Erev Shabbat and want to maim my child

Eemaof3

Fri, Mar 20 2015, 4:41 pm

Wrote maim because kill sounds terrible. I have asked for 2 weeks for my kids' rooms to be cleaned up. Nothing horrible but needed work. Instead, they left it to today. So instead of getting help around the house now I am cooking and cleaning and balancing a few more things. DS just came down and poured himself a drink and went into the family room to watch tv. I asked what he was doing and he said oh yeah, no food in there. NO! How about helping me out before my back gives out!! I sent him away and as he turns away he asks Do you want some help? Really?!! Duh!! I told him to just go away. My youngest has been helping me cook and is now cleaning bathrooms. But DS? It is all about him. I no longer care about giving my kids their favorite foods or helping out with the things they want because I feel like my needs are just ignored. Those needs, by the way, are to make them the food they love and drive them all around town for things they want. This on top of coming down this AM when my husband was supposed to put away the cooled road only to find it on the counter! If they get food poisoning it is his fault, I don't eat the meat.
Shabbat shalom all and thanks for letting me vent!

anonymom

Fri, Mar 20 2015, 5:00 pm

I totally understand you. I often feel the same way. The only difference is I have learned that it is much easier to do everything myself and not expect any help. I work slowly at my own pace. I do n ot kill my back or stay up late. That is why the kitchen will not be operational for two weeks at their inconvenience. Because I cant do it (Pesach) all myself at the last minute and I cant count on their help. Today I tried to get the younger kids to help vacuum the couches. Totally not for my sake but for the sake of getting them into what Pesach cleaning is all about. They grumped and did it very halfheartedly. Oh, well. I tried.

As for my husband. He is a good man and he means well. But I just have to remind myself it's not worth it to ask for help. He took off half a morning from work because I asked him to buy cases of grape juice and it was the last day of the sale. I am so mad when he takes off from work for trivial things.

I'm curious how old your children are.

Good Shabbos.

cuties' mom

Fri, Mar 20 2015, 5:36 pm

I feel the same way. I usually get some things done for Shabbos before going to work, but that's partly because my 8-year-old ds helps. Today he was on the computer all morning. He put up a huge fight about taking his Zantac for his reflux. He asked for a bagel for breakfast and didn't even touch it. When I was busy, we had the same conversation we have almost every morning lately.
me: Do your homework.
ds: What do I have?
me: Check your knapsack.
ds: Where is it?
me: Wherever you left it.
ds: Where did I leave it?
me: Where you always leave it.

Of course, ds was able to find his knapsack and do his homework, but he wasted precious time this morning. This afternoon, after I got everything done, he decided he wants to bake a cake. Meanwhile, yds, who is 6 and has autism, was sitting at the table eating ice cream with his hands. I was trying to wash his hands and give him his spoon, but my phone kept ringing. Eventually, he stuck his ice cream covered hand into the cake batter, making it milchig. We now have a milchig cake for Shabbos. While I was busy trying to clean yds, my sheitel macher who is also my upstairs neighbor, came down to drop off my sheitel. Meanwhile, yds left chocolate handprints all over the house. While I was talking to my neighbor, yds pulled down his pants and underwear in the living room. I sent him to the bathroom, finished up with my sheitel, and cleaned up all the ice cream mess. Ods is going to my parents this Shabbos. (All the grandchildren take turns and its his turn this week.) I thought he would be picked up closer to Shabbos, so I didn't pack him up or get him dressed, but my mother called at 5 to say that my brother is coming to get him. I quickly packed some things for him in a bag, when he realized he can't find his Shabbos shoes. While I was looking for the shoes, ods told me that yds has his pants and underwear down again. I rushed him to the bathroom, but was too late. I stuck him in the bath while I dealt with the mess on my living room floor. Meanwhile, ods left in his weekday shoes, yds is running around the house naked, dh isn't home yet, and while I don't want to maim anyone, I wouldn't mind having a good scream. The problem is that the only person home would not get why I'm yelling, and its not fair to scare him with yelling that he won't understand.

Eemaof3

Sun, Mar 22 2015, 12:55 am

cuties'mom - you are incredible.
Thanks everyone for the support -- love the resting dog!!
My kids are old enough to help without fuss.
A little while after I sent him away, ds returned and asked in earnest if he could help me. I wondered if his sisters told him to but he said that he figured it out. He actually took care of a bunch of things that needed doing, none of which were majorly time consuming. DH even came home for just a bit before Shabbat and helped move some heavy boxes that I could not possibly have moved. It felt better to have everyone helping. Of course I had to leave the table after soup because my back went out, partially because of the work and due to stress. At least I made my point to my family -- help out or risk the wrath of Eema!

BeershevaBubby

Sun, Mar 22 2015, 11:04 am

There have been several times when I've sat my older kids and husband down for a family meeting and very bluntly have told them that I can't do everything, and they need to pitch in more. That when I ask them to do X, Y, or Z, it needs to get done WHEN I ASK THEM TO DO IT. I've given my daughters a time frame, and tell them they have until such and such hour or such and such day to get a particular job done.

In addition, since we watch our TV on the computer, I put a password on it that only I know. So if they're not working, but watching TV or on the computer, I'd lock them out. You can unplug the TV. Buy a small lock and put it in the hole on the plug so it can't be plugged in.

As much as our kids are kids, they're also their own person. Sitting them down and having a frank discussion with them, and treating them as a person instead of "I'm the mommy, and you'll do as I say", can go a long way in getting them to help more around the house.

Sanguine

Sun, Mar 22 2015, 11:53 am

Some of my kids just naturally help and some don't. You have to treat different kids differently. The ones that don't naturally help, I don't expect as much. What I do is give them just one or two jobs. My non-helper makes potatoes every Shabbat (after I remind him by what time they have to go in the oven). He's responsible to clean all the kitchen drawers for Pesach (I have more than 20 drawers). I don't use them for Pesach but crumbs and stuff falls in so they need vacuuming and cleaning... It's a big job but it's one thing so I give that to him. I can't start adding jobs to him (I used to get no help from him so this works better).

I make very simple Shabbat (sometimes ready made shnitel from a bag, rice baked under the chicken and frozen vegetables) so I'm not over worked. Then if my kids want fancier food, they help cook and clean. By now they usually do. If they're not around to help I still cook for Shabbat but they're disappointed and then they help the next week.

DH is willing to help but he's more in the way in the kitchen (so I let him clean up). He'll do Pesach cleaning but he assumes that I'm in control. I just have to say - Today I need you to clean the closet... and he does. Sometime you just have to know how to pass out the jobs (that won't hurt your back).