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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette
Learning to say no and set boundaries



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bluebird




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 10 2015, 7:04 pm
A lot of the advice given on imamother can be distilled into "say no and set boundaries." I've given that advice myself. However, I find it hard to actually do it because I don't feel I can do it tactfully.

Any advice on how to learn to do this? I know it would help me, and others on this site as well.
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lk1234




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 10 2015, 7:27 pm
Think about how by you saying no and not giving that person what they want, they are actually benefiting in some way. Maybe it is making them more independent, more resourceful, introducing them to other places to get their needs fulfilled etc.
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 10 2015, 11:16 pm
When you have to say no to a favor or something, empathize with the person who is asking you to do something. The empathy will take the sting out of the no. They also won't feel as much that they just need to convince you of how badly they need it and then you'll agree, because you've already expressed your understanding of the situation... while still saying no.
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amother


 

Post Wed, Mar 11 2015, 12:14 am
Let me add another dimention to the question.
How do you say no and set boundaries with someone who is manipulative, is a user, and is very gifted at thwarting all your reasons for saying no?
And what happens if this person is family?
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 11 2015, 2:34 am
In general, the less said, the better.

"I'm so very sorry; I can't help you out. Would you like me to help you brainstorm other solutions?"

That works better than, "I'm sorry, I can't, I have to take Shloimy to the ER; he just fell and broke his leg", which will get met with a pleading of how the caller's crisis is more important.

The key is in the repetition. "I feel bad, wish I could help you, but sorry, no. Not at all. Nope. Sorry!" Lather, rinse, repeat.

Or, if the issue is nosiness, "I'm so sorry; I just don't share that information."

I agree with seeker's and lk1234's posts.
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amother


 

Post Wed, Mar 11 2015, 4:24 am
How do you say no to a narcissist and it's your own mother?
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Ilovechoumous




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 11 2015, 4:41 am
I am trying to bring myself the courage to do this too, but I think that if they say something negative, say-- what do you mean by that, then they will realize how hurtful it was.

if they ask you to do something that seems manipulative, say something like-- I will think about it, but it does seem that if I do xyz, the abc will happen. or, why would you like to do xyz? abc will most likely happen and that is not good for them, etc.
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amother


 

Post Wed, Mar 11 2015, 4:44 am
amother wrote:
How do you say no to a narcissist and it's your own mother?

Or same situation but with MIL (would like advice for how to support dh, who if he could would rather cut her out of his life)?
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 11 2015, 4:54 am
Cutting someone out of your life or dealing with crazy mothers are not the run of the mill boundaries issue. You may want some extra support from IRL counselors of some sort, or good books.
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amother


 

Post Wed, Mar 11 2015, 6:14 am
It's a daily struggle for those of us who struggle with setting healthy boundaries. I found this video by Pia Mellody extremely helpful in better understanding what boundaries are all about.

https://www.google.com/url?sa=.....qE15Q
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