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What do I do at my upcoming simcha
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amother
cornflower


 

Post Mon, Apr 20 2015, 9:43 pm
We are sending out invitations iy"h very soon for my sons bar mitzvah. The Aliyah L'torah and kiddiush is in Eretz Yisroel and his party is in our hometown during the week. Lately we received many invitations for our friends/ Neighbors bar mitzvahs for kiddish only. We know for a fact they had a regular party during the week for friends and family. Are we supposed to invite them to our party during the week? Most of these people we invited them to our weekday party last time. And we keep on getting invitations to their sons kiddish only. What would you do?
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UQT




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 20 2015, 9:46 pm
If they are close enough that you would want them to share in your simcha, you need to invite them. How about making a dessert reception at the end and have them come for a buffet dessert, maybe some finger foods/kugel as well.
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amother
cornflower


 

Post Mon, Apr 20 2015, 9:49 pm
We thought of the dessert buffet option but they will probably get insulted if they show up and find out others were invited to the dinner buffet also.
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UQT




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 20 2015, 9:51 pm
I've never been insulted to only be invited for part - glad to have more of my night free! But if you are making only one event and they are your friends, you have to invited them - even if have you been making a Kiddush you would have just invited them for the Kiddush.
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Kitten




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 20 2015, 9:54 pm
If you don't have any budget restrictions, invite people you want to see and/or always invite you to their simchas. Unless your are close friends, in some circles it's a practice to invite not so close friends to the kiddush only.
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agreer




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 21 2015, 12:19 am
what's the big deal? If you are only invited to their kiddush, of course you only invite them to your kiddish....and if they can't come b/c it's in israel, that's not your fault. You are under no obligation to invite them to your party just because you're not making a kiddish in town.

mazal tov!
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 21 2015, 5:42 am
If there is a habit by you to invite only for kiddush, you can do that.
I'd rather invite fewer people, for everything (local to them).
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amother
cornflower


 

Post Tue, Apr 21 2015, 8:25 am
OP here our friends that invited us to kiddush only and only made a boys party for their son after or they made nothing. I have no problem that I invited them in the past and I will definitely iy"h invite them to all my simchas. And they will be in my budget no matter what.
The group of people that I know for a fact made a party during the week that didn't invite us is really what I'm concerned what to do? That is where I'm looking for advice. We just get there kiddish only invitations.
The last group of people are people that we never invited to our previous simchas and just send us invite to kiddush or chuppah only. I'm really not looking to spend unlimited money and make a free for all out of my simcha because my son chose to go to Israel for his Aliyah Latorah. I can definitely send this group a invite for Kiddush in Israel even though I wasn't planning on sending this invite to all our American guests unless I know they are joining us there. But do you think some people will pass us stupid comments if we are giving free accomodations for Shabbos in Israel?
We need to get this issue resolved quickly because I have to send out invites very soon.
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 21 2015, 8:40 am
I don't understand why you don't feel comfortable only inviting them to the Kiddush if they did the same.
And if someone is having part of the simcha in E"Y, I would think most people would assume that the local parts might be toned down a bit. Unless you have an unlimited budget in which case, what's the problem? Wink
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amother
cornflower


 

Post Tue, Apr 21 2015, 8:44 am
Pinkfridge my husband feels funny because last time we invited them to the affair. So now we should just send them invite to Israel? They will all hear from somebody that we did make a local party during the week also.
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 21 2015, 8:48 am
amother wrote:
Pinkfridge my husband feels funny because last time we invited them to the affair. So now we should just send them invite to Israel? They will all hear from somebody that we did make a local party during the week also.


Ah, I see you invited them last time.
And yet, they're only sending you Kiddush invites. I assume because of budget constraints. You have to know them but they may actually feel relieved to get just Kiddush invitations.
Anyway, I hope I'm serving to bump the thread. I live in a community where big bo bayom dinners aren't de riguer. They're done, and increasingly, people with lots of family back east are going east to make dinners. I hope people with more experience can help.
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Kitten




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 21 2015, 8:49 am
OP, unless you have wealthy friends who are close to you, I doubt people will go to EY. The party in your hometown might be a replacement for that and your friends might want to come, at least to say mazel tov. I'm just realizing this now.
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Notsobusy




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 21 2015, 8:54 am
I know plenty of people who made a big affair for their first son's bar mitzvah, but not for their other sons. Sometimes it's because their son, like yours, wants a different kind of celebration, sometimes it's the parents themselves, they realized they don't want such a big party, or they can't afford it anymore, or whatever their reason is.

Some people make a weeknight dinner and only invite relatives and close friends. That's what I did. There are a lot of people that invite me to their dinners that I didn't invite to mine. They made a big party and invited all their friends, we made a small party and invited less than 10 couples besides family, just really close friends and neighbors.

Maybe just put on the invitation that the aliyah letorah is at whatever address in Israel. Like this it doesn't look like your inviting them to a Kiddush in Israel, but they"ll see that you're celebrating in Israel and will understand why they're not invited.
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amother
cornflower


 

Post Tue, Apr 21 2015, 9:00 am
OP here I don't expect anyone to fly to Israel for my simcha. That's why originally we were not planning to send out invites for the kiddish. We were only going to send it to relatives that are coming or if we know that a friend will be there because of something else. I would never expect a person to spend money to fly to my simcha. I hate when people make wedding out of town and expect you to fly there. But it was suggested here to send to people that just send us kiddush and chuppah invites to send them invite to our kiddush.
BTW the people that we invited to our last simcha and only invited us back for kiddush made very balabatish bar mitzvah's.
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amother
cornflower


 

Post Tue, Apr 21 2015, 9:07 am
glutenless wrote:
I know plenty of people who made a big affair for their first son's bar mitzvah, but not for their other sons. Sometimes it's because their son, like yours, wants a different kind of celebration, sometimes it's the parents themselves, they realized they don't want such a big party, or they can't afford it anymore, or whatever their reason is.

Some people make a weeknight dinner and only invite relatives and close friends. That's what I did. There are a lot of people that invite me to their dinners that I didn't invite to mine. They made a big party and invited all their friends, we made a small party and invited less than 10 couples besides family, just really close friends and neighbors.

Maybe just put on the invitation that the aliyah letorah is at whatever address in Israel. Like this it doesn't look like your inviting them to a Kiddush in Israel, but they"ll see that you're celebrating in Israel and will understand why they're not invited.

We are making iy"h the exact party during the week but no Shabbos in our hometown. People will hear in shul or from a friend or neighbor that we did the same party during the week.
The people that made small parties during the week for family I have no problem inviting again. It's the people that made large parties during the week that we invited last time are the people that I don't know what to do with.
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Kitten




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 21 2015, 9:09 am
If you don't expect anyone to fly to your simcha, why not make a standard invitation card inviting them to the kiddush also?
I know for wedding invitations, people send millions of invitations but they really don't expect all these people to show up, maybe for dancing but definitely not for the meal. When you get an invitation, you decide for yourself if it's appropriate to come to the meal. I however do know a couple of people who make different types of invitations.
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amother
cornflower


 

Post Tue, Apr 21 2015, 9:10 am
Kitten wrote:
OP, unless you have wealthy friends who are close to you, I doubt people will go to EY. The party in your hometown might be a replacement for that and your friends might want to come, at least to say mazel tov. I'm just realizing this now.

But I would have to invite them for the entire dinner for them to say mazel tov? I don't want to mail the entire shul list and invite for dinner.
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Notsobusy




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 21 2015, 9:10 am
amother wrote:
BTW the people that we invited to our last simcha and only invited us back for kiddush made very balabatish bar mitzvah's.


It's possible they had to cut down on their guest list to be able to afford a balabatish bar mitzvah. Or else, I don't meant to hurt you, but they may not consider you as close as you consider yourselves. Someone recently sent us an invitation to their child's wedding including the dinner, we were shocked. We really don't think we're such good friends with them, we know they have many friends and we're not sure why they invited us to the whole thing.

I don't think you have to worry so much about what other people did, just invite whoever you want to whatever you want. It's your simcha, you get to make the decisions. By their simcha, they get to decide.
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Iymnok




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 21 2015, 9:11 am
Wow, that's hard. No one wants to live with a double standard. Maybe make a dessert table at the end for those who lack sensitivity.
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Kitten




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 21 2015, 9:16 am
If you just want to invite a smaller number of people, why not call them instead of sending an invitation? Not everyone sends invitations.
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