 8:58 am

Many people today don't know the halachos of nichum aveilim. Learn the halachos together and go for maybe 5 minutes. It's a very worthwhile experience of done right. Also a rare mitzvah for a child to do.

Liebs

Wed, Dec 24 2014, 10:13 am

mommyla wrote:

I would go with this! Let him write a note. But most Rabbis feel pressure to be extra warm to kids when they see them outside of school and especially in front of parents. I don't think it's fair to put that on a person during the mourning period.

out-of-towner

Wed, Dec 24 2014, 10:33 am

Iymnok wrote:

This. I remember being Menachem Avel my third grade Rebbe. It was good Chinuch for me to understand the Halachos of Nichum Avielim.

Didi

Wed, Dec 24 2014, 10:48 am

My daughters teacher lost her Mom last year, my daughter was in grade 1. I took her along with two friends and the teacher was floored (in a good way) that I took them, hugged them all, spoke to them about what type of mitzvah they were doing and also I spoke to them about what they were going to see and how they should behave before we went.

pumpernickle

Wed, Dec 24 2014, 2:37 pm

I think its a kavod and a heartwarming thing to do. Children bring comfort and nechama. And he may appreciate the gesture + your child wll learn from this experience and remember it.

salt

Wed, Dec 24 2014, 11:43 pm

I don't think it's suitable to take a 7 year old to his rebbe's Shiva. Parents/father should go, without the child. That's my opinion.

SRS

Sat, Jan 24 2015, 5:54 pm

I'm of the opinion that Judaism covers it all and that children are part of the participatory process. I would (almost) never bring a child to a shiva house if the person lost was a child. But I see little problem taking a boy who can be respectful to a shiva house of for an adult who lost a parent. When it is a brother or a sister who passed, I'd need to think about the situation and the sensitivity. I just took one of my kids to a shiva house for an elderly lady that lost an elderly sister. If it was a Rebbe that lost a brother with young kids, that could be insensitive because seeing a father with his children might be painful if there are similar children that just lost their parent.

SRS

Sat, Jan 24 2015, 5:57 pm

If you aren't comfortable taking the child, a nice note would certainly be appropriate.

agreer

Sat, Jan 24 2015, 7:21 pm

When my father was sitting shiva for my grandfather, a friends from Shul came with his three boys ages 16, 13, and 8. We all thought it was so, so nice of them to come, especially the youngest. That is good chinch!

Go on a later day(5-6). I'm sure it will be appreciated.

FranticFrummie

Sat, Jan 24 2015, 7:36 pm

I second the suggestion to ask beforehand, and get a feel for how the family is coping with all of this. They get the final say.

DD has been to a couple of shivas, and a few funerals, and has always appreciated the sense of closure she gets from it. She's an extremely anxious child, and hates the unknown. There was a sense of security she got from the rituals that made her feel like she understood how we acknowledge the passing of a person who has been important to us.

I always made sure I cleared it with the family first and made sure that she would be welcome. She behaved beautifully, because I think she could just feel that this was not a time for her to seek attention or play.

boysrus

Sat, Jan 24 2015, 7:42 pm

all good responses, but I think they are a little late. The shiva was happening on december 24th, so I am sure the OP made a decision about it long ago...
just saying Wink

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