A question about being realistic

sourstix

Tue, Feb 17 2015, 9:08 pm

ds is 6. I asked him 30min ago to pack away some lego and some other small things lying together. am I being realistic in asking to pack it away? I get so many excuses like I will be tired tomorrow, tatty told me to go to sleep, he has no energy. why when I ask for a simple thing he wont cooperate? I have so much of this. I dont want to reward, as I have done that with disastrous results. this time I warned him if I have to say it more then 2 times I will either smack or take something away. I guess I was already so fed up with this time and again, that I smacked him. so he gave me this angry look. oh I needed to vent I am so angry with his noncompliance. hes always looking to get away with stuff. somehow dh deals better with him on a whole. I dont know if I did right or not. I do want to be positive. but that doesnt take away from having to discipline. I might have overeacted, but I need him to take me seriously. so now I am doubting myself. I definitely will discuss this with dh. I am thinking why cant he just listen with out arguing about everything? hes argumentative about almost everything. I cant deal with it. my mother is as argumentative as can be she will argue about wether its dark or light outside, she is impossible in this. maybe he has that trait. I dont know I sure hate it. oh he has beautiful things about him dont get me wrong. I am so frustrated. thanks for letting me vent. I used to have a beautiful schedule and would reward him with all kinds of prizes. that is not good obviously. so I stopped it. now I need to go back to it. to get some semblence of order. thank you imamother for having a place to vent.

Dolly Welsh

Tue, Feb 17 2015, 9:17 pm

Well, has he been around his Grandma?

I don't completely deny genetics, I am like relatives I have never met. But if he has heard her, and observed the power to annoy into helplessness, he might certainly latch onto it from example.

You might take your mother aside.

Most small children want the love of their mothers. Getting angry isn't distant, it's still near. There are ways to let somebody know you have no use for a certain aspect of their behavior, and that involves being cold and distant. An icy facial expression is enough.

But hurry. You have already taught him this is very interesting to you.

Absolutely anybody will fear their mother's anger, and some males, quite logically, as they are the warrior gender, want to know what'cha got and how far it goes. One way to do that is to provoke it and see. It is reassuring to him to find out how angry you can get. He then finds out that it is survivable, and feels better. After all you can't exchange him at the store. At six, he is sure of you.

In fact the more often you get angry, the more useful this strategy seems. It isn't something someone would think of around a mother who was rarely or never angry.

But don't be so darling.

Let him worry.

This is indeed an unacceptable trait, and I would put some ice on it right away so it doesn't swell.

He may even have to learn that stuff permitted his grandma is not permitted him Because That's The Way It Is and Too Bad If You Don't Like It. "You aren't grandma."

However, even that is a belittling experience for him, it teaches there isn't one law for all.

Bad.

TRY to shush your mother. If you can get her to agree on a signal or a Code Word to say when she starts that stuff, try for that. Then, maybe she will allow you to change the subject with contrition when you say the Word. Maybe "ice cream".

STOP reacting to a tiny boy as if he were a Person. He's a little kid.

Now, do remember, he is a male.

They aren't the soft, reasonable ones. But you and he should have an understanding and that needs parameters.

It is very important that he not be someone you can't stand, and your post is worrying.

ENLIST your husband. SUPER important.

Some of his toughness comes from you.

You ARE your mother's daughter. It's a tough family. But you aren't ill bred. Your mother is.

Hugs.

Last edited by Dolly Welsh on Tue, Feb 17 2015, 9:22 pm; edited 1 time in total

pause

Tue, Feb 17 2015, 9:19 pm

Ok , so first off, 8:30 is very late for a 6 year old child. In my house everyone under 7 has a bedtime of 7:00. You are expecting him to be cooperative at a very uncooperative time of day. I'm also cranky at the end of the day when it's past my bedtime.

Secondly, I think it is imperative for you to work on your consistency. Your child should know what to expect.

I have incorporated Dina Friedman's idea for a bedtime chart. It's working beautifully. You might want to try something like that. No rewards. Simply a pictorial chart for what the child needs to have done before bedtime. If everything is done in a timely manner (the same time frame every night), you will spend 10 minutes with the child. The longer something takes, the less time you spend with the child.

youngishbear

Tue, Feb 17 2015, 10:06 pm

Punishments and/or rewards should ideally be introduced as the child's choice.

Meaning, "if you hit your brother you are deciding that it's worth losing the privelege of choosing which bedtime story will be told". Or choosing to get a time out. Or whatever works in your house.

Then when you see a situation brewing, you remind the kids, "remember, you can choose to do something you shouldn't, but that means you are choosing to give up x privelege."

I compared it to a machine, where pressing the wrong button makes the prize fall into a garbage can. So do you want to press the button and lose this privelege, or do you choose to do the right thing and keep the prize?

It helps them not be angry at the punishment, because it's clearly articulated in advance, and the ball is in their court. The extra reminder works well, too.

And be consistent. If you said one less cookie for snack, it's one less cookie. No wheedling or stealing or cajoling will be tolerated.

I also use the system of celebrating victories every night. It helps them see that they actually are very good, and just need to get a little bit better in certain areas to earn even more victories. For certain children, especially defiant independent types, this positive approach is the only thing that works at all.

I use the victory cards by Miriam Adahan and it helps set personal development goals for everyone in the house. (Some of those cards are reminders for me... And I tell my children that. Mommy will earn victories in Shamayim for "speaking with patience" and "it was a mistake - what can I learn from it?") It's crucial to try to model the behaviors we want them to emulate.

We keep a victory notebook for each child, with a gratitude section every day. We record some of the good things they've done, and it could be as small as "brushed my teeth" or "put my plate in the sink after eating"... Then we thank Hashem, and they come up with the cutest things to be grateful for. Right now my son is grateful for Purim coming up soon... Smile

It makes for wonderful bonding time, too - we sometimes flip through old pages, or add little doodles on today's page.

It's not easy, your head and heart have to be there fully. That's what they want, our precious kinderlach... And they deserve it.

One of the cards says "I do my best - success is up to Hashem"... And there's another "if I do the most that I can, I do the best that I can."

Whichever method you try should be with hatzlacha.