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How can I tell my mother I can't attend her wedding??!!
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amother


 

Post Thu, Feb 26 2015, 8:10 pm
My mother is not Jewish. I am a convert. She is marrying a Jewish man. They are common law and have been living together for 18 years but decided to get "married" now! It will be a non denominational ceremony and party. I don't know if I can go but it's my mother!

We will be discussing with a Rav. Anyone know a good one for such a situation? (Must be Lubavitch though.) I am so nervous for what he might tell me.

What am I supposed to tell my mother?? How can we support a union between a Jew and non-jew?? Until now I have not had to take a stance and say I didn't approve of their relationship. I'm afraid the wedding is forcing me to do that.
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amother


 

Post Thu, Feb 26 2015, 8:22 pm
When you talk to a rav also discuss different options.

skipping the ceremony and only attending party
just you go vs. with dh/kids
what parts of kibud av v'aim have a part here
also I think you need to discuss level of repercussions (will she just be mad or will she disown you?)
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 26 2015, 8:24 pm
I doubt you will be so likely to hear that you should express disapproval. We are talking about your mom, and kibud eim is an important mitzvah. In fact, there is a chance that you will be encouraged to go.

If you post on the Chabad section here, or ask your local rav to consult with an expert to pasken this for you, you might get further.
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sequoia




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 26 2015, 8:29 pm
This is insanity. Your mother will be hurt forever, your relationship will never be the same, for what?

They are secular, they don't see the problem! Do you expect them to call it off because of your disapproval? All the more so, that they've been living together and de facto married for almost 20 years! And now, suddenly, because of your not going, they're going to break up, right? He's going to be enlightened about the awesome Orthodox Judaism he's been missing all these years.

It's craziness like this that reminds me why I have nothing to do with frum culture anymore.
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shluchamom




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 26 2015, 8:30 pm
Call Rabbi Shusterman in California he is very well versed in dealing with such situations tactfully just tell him that you need advice as well as the halacha not just halachik psak.
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 26 2015, 8:32 pm
Don't underestimate a wise rav. You might be surprised at the hadracha you get.
And even if you are told not to go, you might be given a "script" and direction for how to interact in the future that will still be "deracheha darchei noam." Hatzlacha!

P.S. I was about to hit send when I realized something: you've been dealing with this situation for years. Even if she wouldn't have been living with a Jew, I assume you've had some mentorship and a rav/rebbetzin along the way for dealing with the inevitable difficulties and hiccup. Yes?
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animeme




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 26 2015, 8:34 pm
If you are told not to go, or not to go to the ceremony but attend the party, you may be able to say that there's a Jewish custom not to attend a parent's remarriage and explain why.
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Dolly Welsh




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 26 2015, 8:48 pm
sequoia wrote:
This is insanity. Your mother will be hurt forever, your relationship will never be the same, for what?

They are secular, they don't see the problem! Do you expect them to call it off because of your disapproval? All the more so, that they've been living together and de facto married for almost 20 years! And now, suddenly, because of your not going, they're going to break up, right? He's going to be enlightened about the awesome Orthodox Judaism he's been missing all these years.

It's craziness like this that reminds me why I have nothing to do with frum culture anymore.


Sequoia's right.

Talk to a Lubavitch Rav. You are not allowed to participate in others' prayers but you can hang around at any party and wish people well, is my take. See if you can get her to accept that you show up for the party only. Look wonderfully dressy, smile a lot, and give them a thumping present.


Last edited by Dolly Welsh on Thu, Feb 26 2015, 8:59 pm; edited 1 time in total
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loveandpeace




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 26 2015, 8:49 pm
amother wrote:
My mother is not Jewish. I am a convert. She is marrying a Jewish man. They are common law and have been living together for 18 years but decided to get "married" now! It will be a non denominational ceremony and party. I don't know if I can go but it's my mother!

We will be discussing with a Rav. Anyone know a good one for such a situation? (Must be Lubavitch though.) I am so nervous for what he might tell me.

What am I supposed to tell my mother?? How can we support a union between a Jew and non-jew?? Until now I have not had to take a stance and say I didn't approve of their relationship. I'm afraid the wedding is forcing me to do that.

Ur mom is getting married regardless. And I don't think u have to put their decision on ur shoulders.
I hope u find a good Rav to guide u. and most of all u r considering ur moms feeling. I applaud u for that.
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morah




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 26 2015, 8:53 pm
Rabbeim who deal with converts and BTs are your best bet. They understand the nuances of these types of situations. Be aware also, there is a well-known minhag for children not to attend a parent's remarriage, so if you're given an unequivocal no, you can blame it on that, and it will probably be less divisive than making it about intermarriage.
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Mevater




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 26 2015, 8:58 pm
I read this question to DH. He says he strongly doubts a Chabad Rov will tell you not to go. I think hes right.

Please let us know what happens.
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amother


 

Post Thu, Feb 26 2015, 9:14 pm
Original poster here. I have dealt with other family related issues and the Rav was very strict with me, not at all sensitive. So now I know I need to find the right Rav (one who often deals with bt/gerium as someone mentioned). My husband is 100% convinced no Lubavitcher Rav would allow us to go, I'm not so sure...

Sequoia, no I know they will not call it off. A concern that comes to mind is that there will be other Jewish people there and by us being present it may send a message that this is a kosher marriage which it is not.

Thanks for the idea of blaming it on the fact that we don't attend a parents remarriage. If I can't go that will be most helpful.
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amother


 

Post Thu, Feb 26 2015, 9:22 pm
original poster. I wanted to add I will post back when I get the response from a Rav. Likely in a few weeks.
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amother


 

Post Fri, Feb 27 2015, 12:08 am
OP, find the right rav-- you may be surprised.
DH's Jewish but completely secular divorced twice mom married a cohen. DH asked a shaila and was told to go.
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chani8




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Feb 27 2015, 1:30 am
Just go to the wedding. You think anyone cares whether you condone it or not?? Just be a good daughter and celebrate the party. You know it doesn't 'count,' but so what. It's not an aveira to go to the wedding.
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DrMom




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Feb 27 2015, 1:48 am
I understand your very legitimate concerns about not wanting to appear to condone intermarriage. Still, it seems like your unique circumstances make it not so cut-and-dried.

You love your mother, and don't want to compromise your relationship with her. Heck, she isn't even doing anything wrong, her fiancé is. She isn't even Jewish. The Noahide Laws say nothing about intermarriage.

I agree you should consult a competent and sensitive rav who has extensive experience with BTs, converts, etc.

Just out of curiosity, do you have a good relationshp with your mother's boyfriend?
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animeme




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Feb 27 2015, 7:08 am
"Just go to the wedding."

With much respect, once op has said she intends to find the right rav and ask, I don't think it's right to tell her to just go and not bother asking because it's clear it's not an aveira.
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SRS




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Feb 27 2015, 8:07 am
An 18 year shacking up situation makes me almost tempted to say mazal tov on getting a legal marriage. Certainly you did not approve of their living situation before and a civil marriage isn't going to change that. I think the only question is how to navigate the wedding situation. I don't see why you need to take a stance on their relationship. The culture of non-marriage and living together unmarried hasn't helped American society and Jews marrying non-Jews isn't helpful to Jewish society. So you can disapprove of all of the above, but what's it to them?
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Feb 27 2015, 8:17 am
chani8 wrote:
Just go to the wedding. You think anyone cares whether you condone it or not?? Just be a good daughter and celebrate the party. You know it doesn't 'count,' but so what. It's not an aveira to go to the wedding.


Thanks, Rabbi Imamother! Wink
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mille




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Feb 27 2015, 8:45 am
Well, in Chani's defense, it's not a wedding. Halacha says that a gentile and a jew cannot get married, so therefore it's not a wedding at all. It's a legal ceremony. It's not even like you can make an argument about not attending an event in a church, because it's entirely secular.

I'm with Sequoia on this one, that if you don't go and express disapproval, you are really going to ruin the relationship with your mother in a very profound way. You believe that you are just following what God wants and sticking to your religious convictions, but she is going to see it as her daughter rejecting her and her way of life, suddenly, even though she's been with this guy for 18 years. She's going to see the disapproval and focus on that.

Going to a wedding doesn't mean you support or condone intermarriage. It means you support and love your mother, and you want to see her happy, and that your relationship is more important than the discomfort you feel at how you, personally, disagree with intermarriage.

But definitely consult a rabbi who has a LOT of experience with BTs and converts. Any old rabbi won't do for this, because they will not remotely be able to grasp the finer points of the situation.
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