Can any one help me!

tova5

Sun, Feb 08 2015, 12:10 pm

My sister just dropped me a bombshell, her dh went off the derech and she is planing to seperate! I'm shocked? How do I relate to her? Never in my life we thought something like this can happen to a normal frum yeshivish guy, with a large family! I dont mind if you want to personally contact me I cant handle that! Crying

youngishbear

Sun, Feb 08 2015, 12:17 pm

Tell her you're here for her, and you believe in her. She needs to hear that she has support.

Hugs for you too. You should find someone IRL to talk to.

zaq

Sun, Feb 08 2015, 9:52 pm

This is not about you, Tova5. Your sister is still your sister, and the state of her marriage and her dh behavior has nothing to do with that relationship. You relate to her the same way you related to her before, only with greater patience, tolerance and support. She will need every bit of support she can get: legal, emotional, social, child care, maybe financial. Give her what you can, help her get what she needs, and be a sympathetic listening ear.

I'm a little concerned that you say you never imagined that this could happen to a yeshivish GUY with a large family. Sounds like you are more concerned about your soon-to-be ex-bil than about your sister. I do hope I misunderstood.

MiracleMama

Sun, Feb 08 2015, 10:12 pm

Zaq, I think she mentioned "guy" cause he is the one who went otd, leading to the separation.

OP, just be there for her. If she lives close to you and you are able to, maybe offer to take her kids sometimes - if she is becoming a single mother she will need the break and it might be a nice distraction for those kids.

markmywords

Sun, Feb 08 2015, 11:08 pm

It sounds like your shock/reaction isn't just about what's happened, but about the fact that you didn't know about it before. All that glitters isn't gold. If she's telling you something's wrong, take her opinion at face value.
The fact that she didn't share may be because she didn't want the opinions of others to influence her choice. If your opinion or reaction has not been solicited, don't offer it.

kollel wife

Mon, Feb 09 2015, 11:58 am

I think you're all sounding a bit harsh to the OP.

Of course she has to be there for her sister. But she is still in shock.

I remember when my close friend told me she was separating. I was in shock for weeks - couldn't stop thinking about it. I was so sad for her. And it was such a huge feeling of sadness because I wasn't prepared for it at all. I had no clue in advance. She never discussed what was really going on at all.

That said. The OP has to shove those feeling aside and do whatever she can emotionally and physically to help her sister. This is also therapuetic for you. By busying yourself helping her, you will feel better/stronger more able to deal with this emotionally.

markmywords

Mon, Feb 09 2015, 3:44 pm

I think the phrase "how do I relate to her" can have two different meanings.
1) how do I relate to her meaning how do I interact with her, help her, what role should I play
2) how do I relate to her meaning how do I understand her situation, choice and reaction. Some people feel they have a hard time understanding and relating to another person's issues. This can sometimes come off as judgement.
Since the thread was started with "I'm in shock and can't imagine a frum guy with a big family going off the Derech, I read "how do I relate to..." as having the latter meaning.

tova5

Tue, Feb 10 2015, 3:55 am

thanks for all the help, what also is my problem to understand her husband, how can he do it? he has got everything! happy wife, kids, home, job, parents, in laws, siblings .... all what other people dont have, lived 45 years completly shomer torah umitzvos. now everyone is affected he broke his wife his kids his parents his siblings his friends.... everyone is broken!
my sister is wonderful! but broken. the whole family messed up!
can some one explain?????
a little dispute in the community happened that caused it but I still dont understand how someone could throw away everything because of that!!

chani8

Tue, Feb 10 2015, 4:11 am

A little dispute? I seriously doubt it was so 'little', for this man to react like this. For some reason, it crossed his red line of acceptability.

That said, it's a heartbreaking situation. Everyone is in shock and pain, and worried about your sister and her family.

On an airplane, they say to secure your own oxygen mask first, then help those around you. Apply that here. Make sure you're taking care of your stress from all this, and only then, reach out to help your sister in any way you can.

This doesn't have to personally 'break' you. Keep in mind your children need a calm mother, and a cheerful home.

markmywords

Tue, Feb 10 2015, 8:35 am

It doesn't sound like it's a response to one thing. His doubts and thoughts to leave may have been festering for an extremely long time and you are simply witnessing the end result of that path. Just as your sister didn't share the details of her life, her husband may have hidden his wishes from all. To make that choice without seeking help, though, would reflect a very selfish, immature approach to life and his role and responsibilities.