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Forum -> Relationships -> Giving Gifts
YT gift for my sons kallah - no money!
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amother
Goldenrod


 

Post Mon, Mar 30 2015, 4:39 pm
My son is a chussen and I know a gift is expected. Thats what we do in my circles apparently - I dont have tons of friends yet in this parsha and Its my first child were marring off. Every expence for the wedding has been a major negotiation and at this point not only do I lack the funds but Im starting to resent the girl and her family (so many demands!). Why do I have to go without this pesach so that this girl can have (more) jewels? The girl who seemed so eidel and pnimisdik suddenly needs it all. Were getting help from chessed funds as it is, I have to take more tzedaka so that she can have more presents?

Also, what I am supposed to give her? And what is she supposed to give my son? Asking so I know aprox what to spend. I wasnt brought up like this so I have no clue, but I dont want ds to look bad.
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amother
Goldenrod


 

Post Mon, Mar 30 2015, 4:43 pm
amother wrote:
My son is a chussen and I know a gift is expected. Thats what we do in my circles apparently - I dont have tons of friends yet in this parsha and Its my first child were marring off. Every expence for the wedding has been a major negotiation and at this point not only do I lack the funds but Im starting to resent the girl and her family (so many demands!). Why do I have to go without this pesach so that this girl can have (more) jewels? The girl who seemed so eidel and pnimisdik suddenly needs it all. Were getting help from chessed funds as it is, I have to take more tzedaka so that she can have more presents?

Also, what I am supposed to give her? And what is she supposed to give my son? Asking so I know aprox what to try to spend. I wasnt brought up like this so I have no clue, but I dont want ds to look bad.
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mummiedearest




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 30 2015, 4:51 pm
op, is there any way you can sit down with future dil and set her straight? or have your ds do it? or have him tell her that this is not your family minhag, and since she will be taking on his minhagim, they should both agree not to give each other anything. or have him buy the jewelry himself.
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Fox




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 30 2015, 5:00 pm
I have absolutely no experience in this area, nor are we necessarily from the same community, but here's what I would do:

Call the shadchan, your rav, or someone else who understands the mindset, expectations, and customs in your kehilla. Explain the financial situation and ask for advice on the amount and type of gift that would be appropriate given your budget.

Buy the gift, allow your son to present it, and stay firm. Practice a response in advance in case there are any snarky comments from the girl's family or others. Don't allow yourself to be bullied into spending more than you can afford.

My observation with family members who have been in this situation is that being extremely firm yet polite is actually pretty effective. For whatever reason, calm confidence seems to discourage these marital extortionists and makes them less likely to pull such tricks in the future.
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 30 2015, 5:06 pm
how about a nice haggada ...
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Sanguine




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 30 2015, 5:15 pm
greenfire wrote:
how about a nice haggada ...
I think that's nice too. Something special showing what you value. (but I'm not from those circles that have rules and expectations)
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 30 2015, 5:51 pm
What is the couple planning to live on after the wedding? If money is an issue, they should be living in that reality now. Someone who agrees to get married without much money should realize that comes with less gifts. If they didn't agree to the marriage without the money... Well, keeping up a charade during the engagement is unlikely to help anyone. Perhaps it's time to talk about the total situation, not the pesach gift but overall expectations, with the couple and your/their mentor/rav.
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mfb




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 30 2015, 5:58 pm
I think in the chassidishe world its expected that the kallah will get a piece of jewelery for pesach. Not saying what u should do just what most pple expect.
I think the advice to speak to your rav is good.
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 30 2015, 6:02 pm
perhaps the other family feels pressured as well ... can you discuss that you're not following these 'rules' and nobody need buy any grand present for pesach ?
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Sewsew_mom




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 30 2015, 8:28 pm
Makes me so sad to see young couples starting off their marriage like this.. Nice haggada sounds nice and thoughtful enough. Maybe a gift card to a clothing store..? Not sure what you think she's expecting cus apparently ive never been in that situation.. Good luck
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Yael3




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 30 2015, 9:25 pm
OP, would you be willing to PM me? I have a suggestion that I'd like to talk to you about privately.
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amother
Maroon


 

Post Tue, Mar 31 2015, 12:17 am
mfb wrote:
I think in the chassidishe world its expected that the kallah will get a piece of jewelery for pesach. Not saying what u should do just what most pple expect.
I think the advice to speak to your rav is good.
Not true. since my sons kallah has already received the basics like a ring, pearls, etc, she is getting a haggada and not even expecting more.

following takanas sure helps.

OP, telling us which community you are from would help us assist you.
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LisaS




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 31 2015, 5:58 am
Another idea that may remove some awkwardness, is to call her and tell her that you feel so lucky to have such an awesome DIL and that you would like to buy her something for Pesach - is there anything she would like? Maybe she will surprise you and ask for a machzor instead of jewelry. She will see that you care about her, and want to make an effort to please her, and if she is as aidel as you say she is, she will probably not ask for a diamond bracelet.

The main thing is that you have a good relationship with your DIL and that she is happy and feels appreciated and loved. What her parents think doesn't matter.
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Delores




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 31 2015, 8:20 am
LisaS wrote:
Maybe she will surprise you and ask for a machzor instead of jewelry. She will see that you care about her, and want to make an effort to please her, and if she is as aidel as you say she is, she will probably not ask for a diamond bracelet.

What if she asks for a diamond bracelet??
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amother
Teal


 

Post Tue, Mar 31 2015, 8:30 am
LisaS wrote:
Another idea that may remove some awkwardness, is to call her and tell her that you feel so lucky to have such an awesome DIL and that you would like to buy her something for Pesach - is there anything she would like? Maybe she will surprise you and ask for a machzor instead of jewelry. She will see that you care about her, and want to make an effort to please her, and if she is as aidel as you say she is, she will probably not ask for a diamond bracelet.


I don't know - if I was the Kallah I would feel very uncomfortable and I would say, "Oh dear MIL I am so happy to be joining your family - it is uneccessary to buy me anything. At which point the MIL would probably jump at this opportunity and say OK have a good pesach, and then I would be angry and resentful for being put on the spot and losing out on my Pesach gift which I should have gotten as a Kallah, to post on imamother a decade later - I can't get over my resentment towards my MIL - she bought all my other SILs Pesach presents and not me.
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Talya




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 31 2015, 8:45 am
Delores wrote:
What if she asks for a diamond bracelet??

I can't think of a way that would paint a kallah who asks for that in a good light. How do you ask for such a thing? Say all my friends said we get diamond bracelets for pesach?
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GetReal




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 31 2015, 9:27 am
Asking her is really putting her on the spot. I can't imagine anything good will come out of it.
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Barbara




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 31 2015, 9:32 am
Talya wrote:
I can't think of a way that would paint a kallah who asks for that in a good light. How do you ask for such a thing? Say all my friends said we get diamond bracelets for pesach?


Not my community, for sure, but if that's what is "traditional" for yom tov, why would it paint the kallah in a bad light?
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 31 2015, 9:37 am
please don't ask her what she wants ... that is simply uncouth
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amother
Coffee


 

Post Tue, Mar 31 2015, 10:01 am
In some circles, not sure if it's yours op, the gifts go like this: By whatever yom tov during the engagement the chasson gets the thing that goes along with that yom tov. Succos an esrog box, peasach a sedar plate, Chanukah a menorah. Also the chasson gets a set of Shas somewhere along the line.
The kallah gets a set of machzarim with her name, some put her new last name on it. Some also give jewelry with it, or send a nice bouquet of flowers for yom tov.
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