Did any of you have a Rabbi ruin your shidduch?

amother

Natural

Sun, Mar 29 2015, 11:19 pm

This actually feel really good to let out and I am posting it as Amother since I hardly let myself think these thoughts so it is weird to write them.

I dated a boy for 1 years and were unofficially engaged at that point when his rav turned him against me and said a bunch of negative things about me based on things he had told his Rav. This Rav has a reputation for doing things like this. He caused many fights between us. We broke up and 6 months later he realized that he had made a mistake but by that point the hurt was done and we were unable to repair what had been broken.

Looking back I am REALLY happy I didn't marry him and that it didn't work out mostly because then I would not have my amazing wonderful husband and my delicious children but when ever I run into him on the street (not often as we live in different countries but it does happen) my heart breaks and I privately go and cry. The same way I would had I lost a best friend I was not engaged to. I think about him all the time and hope he is happy with his wife and children and know that I will always have feelings for him.

Wow I can believe I put that into words. I feel so guilty having these feelings since I know it has no place I my life and my marriage now.

DrMom

Mon, Mar 30 2015, 12:59 am

amother wrote:

That is a horrible story. Next time someone posts something related to the "shidduch crisis" we should link to this thread.

imaima

Mon, Mar 30 2015, 1:00 am

amother wrote:

Although I do not regret not marrying the two boys, this sort of happened to me on two occasions, two different Rabbis who discouraged me from marrying a boy I was dating solely for religious reasons - each time they claimed that the boy wasn't frum enough for me. And other stupid things. Like that because the boy watches movies (we're talking regular movies) I will never be able to se-xually satisfy him and he is dealing with such a case now - in reverse - with a woman who is getting divorced because she reads romace novels and has unrealistic expectations of intimacy. Oh, and that because the boy likes to question things, it will be very dangerous and my family won't handle it well. And that when the spanish inquisition happened, it was the people who questioned things who left Judaism the quickest. Looking back, I only listened back then because I believed in "daas torah".

When it came the boy I would later marry, I was wiser and asked no one.

I had not a rabbi but a friend hint at something like that when I was dating my husband. That his friends and he are baalei teshuva so they have had experience and it will be impossible to satisfy them sxually. To that I wondered why she thinks I won't be able to satisfy anyone in bed? Am I not hot enough for her? LOL

That was the end of discussion.
if a rav told.me that, I think I would be the one blackmouthing such an inappropriate rav to everyone else...

DrMom

Mon, Mar 30 2015, 2:57 am

imaima wrote:

That was the end of discussion.
if a rav told.me that, I think I would be the one blackmouthing such an inappropriate rav to everyone else...

Because all BT are insatiable sx addicts. Rolling Eyes

shoshanim999

Mon, Mar 30 2015, 8:49 am

I think we have to clarify what it means "ruin a shidduch?" Does telling the truth still count as ruining a shidduch? a few examples....

1. Rabbi tells one side that the other side has several divorces among the siblings.
2. Rabbi tells one side that he is certain that a few years back the boy/girl wasn't shomer negia at all.
3. Rabbi tells one side that in his honest opinion the boy/girl is lazy and not a hard worker.
4. Rabbi tells one side that there is a history of mental illness in the family.
5. Rabbi tells one side that the boy/girl has several siblings that are off the derech.
6. Rabbi tells one side that boy/girl has an anger problem.

The point is that if a rabbi is giving over factual information that may be important to a prospective shidduch, and that information "ruins" the shidduch, is that the rabbi's fault or does the rabbi have an obligation to tell someone asking, everything he knows?

How about this question: Did any of you have a rabbi that could have saved u many years of misery had they been honest and open when asked about ur eventual spouse?

kelsorino

Mon, Mar 30 2015, 9:14 am

I think that anything pertaining to the Shidduch that the boy will find out either way should be told. In my community I find it hard to believe that someone would break off a Shidduch based on a sibling being off the derech so it wouldn't be such a big deal to tell. I don't think saying that one used to not be shomer negeia should be told by anyone except the spouse if that is something they would like to share. That is just lashon hara that can break off a Shidduch for no reason. The past is the past and they can be the best catch now. I personally believe that most things should be shared by the boy/girl themselves but I live in a community where that is exceptable. I can imagine in other communities where the couple meets for only a few weeks that they would want to know most before hand. I am so happy I was able to share the personal details of my life with my spouse myself and not have him find out before hand from a bunch of references. I'm sure had he found out before he would not have gone out with me :-). Something's are just irrelevant in person but in paper sound insane!!!

amother

Gold

Mon, Mar 30 2015, 9:43 am

This rabbi didn't ruin the shidduch, but he put in a nice effort trying, and ruined DH's family in the process. When DH continued to move forward, he advised my ILs to threaten not to go to the wedding, hoping that threat would get DH to back off from his "folly". DH still went forward, and the rabbi told my ILs they had to follow through, so they did not attend our wedding. They dug in their heels and proceeded to: not attend their next two children's weddings, not meet any of their grandchildren, alienate other family members, such as their siblings and cousins. Finally, about two years ago, they woke up and realized they had alienated everyone they cared about and started to make amends. The thing is, the kind of things they did (you know, not attending the weddings of their own children) are not that kind of things you can just say sorry about and expect to move on. They are making a good faith effort to repair relationships, but it's ongoing and not happening so fast because they hurt a lot of people VERY deeply. For instance, although me and DH have met and spoken with them and are working through issues, we are not ready to allow them to meet our children. IYH in due time we will get there, but not now. As to the rabbi, he is a popular and well-respected figure, and we have to deal with listening to everyone talk about how AMAZING and INSPIRING he is. He was in our area for Shabbos once, and we didn't attend any of his lectures or the oneg or other stuff in his honor and friends were wondering why we would miss such a SPECIAL event when we were home that Shabbos. Not that I blame them, because they don't know the story, but it is hard to listen to.

amother

Lime

Mon, Mar 30 2015, 3:24 pm

Yes when I was engaged my chatan's rav told him not to marry me because my parents are secular and probably did not keep taharat hamishpacha when I was conceived. I am happy that it did not go through and he dropped the engagement because today I am religious and that boy has struggled religiously and while he is very nice we are really not a match.

amother

Babyblue

Mon, Mar 30 2015, 7:51 pm

Yes. My parents reported a child molester (who was a Rabbi) and so the Rabbis involved told people my parents were in a forbidden marriage. One of the Rabbis involved called every shadchan and Rosh Yeshiva he could in 2 states and in Israel. My father took one of the Rabbis to Beis Din and he Beis Din asked for some kind of evidence and when there was none (of course) the Rabbi had to write a letter of retraction, but it was too late. It was very hard for me and my siblings to get married after this.

Another time, a Rabbi blocked a shidduch with no explanation but I later found out that the boy's mother was not halachically Jewish but the Rabbi didn't want to tell anyone because the parents gave a lot of money to the shul.

kadosh

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 2:35 am

If a Rabbi tells a shidduch things that he is halachically obligated to tell like about health problems that you might have or if you have anger issues or anything like that then it's ok. But for a Rabbi to do something to purposely ruin a shidduch like cause fights between the 2 of you or say bad stuff just because he doesn't like the idea of the 2 of you together is a big aveirah.

amother

Royalblue

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 7:19 am

amother wrote:

No, he just expounded on my dhs anger issues and our shalom bayis. He claimed that "everybody asks about shalom bayis"
What was so wrong is that we had great shalom bayis for over 15 years. Then the issues came up. By then, ds was out of the house and in yeshiva-so he knew what good shalom bayis was!

I respectfully disagree.
Your husbands anger issues do effect your kids. He is their role model and any future wife should know about it.

Also, why do you mean you had great shalom Bayis for 15 years and then issues came up?
Unless there was a medical issue that caused personality changes, what changed after 15 years, people don't change drastically after 15 years of wedded bliss.
I do not like when people make light of shalom Bayis issues, they definetly effect the children. It's true most times we are not privy to it, but if it was bad enough that the Rav knew about it, it is something I would want to know.

mommy3b2c

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 8:33 am

amother wrote:

I have to agree. If I would have none about my in laws sb issues, I never would have married my husb.

amother

Chocolate

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 8:41 am

kadosh wrote:

Why is a rabbi halachically required to tell about health problems? That should be discussed between the couple themselves. Not everyone looking into potentially going on a single date with an individual has a right to their medical history. The people I know on meds were told they have to say after 3-4 dates or before it gets too serious. It was definitely not the place of anyone else to say anything before that. Medical issues is not something that can be hidden but at the same time the person in question has to have a chance to get married and you will most likely give someone more of a chance after you get to know them before knowing their medical history than after which is why rabbanim give this psak. So no reason a rabbi should be giving over that info.

amother

Lilac

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 1:24 pm

my husband's magid shiur used to threaten the buchurim by bragging about how many shidduchim he ruined. He was basically telling them 'get on my good side or else'
even worse, he would tell blatant and ridiculous lies to people who called for information. He told one father that the bachur he was calling about still plays with legos. Another time he claimed that a perfectly normal buchur was on medication.
When my father was doing research for me, he didn't even call this maggid shiur. The maggid shiur heard about the shidduch and he called my father to say that he can't give details but if we went through with the shidduch we would regret it. Luckily, we had heard enough information not to get thrown off by this. My husband refuses to even greet this rasha when he sees him on the streets.

There are terrible, power hungry people in the world and we can't depend on a title or 'uniform'.