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Low attendance Bat Mitzvah - need advice



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amother


 

Post Thu, Jan 29 2015, 11:33 pm
Hi. My daughter's Bat Mitzvah is a little over a week away. Original guest list was 120, therefore I assumed at least 80 would be there. Rsvp list stands at 58 right now, with only 7 girls from my daughter's class promising to come. The hall has a minimum of 80. I'm really upset. Most of guests aren't bringing most family members, their sending a rep or two. I guess that's understandable, but I didn't figure everyone would do it like this. I wish I had known before I let my daughter talk me into a party like this. I just thought, at least for her Bat Mitzvah, she should have a little of what she wants.

Does anyone have experience with this? I don't care about cost at this point, I just want a full looking party. Need chizuk and advice please.
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OOTforlife




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 29 2015, 11:40 pm
Sorry Sad Are you in a community where the norm is to have much smaller bat mitzvahs than bar mitzvahs? Maybe turnout is low because people don't see it as an "event" the same way.

Can you recruit some last-minute guests? Open it up to the community or your shul members? Or maybe invite guests to bring their kids if they were planning to leave them with a sitter?
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ROFL




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 29 2015, 11:40 pm
Can you ask the hall to give you extra stuff instead of setting 80 places. For instance have an extra choclate fountain type of desert Also see if they can set the tables differently so the room looks fuller . Is there a way you can speak to your dd teacher to find out why only seven girls are coming ? Is it a question of transportation to the bat mitzvah, maybe you can hire a driver to drive the kids to the party?

Last edited by ROFL on Thu, Jan 29 2015, 11:41 pm; edited 1 time in total
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 29 2015, 11:40 pm
perhaps she could invite other kids she likes that are not from her class specifically - old friends from camp or people you didn't think of before because you had a big enough list ... also maybe not everyone remembers to rsvp
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gila-rina




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 29 2015, 11:48 pm
I'll second GF, people forget to rsvp. Also, if for example each table supposed to sit 10 people, ask the caterer to only put 8 chairs. You can always add the chairs/ settings later, if more guests show up.
Mazal tov!
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amother


 

Post Thu, Jan 29 2015, 11:48 pm
OP here: These are good ideas, we're going to try them. Regarding whether or not this is the norm in our community - it seems like there is such a range. Would 60 people lool good in a hall that has an 80 minimum? The food is already going to be so much, I don't think we can add more, but maybe there is something else that can be added to the hall.

I'm just so stressed and depressed about this. How can I beg people to bring more family members? And maybe last minute invitations look pathetic? I wanted to speak to the teacher, who my daughter didn't want to invite, but my daughter is mortified at the thought.
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amother


 

Post Thu, Jan 29 2015, 11:51 pm
gila-rina wrote:
I'll second GF, people forget to rsvp. Also, if for example each table supposed to sit 10 people, ask the caterer to only put 8 chairs. You can always add the chairs/ settings later, if more guests show up.
Mazal tov!


So - are you guys saying this is a normal problem? The chair thing is an awesomeidea. If the guests forget to rsvp, won't they forget to come?
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 30 2015, 1:14 am
It is time for you to start making phone calls NOW. Many people do not rsvp. Yes, it is unspeakably rude but etiquette is no longer taught in schools, and, it would seem, is also neglected in many homes. Also, if rsvp is by mail, these things do go astray--both your invites and the responses. You may call ppl and find out they never received the invitation.

Don't "beg" people to bring more family members. Encourage them. Call people whose kids you did not invite and tell them that you could not invite the kids initially because you weren't sure there would be room, but you see that there will be room and you would love for the kids to come. Or stress the family-reunion aspect to your relatives. For people you did not invite before but want to invite now, call to "follow up" because you haven't received their response card, be completely mystified or horrified, whichever will be more convincing, when they say they didn't receive an invitation, and send them a "replacement".

Caterers usually have room divider things that they use to block off unused space if an event is not going to fill the room to capacity.
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Tablepoetry




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 30 2015, 1:36 am
zaq has great idea. And yes, call everyone now and encourage them to bring their kids. It's not begging, it's adjusting to circumstances.
I wouldn't invite the teacher if she doesn't want to, that changes the entire dynamic for the girls. They probably won't feel that comfortable dancing etc in front of her.
You should look into why only 7 girls are coming, I assume from a class of at least 25. Thats really low. Is transportation an issue? If so, you have to be proactive. I always made sure all my kids' classmates had a way to get to the party. You either need to pair up kids who have parents who can drive with kids who don't, or organize a minibus (with one of you there too as chaperone, or a different adult).
If they aren't coming for other reasons, you may have to speak to the teacher. Is your dd having social difficulties at school? Or do kids there just not attend each others' parties? Did your dd go to most of the parties she was invited to?
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Tablepoetry




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 30 2015, 1:38 am
And btw, I always prefer to keep the seating cozy. Defintiely you can put less people to a table, but don't spread tables all over the hall. Keep them together, and try to define the space with dividers and decorations. Make a big separate area for dancing, etc.
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 30 2015, 4:06 am
I think 60 people is a lovely number, however you can expect a few last minute rsvps and people turning up who didn't rsvp. I don't think the hall will look empty with 60 people. For my daughters bas mitva I had 100 rsvps and at least 20-30 more people showed up.

why are so few of your dds class coming? I would focus on that. Arranging a minivan to bring them is a great idea. I remember at that age missing parties that were not local because my parents couldn't bring me.
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 30 2015, 5:24 am
Also try not to transmit your worries to your daughter. The number are less important then the positive feeling she is left with.
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sitting




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 30 2015, 7:17 am
U already have been givem good ideas. Def dont discuss numbers with ur daughter. Even if u jave already and she asks how many r coming now...just fudge....say u have to re count but ita gonna be great and did u know so and so is coming.etc. she's not gonna stand on the eve and count the guests or remember who was or wasnt there.
I dont think its rude to call some ppl last min and say u were on our list but list got to full. ....weve been given some more spaces and wld be honoured if u cld attend.
mazal tov
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amother


 

Post Fri, Jan 30 2015, 8:35 am
Please speak to the teacher about the class. When I was a kid, in addition to in class parties most girls did something at home too. My parents made me one for my 11th birthday. Never did it before as we lived in a very small apartment. I gave each girl an invitation yet out of 25 girls, only 5 came. I was so disappointed. My mother called some neighbors within a year older/younger than me and we ended up having less then 10 girls.

The next year for my bas mitzvah, all girls did parties at home only. My mother arranged with the teacher that the party would be right after school. The girls were split on 2 buses which stopped outside my building and at the corner of the road. Many girls wanted to go home and bring the "present prepared". I didn't "buy" it. I knew they wouldn't come if they went home first, just like the previous year. The few girls that did go home, as I had predicted, never came. I had close to 20 girls. I thank my mother for speaking up. Having no one attend your bas mitzvah would have been greatly disappointing.

This summer my son's classmate had a Sunday afternoon party. We had a family outing planned for the same time. We went an hour later on the outing in order that my son attend the first hour so that his classmate should not have his party ruined.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 30 2015, 9:03 am
See it that way if you can, in some frum circles, 60 to 100 is a wedding not a bat mitsva that would be only celebrated at home if at all.
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 30 2015, 9:10 am
Ruchel wrote:
See it that way if you can, in some frum circles, 60 to 100 is a wedding not a bat mitsva that would be only celebrated at home if at all.


that is kind of irrelevant. In the OPs circles obviously this type of bas mitzva is normal. 60-100 people is not so crazy if you have a bunch of relatives to invite. And the bas mitzva girl might be from a class of 50.

I find it so sad that classmates would not turn up to their friends bas mitzva. In my school that would be unheard of, unless someone was sick or something.
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Scrabble123




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 30 2015, 9:14 am
amother wrote:
Hi. My daughter's Bat Mitzvah is a little over a week away. Original guest list was 120, therefore I assumed at least 80 would be there. Rsvp list stands at 58 right now, with only 7 girls from my daughter's class promising to come. The hall has a minimum of 80. I'm really upset. Most of guests aren't bringing most family members, their sending a rep or two. I guess that's understandable, but I didn't figure everyone would do it like this. I wish I had known before I let my daughter talk me into a party like this. I just thought, at least for her Bat Mitzvah, she should have a little of what she wants.

Does anyone have experience with this? I don't care about cost at this point, I just want a full looking party. Need chizuk and advice please.


Is it possible that there is a date conflict? I'm not trying to blame you, but how far in advance did you send the invitations? When my parents made parties that they wanted people to attend they always sent a bookmark a year in advance, followed by reminders that were useful (pens, chip clips, etc.). It's probably too late for that and that may be over the top, but is it possible that many of the guests already committed themselves to another event? I find it very strange for all of her classmates to not attend? Follow up phone calls sound like a good idea. I'm sure it will work out and your daughter will be very happy!
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 30 2015, 9:53 am
amother wrote:
OP here:

I'm just so stressed and depressed about this. How can I beg people to bring more family members? And maybe last minute invitations look pathetic? I wanted to speak to the teacher, who my daughter didn't want to invite, but my daughter is mortified at the thought.


shouldn't a bas mitzva girl look past her mortification & invite the teacher out of respect ?
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morah




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 30 2015, 10:03 am
I would definitely start by calling people who didn't answer yet. Unfortunately, it is has become increasingly common to neglect rsvp-ing to events.
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spring13




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 30 2015, 10:10 am
Definitely call people, and make sure her closest friends are coming. Do you have an activities planned besides eating and dancing? If there's going to be a relatively small number of children/classmates, maybe you can organize some extra games or a craft or a chesed project so things stay busy and active.
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