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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)
HELP! Adhd ds killing my other kids



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amother


 

Post Sat, Mar 07 2015, 8:21 pm
ds is 8 and officially adhd and possibly slightly on the spectrum. we have been testing him for issues almost since he's born but no one was able to figure him out yet. I also have another few kids and lately been hurting his siblings a couple of times a day (and since he's a big boy they are only together for about 3 hrs a day)
the entire time he's home I'm making sure he doesn't get too close to beating anyone. If I leave the room for a minute I know I'm gonna have a crying kid coming to me.
what in the world am I suppos ed to do with him?
he'S on Meds and he is better than without them. When we tried a higher dose he was even worse,
I'm just venting here but really what do people do with such kids?
other than his Crazy behaviour he is sort of normal so I can't exactly send Him away as I've dreamed of doing a thousand times.
Help!!! At wits end
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cfriedman2




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Mar 07 2015, 8:24 pm
Can u maybe get someone to come over and help u after school when the kids are together to be with him and focus on him and help with the other kids also. That may help u be less stressed? Also I hope u have a good support group for yourself bc that will help also. Hugs and good luck
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amother


 

Post Sat, Mar 07 2015, 9:02 pm
I don't have any suggestions but just wanted to tell you I understand you

I have this as well
I feel bad for my other kids
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Sparkle




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Mar 07 2015, 9:40 pm
I have been in EXACTLY your shoes. Swift, consistent consequences that bother him. EVERY SINGLE TIME he hurts someone. For a while we even had a no touch rule for him - he was not allowed to touch a sibling. Unless it was for a hug or kiss, and even then he had to ask first (that was the rule, not saying that ever happened, lol. He's not too into hugging or kissing...)
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chani8




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 08 2015, 12:05 am
The meds are not 100% correct if he is being violent on them. Was he this violent before the meds? I would suggest adding a natural remedy, like valerian root herbal tincture. It can help with impulsively violent behavior, even if it's a side effect caused by ritalin. My kids who take ritalin all get grumpy when it wears off.

If you've never been on ritalin before, let me explain it to you from my personal experience. It's like having your brain on 'open' without an ability to relax, to tune out, to relax your focus. Like drinking 6 cups of coffee in the evening. You feel tired but wide awake. It's very intense. No way to just chill or space off. It can hurt. And a hurting, grumpy child, can have a low tolerance for frustration, and thus react violently.
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chani8




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 08 2015, 12:13 am
I didn't address what we did when we had a child with violent behavior, not caused by ADHD, but still.

My DH quit his afternoon job and became the child's shadow until bed time. Sound extreme? It was. Maybe you can find someone to shadow your son? Someone to be there for him, with him, keep him busy, and away from the other kids.

Looking back, we don't regret all the attention we gave to that child. But we do regret not getting him to therapy sooner. Therapy revealed a very special person we didn't even know was under all that anger.
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finallyamommy




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 08 2015, 3:40 am
Can a mod edit the title, please? He is not literally killing them, and that title is sort of triggering.....
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 08 2015, 5:01 am
Rather than wait for a mod, OP, you can also change your title. Maybe change it to "often hurting and scaring" or "making siblings cry."

I agree with Sparkle. But I think it would be good to get help, too.

What are you doing for this kid besides giving him meds? He needs social skills groups, and would benefit from regularly seeing a good psychologist. And how frequently are you seeing his prescriber?

Stimulants have a well documented rebound effect, giving families a witching hour on steroids, as it were. There are meds that can help keep outbursts under control; ask you doctor about adding guanfacine to his treatment.

If you are not doing so, please try consulting with a behaviorist (if he has a spectrum diagnosis, he may be able to get ABA right in your home). Also, look for parenting classes geared towards handling this population.

If you haven't already read Ross Green's "Explosive Child", or Howard Glasser's "Nurtured Heart Approach", you should.


Last edited by imasinger on Sun, Mar 08 2015, 6:27 pm; edited 1 time in total
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justcallmeima




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 08 2015, 9:27 am
First of all, hugs. I have 3 boys who were diagnosed with ADHD and who take ritalin, one who also has Asperger's syndrome. I STRONGLY encourage you to educate yourself a bit more about ADHD and Autism Spectrum Disorders. It will be empowering for you , and will help you, your son, and your other children, and keep everybody safe all of the time, and happy most of the time.

Support groups are a great place to start, and doing a lot of reading. I second "The Explosive Child" as a practical guide that will help you understand your son and help you help him manage his behaviour.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Mar 08 2015, 11:20 am
Op here. Thanks for all your help.
So he is in a contained class where he is getting social skills help. We tried a few therapist s who didn't do much Other than waste allot of my time. I have read the book which helps me understand but doesn't help me deal with him.
about the title, I have another child with a medical condition that is very fragile and has been hospitalized a few times because of him. another child has also been badly hurt twice physically never mind how he's doing emotionaly.
So yeah, I'd say it's pretty serious. So I'm lost and don't know where to turn. Any help?
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 08 2015, 11:48 am
Try the other book I suggested, which is full of concrete suggestions. But given the real physical danger, I strongly recommend you see if you can get a BCBA who will help you formulate a behavior plan. Do you live in the US?

I'm sorry you had a bad experience with therapy. Sometimes, it takes a few tries to find the right person. But it is SO SO worthwhile to keep at it until you do.

And do check further about the meds. Your situation is not safe for anyone.

I have an 8 year old boy with ADHD and on the spectrum, and 2 other kids with ADHD as well.

Hatzlacha!

Hug
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amother


 

Post Sun, Mar 08 2015, 12:48 pm
First, please keep trying child psychologists. It's hard to find good therapists, trust me I know. But there are ones who knowledgeable in this area and can help him develop the skills he needs to handle life and emotions with ADHD in addition to what he gets in class.

Here are some things to think about: Is he not getting enough stimulation at home? Is his schoolday too long? Is he bored? Does he have hobbies he can focus on? Is he getting enough attention (and he may need more) from you?

Maybe he would benefit from a shorter school day with physical activities afterward, like a sport or a martial arts class where they also teach strict respect for others, especially authority figures, and not to use physical force except in defense. If you're not comfortable with that, maybe some kind of organized sport where he can run around.

Does he have a hobby and fun activities he can enjoy and concentrate on at home? Maybe he's found that hitting his siblings is a rewarding thing for him to focus on because he can let out physical energy and get a response that stimulates him: the negative response of fear and anger from others.

As someone with ADHD, I know that physical exercise to burn off energy and stimulate my brain is so critical. I'm able to focus better and am much less irritable when I'm taking care of my body. Taking care of my mind is also important. If I'm bored and have nothing to focus on I'll find something to focus on that isn't good for me.

Honestly, I do think a big component of behavioral problems with ADHD is lack of proper outlets for stimulation of the mind and body.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Mar 08 2015, 1:01 pm
chani8 wrote:
If you've never been on ritalin before, let me explain it to you from my personal experience. It's like having your brain on 'open' without an ability to relax, to tune out, to relax your focus. Like drinking 6 cups of coffee in the evening. You feel tired but wide awake. It's very intense. No way to just chill or space off. It can hurt. And a hurting, grumpy child, can have a low tolerance for frustration, and thus react violently.




That was not my experience unless I was taking too high a dosage. That might be the case for OP's son, but if it is not this post could mislead OP. Once I was dosing myself correctly I was just normal, able to focus on things but otherwise just fine.

The only reason I stopped taking Ritalin was because I have also suffered from depression for over a decade, and switched to Wellbutrin which can help with both depression and focus. It's less effective. Sad


(amother because I was also anonymous for the post right before this one)
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amother


 

Post Sun, Mar 08 2015, 3:27 pm
This was and is my son. He's 16 now and away at yeshiva and I feel your pain. I never went out to simchas because I couldn't leave him home with my other children. Many "friends" got angry with me for never showing up to their simchas, and even when I broke down and shared my pain they didn't understand what it's like. I couldn't leave him with the other because for sure he would hurt someone, fight, break rules, get oppositional to the babysitter. I can only tell you to seek out the absolute best medical team to insure he's on the right combo of meds, that he sees a therapist, that you spend quality time alone with each of the other children and that you get yourself support. I eventually started a support group of like mothers in my community and that has helped me more than anything. Hatzlacha, and I hope you know joy and Naches soon.
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amother


 

Post Mon, Mar 09 2015, 6:48 am
Sparkle wrote:
I have been in EXACTLY your shoes. Swift, consistent consequences that bother him. EVERY SINGLE TIME he hurts someone. For a while we even had a no touch rule for him - he was not allowed to touch a sibling. Unless it was for a hug or kiss, and even then he had to ask first (that was the rule, not saying that ever happened, lol. He's not too into hugging or kissing...)

op here. What consequences did you give him? Telling him to do something doesn't work cuz he just won't do it, not giving him something everyone else gets he will just give me hell. What did u do?
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amother


 

Post Mon, Mar 09 2015, 6:57 am
Op here. So I will look into the other book, the meds we've tried up and down but this seems to be the best. I'm trying to get medicaid waiver for respite for when the kids r all home but it's taking forever. He's not doing it for attention. He hurts people who bother him even a tiny bit lIke touch his stuff or sing too loud. ... he has a hard time expressing himself and turns the house over. I've tried therapists, behavioral therapy, etc but its very hard to work with him also cuz of his low iq and speech/cognitive issues. Oh well
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amother


 

Post Mon, Mar 09 2015, 7:12 pm
amother wrote:
Op here. So I will look into the other book, the meds we've tried up and down but this seems to be the best. I'm trying to get medicaid waiver for respite for when the kids r all home but it's taking forever. He's not doing it for attention. He hurts people who bother him even a tiny bit lIke touch his stuff or sing too loud. ... he has a hard time expressing himself and turns the house over. I've tried therapists, behavioral therapy, etc but its very hard to work with him also cuz of his low iq and speech/cognitive issues. Oh well


:hug:

It sounds like there's a lot more going on than ADHD, so a lot of the suggestions here might not work for you like they would for kids without more challenges.
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