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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette
Is it a Mitzvah if you don't want to do it? (Giving a ride)



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amother
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Post Fri, Apr 24 2015, 10:59 am
A couple of my coworkers live in my neighborhood. I have a car, they dont. Almost every day one, if not both, is asking me for a ride. It is about a 25 minute drive home, and I really appreciate having some "me time" before I got home to crazy hour with the kids. 99.9% of the time I say yes, because it is a Mitzvah. While they try to accommodate my schedule (I explain that I literally leave the last possible minute I have to in order to be home for the sitter) I can move quickly and they sometimes take a bit longer. And I am constantly getting asked what time I am leaving that day, and then I always have to consider them if I want to throw in a last minute errand on the way home.

It's kind of getting to me. So my question is, if I really don't want to do it and I'm doing it anyway, is it still a Mitzvah? I feel like a b**** complaining about this because people have much bigger problems, but as a full time working mom of 3 kids, it's sometimes nice to have a half hour a day that I don't have to consider other people's schedules...or talk....or listen to someone talk....
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mummiedearest




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 24 2015, 11:03 am
I think you should tell these coworkers that due to scheduling issues, you will only be able to provide rides on tuesday and thursday (for example) from now on. since you don't have any kind of agreement with them, they obviously have some other means of transportation. this will allow you some time off from their company while giving you some time to yourself. I don't think you need to have an extra job of providing transportation.
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the world's best mom




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 24 2015, 11:45 am
To answer the thread title, it'd s bigger Mitzvah if you don't want to do it. However, you have no obligation to drive them every day. It is your choice.
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 24 2015, 11:49 am
the world's best mom wrote:
To answer the thread title, it'd s bigger Mitzvah if you don't want to do it. However, you have no obligation to drive them every day. It is your choice.


But if you telegraph that you don't enjoy doing the mitzvah, and it carries on into being tense once you come home, it may not be a good tradeoff.
We've heard all about how chesed outside the home is wonderful but family comes first, etc. I like what mummie dearest said. It's very legitimate to mark off some time for decompression. And OP does not need to - and should not - provide an excuse.
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Rubber Ducky




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 24 2015, 12:53 pm
When you do the mitzvah please be gracious — you get more mitzvah points that way! But I agree with Mummiedearest that you can limit the days you're available.
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BetsyTacy




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 24 2015, 1:02 pm
Would you feel better if you were paid? A 25 minute ride means you are not giving someone a lift who would otherwise be walking for free. Usually carpoolers pitch in for gas, tolls, wear and tear. Do they offer? I know saw50states has written about being paid to drive carpool-while it is more responsibility to drive other people's children, it is still a responsibility to drive adults too. This is not a little old lady, this is a coworker.
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Lani22




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 24 2015, 1:02 pm
I dont think you should have to take their schedules into consideration. Say im leaving at so and so time and not a minute later. If they aren't ready by then, leave. Also if you have an errand to do then by all means do it let them wait in the car!
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 24 2015, 1:13 pm
I don't have a car, and often ask friends to take me to appointments, the grocery store, etc.

Yes, it is a much bigger mitzvah if you don't want to do it, as long as you can do it graciously.

Still, you need to have healthy boundaries, and take care of your own wellbeing first. I'm an introvert, too. I totally understand the need to decompress, have quiet time, gather my thoughts, and relax. Without that, I'm a frazzled disaster, and my "me" time is sacrosanct.

Your passengers owe it to you to be gracious, offer gas money, thank you profusely, and not yak your ears off all the way home. They need to be respectful of your time, and be understanding if your answer is "not today".
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morah




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 24 2015, 1:25 pm
I've only been able to drive for the last year or so, so I've had a lot of experience of being on the receiving end of rides. You can totally run an errand and let them wait in the car. I have had people do that, I totally didn't mind. They were doing me a FAVOR, of course it had to be on their terms. I still got home earlier than I would have on public transportation, so I was perfectly happy to sit in the car for 10 minutes while they did whatever.
As for the needing alone time, that's fine too. You can decide to take them only on certain days. You can on any old day just say "It's not going to work out today, sorry" with no need for further explanation. You also can definitely dictate the times, and if they're not ready, too bad. You drive, you get to decide the itinerary.
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smss




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 24 2015, 1:29 pm
I so hear you on needing that alone time before going home to your kids, OP.
lots of good advice here which I won't repeat, but just wanted to validate that need. for some people, it really is a NEED.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 24 2015, 1:48 pm
OP, in your ideal world, would you:

a) always be alone in your car;
b) have 2 or 3 days to yourself each week;
c) be OK as long as you could leave exactly when you want, and run errands as needed; or
d) some combination of the above?

Now, how can you go about creating that situation?

In my book, even choosing option a) still leaves you the chance to do the occasional mitzvah in an emergency.

Chesed begins at home. Arriving home frazzled and less calm for your kids is a real concern. It's a mitzvah to be a loving mother, and to be b'simcha, too.

Start with what works for you, and make exceptions only when it feels right.

Learning to say no will also be a useful skill as your kids grow.
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amother
Black


 

Post Mon, Apr 27 2015, 1:22 pm
OP here. Thank you everyone for validating my feelings. Your comments gave me Chizuk to say I have things to do on the way home today, and even though my coworker still asked where I would be going (ummm none of your business!!) I stuck to my guns and vaguely said I have things to do and I don't know when I'm leaving. Whew. Sigh of relief at least for today.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 27 2015, 3:09 pm
To answer the title question, of course it is. Vehorayoh, that one of Rambam's eight levels of tzedakah is giving grudgingly.
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