Afraid of kashrus | Imamother

amother

Mon, Feb 23 2015, 7:20 pm

I have recently been acquainted with a wonderful lady who is becoming frum. She has still a lot to learn and is perfectly aware of it. She loves to learn and sometimes turns to me for advice.
She has invited me for dinner at her house. The problem is I don't know how kosher her kitchen is but I don't want her to feel insulted by basically asking her if she keeps kosher.
I know I can avoid the problem by inviting her to my home or suggesting we go out, but it is not a durable solution if we are to get closer to each other.
I have already been invited by dear friends for Pesach who do not share are minhogim, and I am perfectly comfortable with declining an invitation because of this. People usually understand that some families have specific minhogim and chumros. But here it's not about minhogim. It's just about kashrus in general.
Should I try to find a way to bring up the topic? As I said, she is always happy to learn more. WWYD?

justcallmeima

Mon, Feb 23 2015, 7:58 pm

I would accept the invitation and assess the situation when I get there. Chances are she will ask you what you will eat- do you want paper plates etc... She knows she is still learning and growing. If she doesn't say anything (which I believe is highly unlikely) then just say oh, I'll just have some fruit.

Maya

Mon, Feb 23 2015, 8:04 pm

justcallmeima wrote:

Rather don't accept the invitation than not eat a dinner that was prepared just for you. That's just rude, and I can't imagine someone would suggest accepting a dinner invitation if there's the slightest chance you won't eat it.

Besides, if someone came to my house and asked for fruit, chances are they'd go home hungry. I don't just keep fruit laying around in my fridge.

Dolly Welsh

Mon, Feb 23 2015, 8:35 pm

Say,

"Susie, I would love to come, but I can't eat at your house until Rabbi Lebovic has koshered it."

While she is processing that, take a new breath and say "You'll love him and his helpers. They are really nice. It's easy. It's quite exciting. It's free, too".

And while she is absorbing that, give her the number, 888 GO KOSHER.

Say qhickly, "they take care of everything. They fix you up. Just let them do their thing." and leave it at that.

After Rabbi Lebovic has been there, taken everything for toiveling, and explained what she can keep and what she has to replace, and everything, you can eat at her house, no problem.

I think it's better not to teach her kashrus yourself.

I wouldn't discuss the various aspects, leave that to Rabbi Lebovic; nobody ever minds or gets crazy when it's coming from him. He has been doing this for years, and teaches it perfectly. Let him do it.

If she isn't in his area, he will recommend someone who is.

greenfire

Mon, Feb 23 2015, 9:44 pm

just be frank ... tell her you're uncertain if you're on the same kashrus page since this is all new to her ... but one day you would love to come ...

suggest you have take-out on paper plates to accommodate any differences is kashrus issues

or ...

chaos

Mon, Feb 23 2015, 9:48 pm

Agree with Nyer1 and Maya. Be polite, but honest. It would be much better for you to ask her directly before you accept than to accept, have her spend the money and time to prepare a meal, and then you not eat it. Preface the conversation by telling her that you really appreciate the invitation and the gesture. Let her know also that and the questions you are about to ask her re: kashrus of her kitchen shouldn't be taken as a personal slight; you know that keeping a kosher home is a huge endeavor and there are many things to consider. If in the course of honest conversation, you determine that you can't eat there, again, be sure to reiterate appreciation for the invitation and suggest an alternative, such as meeting up at your home or in a restaurant.

oliveoil

Tue, Feb 24 2015, 12:05 am

Dolly Welsh wrote:

Please do not do that. She will kasher kitchen if and when she is ready. It is a massive undertaking.

She can host you way before that stage on paper plates etc.

imasinger

Tue, Feb 24 2015, 12:14 am

I would say, "oh, you are so sweet to invite me! Do you mind if I go over with you what my restrictions are? We both know you are eager to learn, so I hope you wouldn't be offended... What have you learned and done about kashrus and cooking? About toveiling dishes? What were you planning on serving? " And go from there.

OOTforlife

Tue, Feb 24 2015, 1:01 am

Ask your LOR. He should be able to give you guidance on how deeply you are obligated to inquire, if at all. And if the inquiries yield problematic answers, your LOR may be able to suggest a workaround. For example, kashering a grill or something else.

ETA: don't grill her on her kashrut practices unless your LOR actually paskens it's necessary to do so. I think too many people who otherwise believe in asking shailas decide to be stringent in kashrut at the expense of mitzvos bein adam lechavero without first asking a shaila about the proper balance of the two in a given situation.

piece

Tue, Feb 24 2015, 1:53 am

I understand it is uncomfortable; but if you do want to develop a close relationship with her you will have to try & be upfront with her. say I really value our friendship so I really dont want to make you uncomfortable, but we will need to discuss ..............