Parenting... *sigh*

amother

Sat, Mar 21 2015, 5:33 pm

I'm at my wits end with 8 yo DS. He seems to be in a long cycle of seeking negative attention all the time. He gets loads of positive reinforcement but doesn't listen and fights with his siblings ALL the time. Now my other DS who is generally well behaved is getting wild too in an attempt to overpower the 8 yo who seems to have overtaken this house. It's bothering all of us as he literally takes up all my time and energy and spoils things for the other kids.

I'm not sure what the best way to deal with it is but I know some major changes need to be made. All suggestions welcome!

Another BIG issue is the way DH is dealing with it, whilst I try to ignore as much as I can DH is taking a heavy handed approach and shouting and punishing. It does seem to get DS quiet for a short time but I believe it's feuling the bad behavior rather then encouraging him to behave.

I've spoken to DH many times about this but he feels it helps and says no one can tell him how to parent... He's willing to hear suggestions but won't follow a 'method'... I mentioned different ideas and though he often agrees he doesn't actually carry it out and continues with his own system.

*sigh*

chani8

Sat, Mar 21 2015, 9:53 pm

This sounds like a serious situation to me, not just a misbehaving boy. Your son is big enough to articulate what's going on with him in life, so I think you need to find quiet times to get him to talk about things that are wrong in his life. With that kind of anger and violent behavior, make sure he's not being abused, or having trouble in school, or bored. Does he have language problems or learning problems?

If you don't like how your DH handles things, then you have to be on top of this completely. That's a heavy burden for you. Everytime DS acts up, you have to jump up and say, "I'll handle him." Do you really want that? Or perhaps you can allow DH to deal with your son his way once in a while to give you a break. It's not pretty, I'm sure, but at least you're not having to deal with DS all the time. Don't allow hitting though.

amother

Sun, Mar 22 2015, 7:21 am

Thanks chani8, b'h there's no language or learning disabilities, nor abuse to the best of my knowledge. We have a very open relationship and discuss anything that crops up regularly. I should really take him out for ice cream one of these days... though it's pretty hectic pre-Pesach.

There is a problem with his class though as they are a rowdy bunch and I often feel he's learnt this sort of behavior at school. We've discussed this with the school MANY times but haven't found a solution to that. We have to concentrate on him and can't change the whole class. *sigh*

It's just ridiculous how he takes over the whole house and my other children wish he could go elsewhere. Sad

I must mention that they are best of friends at other times, it's just that the fighting takes over sooner rather than later.

You hit the nail on the head regarding DH... I always feel that I need to deal with everything myself and yes, the burden is way too great, especially considering that I am very overworked as it is.

chani8

Sun, Mar 22 2015, 8:30 am

Since the rest of imamother hasn't gotten to this thread yet, I hope you don't mind if I keep brainstorming here. What comes to my mind then, is distraction. A child like this needs computer games or game boy, or whatever you allow. Keep him busy and away from the other kids. Don't worry about fair, either, thinking if you give him the computer or a game boy that he should have to take turns. Just set him someplace far from the other kids and let him vegg out somehow. That's what I'd do. In fact, that's actually what I do with my 'bully boy'.

amother

Sun, Mar 22 2015, 12:07 pm

OP here. Chani8, I certainly don't mind your brainstorming, in fact, I appreciate it very much!!!

Great idea about the distraction - you've touched on a very sore point though - fairness!
My other DS is very upset that the 'bully' get's more attention/game time due to his bad behavior. He thinks it's not fair. I've tried to explain to him that fair doesn't always mean equal and this is what works best to keep him out of trouble, but he still thinks it's unfair that being difficult works in his favor.

Can we ever get it just right?

Another problem is that the two of them are the only company they have so they must rely on each other alot for occupation. Older DS (the well behaved one b'h) doesn't want to play with the younger one as they always end up fighting however younger DS insists on it as otherwise he doesn't have anything to do... so either way they're fighting. I try to encourage lots of solo games however younger DS doesn't like playing solo...

amother

Oak

Mon, Apr 13 2015, 10:52 am

OP again. I really don't like the way DH is dealing with issues that crop up. DS definitely has some issues and whilst I'm trying to deal with it in the best way possible, DH completely disagrees with all these parenting techniques. He thinks there's no issue and DS would be perfectly behaved if he were dealt a heavier hand. To me this borders on abuse and is reminiscent of old-time parenting.

The problem is that DH doesn't think he needs any parenting guidance and won't hear of consulting anyone or reading any parenting advice.

WWYD?

SRS

Mon, Apr 13 2015, 11:17 am

Brainstorming a bit too.

If this child, like many boys, just needs to be occupied, does he have enough to keep him occupied, especially physically active and occupied? Do you have a place he can ride a bike, throw a basketball, play catch with other active neighborhood boys?

Let your husband discipline his way a bit. You can't always discipline and if you always take over he will sense weakness, and there is something to be said for old-time parenting. But, if it doesn't work that is probably because the kid has his own way about him and might even thrive off the excitement of being yelled at. Just a possibility.

Can you put this child in his room alone or in another place alone at certain times so he can't attention seek and you can get a break?

marina

Mon, Apr 13 2015, 11:39 am

amother wrote:

I deal with the fairness issue by also emphasizing that each child gets a reward for what is hard for them. Game time for one is for reading more than usual or practicing math facts. Game time for another is for being civil to his parents and siblings... It seems to work a bit better when I emphasize the "what is hard for him" part

ora_43

Mon, Apr 13 2015, 2:49 pm

amother wrote:

Is there some reason that separating him from the other kids without giving him extra game time isn't an option? Like, "if you can't stop fighting, you can read or work on homework in your room."

What do you mean they're each other's only company? Do they not have friends in the area? If they do have friends, I'd recommend splitting them up 2-3 afternoons a week.

amother

Oak

Mon, Apr 13 2015, 3:04 pm

marina wrote:

I like that! Thanks marina!

amother

Oak

Mon, Apr 13 2015, 3:05 pm

SRS and ora, I could separate them and/or send him to his room but he'll most likely just get into a full blown argument Sad

Re friends: They get back from school pretty late so it's generally unpractical to go to friends at that time as they don't have anyone nearby. Older DS does go occasionally, perhaps once a month.

amother

Ginger

Mon, Apr 13 2015, 3:13 pm

HI Op

oh I could have written your post. I also have a ds 8 yrs old who is exactly like yours. And, I too, don't know what to do. I already keep him busy with an ipad and let him watch a cartoon or something just to get a break and keep him relatively peaceful.

DH also has a different view of things and is much stricter, although B"H he would never hit.
I'll be following this thread.

My son also is in a class with a bunch of wild boys and some bullies and sometimes I wonder if that's an influence........???? In school he is overall a great kid and the teachers give me only positive reports. What a different child at home, he can be. Sad

amother

Oak

Mon, Apr 13 2015, 3:17 pm

amother wrote:

Yeah, very familiar Wink

Re the bolded, I don't even wonder, I'm pretty convinced, but alas... I'm not about to homeschool, nor do I think he'd do well with it...