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Forum
-> Interesting Discussions
squirrel
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Tue, May 20 2014, 9:33 pm
I DONT GET IT!
Where is the sense of all these mothers to even think of going in with their dd??? Why put her in such a position? Noone is okay with being naked infront of ANYONE!
I dont even understand the nachas! You had many opportunities to have nachas and will continue to have. Having nachas watching your dd dip is selfish, its nachas on her expense.
Im so glad my mother had the sensitivity to understand this on her own. She sat me down and explained every detail of what to expect and she reserved a very old lady to watch me go down who she thought I may feel most comfortable with and I left the house ON MY OWN!
Mothers out there, I highly doubt any of your dd's will be okay with this so please dont put her in an uncomfortable position of her having to say no.
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amother
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Tue, May 20 2014, 9:49 pm
Me too and I did not go with anyone. In my case, the ML asked me "are you here by yourself? Where is your mother?" (Flatbush Ave. L and Ocean Ave mikvah). Totally threw me off, as if I wasn't doing the mitzva right. ""
lol I had the exact same experience. in monsey tho! I didn't even know abt going with ur mother which is a good thing, because I would never have wanted her there! ick. total invasion of privacy. she can say her tehillim at the chupah!
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amother
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Tue, May 20 2014, 9:54 pm
It's funny I never really thought about it
But right before I dunked the ml called in my mother I am very chilled and I forgot about it right away but I would def have said no if they asked me! So weird that they don't ask!!? Why would I need my mother to watch me such a strange concept .
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dancingqueen
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Tue, May 20 2014, 10:05 pm
This is another "I learned something new on imamother" thread for me. My mom came with me to the mikvah when I was a kallah but she was in the waiting room the whole time! I also don't get the nachas of saying amen to the bracha specifically and going into the prep room strikes me as horribly violating. But it sounds like no woman here who that happened to was so happy about it.
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amother
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Tue, May 20 2014, 11:01 pm
This is all new to me as well. My mother drove me to the Mikva and sat in waiting room until I was done.
I guess there's a thing with mothers saying amen...maybe a minhag in some places?
Otoh, I did have the ML barge in on me quite suddenly while I was preparing. Thank goodness I was wearing a robe. She decided I was taking too long and basically just told me to go dunk. I tried protesting that I was not ready but she assured me that I was and I was too unassertive to contradict her. I left feeling awful because I knew I hadn't done everything...long story short , I had to redo it the next night (night before my wedding).
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tichellady
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Wed, May 21 2014, 12:44 pm
I think it's important to ask the kallah what she wants. That said, I went with my mother and she was in the room with me when I went into the mikvah but this was not something that made me uncomfortable at all. I grew up undressing in front of my mother and sister, so it was not even something I thought about. I am Modern Orthodox, but I don't really think that's relevant here. I have plenty of Modern Orthodox friends who would have hated having their mothers at the mikvah with them (in fact I went with one of my friend's before her wedding because she didn't even want her mom to be involved in any aspect of the mikvah).
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saralem
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Wed, May 21 2014, 1:23 pm
I'm a mother with several married daughters, and I have done different things with each one. It is definitely a beautiful time for a mother and a daughter, if they share a close, loving relationship. I've taken them, waited in waiting area, and with some, came in to say amein. I'm BT, and my KT who is also my close friend took me to mikve before my wedding, which was also beautiful. she helped me to feel relaxed and good about the process. also, it made me feel "connected" in a generational way. passing on the mitzvah to the next one. I would not feel comfortable going into the prep room, as a mom, unless my dd asked me to.
PS I also accompanied my dd's in labor and delivery, which, for me, was a similar amazing experience to share.
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4Sisters
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Thu, May 22 2014, 1:50 pm
amother wrote: | I am a rebbetzin in an oot community where generally going to the mikva as a kalla is the only time they will go. The mothers almost always come with, they sit with me in the waiting room and come into the mikva room to see their daughter toivel. If the daughter doesn't want them there I make sure they wait by the door so they can hear us and answer amein. It sometimes happens that the mothers asks to stand and hold the towel up for her daughter when she comes out of the mikva. Afterwards we have a l'chaim and chocolate.
We give the mother a beautiful tefilla to say that is supposed to be said by a mother before her daughter's chuppa, which is printed on lovely paper and we include the names of the chosson and kalla. Every mother asks to keep this and not one mother has reached the end without her voice breaking. It's a very emotional and beautiful time, especially as the last time most of the mothers went to the mikva was before their own chuppa. We give the kallas the tefilla to say that is in Tehilla Abramov's book, also with their names added in.
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Amother above: we have a kallah coming our small OOT mivkah and would love to give her the bracha that you use at your mikvah. I can't find what you're referring to in the Abramov book, though. Could you please give the page number? Thank you! The way you have a kallah use your mikvah sounds wonderful!
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Maya
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Thu, May 22 2014, 2:37 pm
I am Chassidish, and used the abusive, OCD-suffering Satmar mikvah in Williamsburg.
The mikvah attendant literally guilt-tripped and then forced my mother to come into the mikvah room to watch me dip. She did so despite protests from BOTH of us, more so from my mother because I was in total shock. I will never forget the humiliation of that moment.
I have heard countless of such horror stories from that mikvah lady, and I hope she gets her punishment after 120.
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amother
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Thu, May 22 2014, 5:15 pm
Maya wrote: | I am Chassidish, and used the abusive, OCD-suffering Satmar mikvah in Williamsburg.
The mikvah attendant literally guilt-tripped and then forced my mother to come into the mikvah room to watch me dip. She did so despite protests from BOTH of us, more so from my mother because I was in total shock. I will never forget the humiliation of that moment.
I have heard countless of such horror stories from that mikvah lady, and I hope she gets her punishment after 120. |
Whoa! Sorry you went through that.
I used that same mikva as a kalla and got treated royally. Private kalla suite where I myself was in the washroom and my mom was able to sit in the adjacent room, comfortably, equipped with a siddur/tehillim, tefillos. (which I don't think she used at all since she was having a grand old time with a good friend of hers, a'h, who also came with her daughter as a kalla).
I dipped, got dressed, and waited for my mom to end her conversation with said friend.
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amother
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Thu, May 22 2014, 8:34 pm
I'm a BT, and my husband's cousin came with me to the mikvah. My kallah teacher had recommended that someone come with me (but she couldn't). My husband's cousin's family is the only frum family we have (and we're very lucky to even know that they exist!), and the cousin made it very clear to us that they're there for us when we need support, particularly of the sort that you usually rely on frum family for. So, I asked, and she took me to the mikvah. She's Chassidish, and ended up coming into the mikvah room with me (They asked and I pretty much said to do whatever they wanted/was better/whatever). She was very careful not to look. I'm actually really glad now that she came in, because she made the occasion feel very special and beautiful.
I do wish that I could have brought my mother, but I didn't feel comfortable asking. I love her dearly, but it would be hard for her to understand, and she would have been confused. Also, she was busy (my parents and in laws treated our out of town family to dinner that night).
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observer
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Thu, May 22 2014, 9:04 pm
My mother came but waited in the waiting room until I was finished, toveled, and dressed.
Litvish yeshivish.
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chocolate chips
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Thu, May 22 2014, 9:51 pm
squirrel wrote: | I DONT GET IT!
Where is the sense of all these mothers to even think of going in with their dd??? Why put her in such a position? Noone is okay with being naked infront of ANYONE!
I dont even understand the nachas! You had many opportunities to have nachas and will continue to have. Having nachas watching your dd dip is selfish, its nachas on her expense.
Im so glad my mother had the sensitivity to understand this on her own. She sat me down and explained every detail of what to expect and she reserved a very old lady to watch me go down who she thought I may feel most comfortable with and I left the house ON MY OWN!
Mothers out there, I highly doubt any of your dd's will be okay with this so please dont put her in an uncomfortable position of her having to say no. |
What do you mean? Do you know all girls out there?
My mother asked me if I want her to come and I said yes. She asked me if I want the mikvah lady there as well out of respect since she is the ML on duty and I said yes why not?
I like not to think of myself as naive and pressured nor of my mother as selfish and unkind.
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amother
Periwinkle
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Sun, Mar 29 2015, 5:14 am
Litvak Giores here.
I went with the kallah teacher. She (of course) stayed in the waiting room while I prepared and immersed but was always there for questions I had.
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amother
Indigo
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Sun, Mar 29 2015, 5:34 am
amother wrote: | I am a rebbetzin in an oot community where generally going to the mikva as a kalla is the only time they will go. The mothers almost always come with, they sit with me in the waiting room and come into the mikva room to see their daughter toivel. If the daughter doesn't want them there I make sure they wait by the door so they can hear us and answer amein. It sometimes happens that the mothers asks to stand and hold the towel up for her daughter when she comes out of the mikva. Afterwards we have a l'chaim and chocolate.
We give the mother a beautiful tefilla to say that is supposed to be said by a mother before her daughter's chuppa, which is printed on lovely paper and we include the names of the chosson and kalla. Every mother asks to keep this and not one mother has reached the end without her voice breaking. It's a very emotional and beautiful time, especially as the last time most of the mothers went to the mikva was before their own chuppa. We give the kallas the tefilla to say that is in Tehilla Abramov's book, also with their names added in.
My mother came with me into the prep room to answer any questions I had and came to see me toivel. I took my daughters before their weddings also. |
I am crying as I read this. As the mother of a kallah(BH), I love how beautiful and emotional and meaningful you make this for everyone involved - kol hakavod
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