What gift did u give for s/o that took your child for 2 wks

5mom

Wed, Mar 04 2015, 10:00 am

mommy2b2c wrote:

While that post wasn't nice, don't fool yourself. Those expressing concern do so because they feel so high and mighty and wonderful when they bash others and put them down. Or because they're jealous that they don't have a support system. Or both.

I think it's unacceptable that op came here asking for a suggestion how to do hakaras hatov, and instead got an earful of how she is a terrible mom and destroyed her kid for life, along with a bunch of negative comments about "that community" which even if it wasn't explicitly said, we all know which community "that community" is.

I'm sorry if I came off as high and mighty or somehow insulting to another community. That wasn't the idea.

Experts in child development are pretty much unanimous that young children should not be separated from home and parents for long periods of time unless absolutely necessary. So if someone's considering doing something that's generally understood to be harmful, why can't I point it out?

You're free to ignore what I say, or to tell me that I'm wrong. But don't accuse me of being condescending or smearing a community. I was offering my two cents, and I wasn't being nasty about it, either.

mommy3b2c

Wed, Mar 04 2015, 10:06 am

Maya wrote:

I gave the OP advice pertinent to her question.
I also didn't bash the concept of giving a child away for two weeks. I don't think it has lifelong effects on the child at all.

But of course, that doesn't matter. All that matters is that I said something else that didn't appeal to someone, and she saw red because she is in such denial about her community, she goes wild at the slightest mention of the negative.

I actually, wasn't referring to you, when I said people are enjoying the bashing. I don't think the poster who wrote that, meant only you in particular when she wrote that message either. I think she felt attacked, so she attacked back. Your line just happened to be one that she was able to come up with a quick comeback to.

Chayalle

Wed, Mar 04 2015, 10:19 am

I'm not part of a community that sends children away after birth....and I'm probably OT here, but my view on those communities that do this is that for some at least, they live as part of an extended family, so when the children go away it's like they are still with people they know and feel secure with.

Last year my sister gave birth to a premature baby, so - unplanned, I had her children over for an extended period of time, including a Yom Tov, as she and her DH had to be with the baby. While it was not easy on them, my sisters kids are almost like my kids. They are comfortable in my home, they open the fridge and help themselves (and I wouldn't have it any other way), they know where the snacks and cookies are, and they are familiar with my house rules too....They also know I am the address for any needed hugs and kisses, conversations, feelings, etc...

While not ideal, I don't think my nieces and nephew suffered from the experience, even though it was not easy at all. Granted, they were all over age 5, but I was that close to them even when they were young (I'm convinced my little niece is getting to recognize me already, too....at 9 months, she's a smart little cookie and doesn't cry when that crazy lady who goes all gaga over her picks her up.)

I can't quite wrap my head around leaving your kids with strangers...but for those who leave their children with relatives who are, generally, a part of their every day lives anyway....I don't see it as a big deal, really.

My sister sent some beautiful new games for Yom Tov, which helped keep everyone busy. If she had seen the need to send me an expensive gift, I would've been really hurt. Aren't we sisters? Aren't we close? Wouldn't she do the same for me?

amother

Wed, Mar 04 2015, 10:19 am

Very OT here, but my husband has BPD. I discussed the topic with my therapist, because I've read that children with genetic tendencies for BPD may be triggered by parental abandonment at 18 months of age.

I panicked, and I asked her what that means... I have kids who likely have genetic programming for BPD, and my kids were close in age (despite family planning lol). She told me not to worry, it's not about temporarily sending the child away, it's more about how the bond gets reinstated once the child comes home. If the child feels loved and wanted and missed, it's not unhealthy at all.

So how I understand it (and I may be wrong) it may even be preferable for a child to not see Mommy for a little bit, and then get her back fully present and loving. Rather than see Mom but have her too weak or absorbed in the baby to give the toddler any attention.

kitov

Wed, Mar 04 2015, 10:36 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

Im just wondering where the father is in these families? I think it could be a very nice system, maybe to a family member, but why not have them stay home, with the other parent and someone come help for a few hours a day? Why leave home altogether?

the father works so he can support his growing family. how can a working father be available during the day/evening when the kids need dinner/homework/bath?

(had the father been home to care for the kids, I'm pretty sure someone would post asking how irresponsible the husband is for noot working while his wife is having a gazzillion babies!)

mille

Wed, Mar 04 2015, 11:11 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

I was thinking the same thing. Maybe I just don't get what community this sort of thing takes place in or how that dynamic works, but I would hope that a father is capable of taking care of his children. It's not like this was a surprise, you had ten months to figure out what you are doing in terms of work. You could ask to take vacation time or just simply ask to maybe work more hours the week prior and week after so you can free yourself up the week of. I am obviously in a whole different world, but I'm just not seeing where the father fits in, I guess.

Although admittedly not in this world, just for the concept of taking care of someone else's child 24 hrs a day for two weeks, I echo other posters that the gift needs to be extremely generous. If you hired a baby nurse or even just a nanny for that length of time, you'd be paying a significant sum of money. Even if the thought is that you give your kids to your friend, and they in turn give their kids to you, I still think it's appropriate to give a very generous gift. What to get obviously depends on the person, and you know them better than us!

MagentaYenta

Wed, Mar 04 2015, 11:17 am

kitov wrote:

If the parents (either) work for a business with 50 emps they do qualify for FMLA. I don't see this happening in some communities.

ETA: Most FMLA is unpaid leave, some folks save up their leave time or add to it via comp time to cover this period. Others consider this as part of their financial and family planning. And FMLA is a federal law, so your qualifying employer has to comply.

Scrabble123

Wed, Mar 04 2015, 11:53 am

mille wrote:

There are many people who are "apart of that world" that do not place children in the care of friends and family and leave them home in the care of the father.

Ms.MaryMack(inblack)

Wed, Mar 04 2015, 12:07 pm

I'm sorry but everyone here seems to be making assumptions. Who said OP's son didn't see his mommy and baby just because he was staying by a friend. Maybe his Daddy picked him up every night to see mommy and baby?
Oh, and advice for a gift? I'd say for sure buy some nice toys for your friends kids, after all they put up with your son for two weeks too! A nice gift certificate maybe $150 - $200 to a restaurant for the parents.

Barbara

Wed, Mar 04 2015, 12:09 pm

dancingqueen wrote:

Why can't the kids at least get to visit mom and new baby? If it's because it would just be too painful to have to seperate every day again maybe that says something.

Btw, there definitely is paternity leave in America, but maybe heimish companies don't have it.

If your company meets the FMLA criteria -- at least 50 employees, etc -- you're entitled to paternity leave.

mille

Wed, Mar 04 2015, 12:40 pm

Scrabble123 wrote:

There are many people who are "apart of that world" that do not place children in the care of friends and family and leave them home in the care of the father.

I wasn't trying to imply that this was not the case. Simply that for those who send their kids away (which is what I was referring to by 'world', not a specific sect like satmar, MO, litvish or whatever), I wonder where the father is in that case and why he can't help. Because in most other circles, the father is home, the mother is home, and both parents are helping each other out acclimating to a new baby plus the older kids.

pause

Wed, Mar 04 2015, 1:05 pm

mille wrote:

Like I said, not all jobs have that flexibility. I can list a couple of those off the top of my head. Also, many bosses aren't accommodating either, and the father (and mother and kid) would much rather the father keep his job altogether than be available for these two weeks.

MagentaYenta

Wed, Mar 04 2015, 1:40 pm

pause wrote:

I certainly agree with you, not everyone has job flexibility. It goes without saying if you are planning a family and looking at employers it is incumbent upon you to take the responsibility and investigate how family friendly your new employer will be. There is zero flexibility when it comes to a qualifying business complying with federal law, in this case FMLA.