How to explain a death?

amother

Mint

Wed, Apr 15 2015, 4:04 pm

My dearest grandfather passed away today. Can someone help me out as to how I should explain this to my five year old? Dh and I are going away till after shabbos for levaya and shiva and leaving her with relatives, so I do have to give some sort of explanation. She is a super bright kid, we just spent tom tov with him, and sooner or later she will be inquiring as to his whereabouts. I don't believe in lying to kids, but obviously I need to tell her in age appropriate way without scaring her. Any advice is appreciated!

animeme

Wed, Apr 15 2015, 5:21 pm

There's actually a frum book about this now, if you want it. I have to look up the name. It's kind of a workbook that you write in.

Five year olds are very pragmatic about death. They want to know mostly how it will affect their everyday life. So you can explain that Zeyde went to shamayim to be with Hashem and isn't coming back until Mashgiach comes, but make sure you explain that you and DH are going away for a couple days and will be coming back.

Re. Her being scared, most kids have encountered death while learning parsha, so she likely has a reference. Or she may randomly say, "Shifra's Zeyde died. Her mother couldn't make her sandwiches all week." If she starts askin when you or she will die, you can say that youbguys are a lot younger. True, that's not a guarantee, but it does drastically reduce your odds and its fine to use it.

Just follow her lead- answer any any questions she might have. And don't freak if she starts bringing it up at the weirdest of times.

amother

Ruby

Wed, Apr 15 2015, 5:29 pm

Why don't you wait till you come back next week (if the relatives won't be discussing it). It might be confusing for her when you tell her about her grandfather and then her parents go away for a few days. Who will answer her questions on shabbes?

gp2.0

Wed, Apr 15 2015, 6:45 pm

Hugs, OP. When my grandfather passed away, I told my then 4 yo DD that her zaidy was not alive anymore. When she asked what that meant, I said that it's like he's sleeping but he won't wake up again. When she asked where he was, I told her that his body is buried in the ground, which is sad because we can't see him anymore, but his neshoma is with Hashem, which makes her zaidy really happy. Those were all the questions she had...

ETA: I also reassured her that Tatty and Mommy and she were all going to live for a long time, because we weren't very old yet, and though some people can die when they are younger, most people die when they are old. (I felt like this was lying a little bit, but figured it's an acceptable lie for now to prevent her having nightmares about us dying.)

mummiedearest

Wed, Apr 15 2015, 9:10 pm

I'm so sorry, op. unfortunately, we've had to go through this a few times with our kids. we told them everything honestly and as they asked. so we started by telling them which grandparent died. one of my kids doesn't really react, another immediately starts to cry and needs to be cuddled, the third is kinda young but understands that dead=we can't see that person ever again, so cries for five minutes and moves on with her day. the middle one asks all kinds of questions: what happens at the funeral, what happens if grandma is really just sleeping and they bury her and grandma wakes up, how does the doctor know grandma died, how did grandma die, do we have to put her in a cave (parsha-related question there...), where is grandma now, etc. I answer honestly and on as simple a level as I can. if she asks for further details, I give them. if your child is sensitive/was close with this grandparent, be prepared to have her randomly tell you that she misses your grandfather for the foreseeable future. my daughters still mention missing my grandma after more than a year has passed. you may want to give your daughter a special picture of your grandfather that is just for her to have. discuss all the things you both loved about your grandfather. it's ok for her to see you cry.

My sincere condolences to your family, op.