The mitzvah of tochacha - question?!

amother

Papaya

Mon, Apr 13 2015, 5:12 pm

This is a story that happened maybe twenty -five years ago.
My mother was sitting shiva, and in walks a very "choshuva" rebbitzen, turns to my mother, and has a private discussion with her, obviously making my mother feel very flattered by the very personal attention she was getting from such an important lady. She starts badmouthing my husband's grandparents (!?!!) to my mother, with tongue-clicking and hushed tones to add to the drama of the moment.

My mother even repeated the junk to me, with a mixture of pride at the attention, and confusion at what she was expected to do with this juicy new information.. which had nothing to do with anything, lashon horah at its best..

Now, my shlom-bayis was from day one on the target, because of people's insecurities and jealousies. What resulted from all of this and much much more is that today, I do not talk to my mother.

Should I confront this rebbitzen, to be mekayem the mitzvah of tochocha?

black sheep

Mon, Apr 13 2015, 5:20 pm

the mitzvah of giving tochacha is one I would feel great about doing every day!!!

but if done wrong, it is no mitzvah at all. (oh, well, so much for all that drama I was planning in my head.)

in this case, what good can come of giving this rebetzin tochacha? this was a one time occurrence. this is not a situation where you can help stop her from an ongoing wrong. also, there is the possibility that your mother retold it differently than the rebettzin said or meant it. and lastly, the real issue here, as far as I am concerned, is that your mother ACCEPTED the lashon hora. maybe that's who you should speak to, your mother, and tell her that she should not have accepted lashon hora, and explained to her how it led to the demise of your relationship. at least this way there is the possibility of repairing it, and some good coming of the tochacha.

amother

Papaya

Mon, Apr 13 2015, 5:40 pm

In my opinion, the issue is, why doesn't this rebbitzen keep the basic rules that every child is taught about shmiras halashon?????
Any one with a bit of brains in their head knows that the mitzvah is to give people chizuk, to make them feel good about inlaws, to bring people to feel closer to their natural rivals (in-laws) and not the opposite. This was totally unsolicted, spoken in a grossly inapropriate setting, and besides which, this lady is given world class kavod as being one of our leaders.

It simply causes me alot of pain. I think it would be of great to'eles to give the tochacha.
The reason it has taken me so long to be in contact with my feelings is because I had been feeling so knocked down all these years by the abuse on the community level, that I hadn't the strength. What should I say - HaShem has been picking me up, and at the present time, I am feeling totally outraged at how the frum leadership today abuses its power.

As far as speaking with my mother, forget it, that's completely lo shayach at the present moment.

imasoftov

Mon, Apr 13 2015, 6:20 pm

amother wrote:

If you think you might be able to get this rebbitzen to stop telling lashon hara, first try it on a few people whose lashon hara hasn't hurt you personally and see how it goes.