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Forum -> Parenting our children
Is it OK to cry in front of my kids



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amother
Sienna


 

Post Fri, Apr 24 2015, 11:03 am
My husband decided he wants a divorce. it's been an emotional roller coaster the last few months. Mostly I hide it but sometimes I cant.. is it OK for my kids to see me cry? I'm devastated and so r the kids. They r small.
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Ema of 5




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 24 2015, 11:08 am
I think its ok for them to see that you are hurting just like they are, as long as its not a regular thing. they have to see that you are stable, that you can take care of them, not that you are crying and falling apart. but to occasionally cry? I think its ok
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amother
Royalblue


 

Post Fri, Apr 24 2015, 11:11 am
I don't know if it's okay or not but if you cant stop yourself then at least don't make the kids feel that they need to comfort you. By crying you are showing them your emotions so also show them that you can handle your emotions by explaining that you will be okay.

Don't ask them to make you feel better or to behave especially good because you are sad.
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mummiedearest




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 24 2015, 11:13 am
I think it's important for them to see you cry, at least once. this is hard for them too, and seeing mommy cry shows them that it's ok for them to feel sad.
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JMM-uc




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 24 2015, 11:16 am
Of course it's okay!! Don't worry, you're not going to traumatize them.
Explain very simply in a language they can understand "mommy is very sad now, that's why she's crying. Sometimes we cry when we're sad and that's okay. You have nothing to worry about, everything is going to be okay, we'll get through this together"

Big hugs sent your way! Hug Hug Hug
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amother
Emerald


 

Post Fri, Apr 24 2015, 11:37 am
I sometimes cry in front of my kids, and it seems they don't even notice. I over heard them play house one day and dd was the mommy and she started crying over something so ds says 'mommys don't cry!' shock They are little (7 and younger) so maybe tears in their mind don't equal crying? Maybe kvetching does? Don't know, just thought it was cute. So yes I cry, but I try not to do it all everyday all day, because then it'll effect them. Hug
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amother
Pearl


 

Post Fri, Apr 24 2015, 1:03 pm
My advice would be a little different. I would say, yes, certainly cry in front of your children as an expression of your emotions. If you're asked about it, or hear a comment like mommies don't cry, I would tell your kids that mommies are people, and that people cry when they're sad and its ok. What I would recommend is that if your kids observe you crying, you take that opportunity to do some self-talk (out loud) and say something like, "I am so sad right now. I am going to take the time I need to cry and then take a deep breath so I can calm down and not stay stuck in my sadness". Then do this. Also, I do not recommend saying "you have nothing to worry about". The kids' fears and worries are very real and should be discussed, not dismissed.
Sincerely,
a child psychologist
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amother
Chartreuse


 

Post Fri, Apr 24 2015, 1:59 pm
My marriage is on the rocks too, and I'm often in a lot of emotional pain. I OCCASIONALLY cry in front of the kids. My daughter asked me if mommy has a boo boo, and I told her I have a boo boo in my heart and mommy is very sad. She was ok with it, gave me a kiss to heal my boo boo, and we both moved on. I do try not to discuss any emotionally heated conversations in front of the kids, even though they are little and don't understand, since they do pick up on the emotions and it makes them feel unstable. I try to spend a few minutes daily affirming to them that I'm here and I'm taking care of them, to help them feel secure in this insecure time in our lives.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 24 2015, 2:19 pm
I believe in allowing children to see a parent's vulnerability, as long as it is in a healthy way (not needy or codependent).

What is equally important, if not more so, is to model resiliency. Children need to see that it's OK to be hurt, angry, or upset - and that they will survive it. Show that you can bounce back, and that the sad times are not permanent. Even saying something like "Mommy was sad, but she's feeling lots better now. Do you want to go to the park?" or similar, shows that life DOES go on.

Resiliency is the absolute key to preventing lasting trauma.
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amother
Gold


 

Post Fri, Apr 24 2015, 2:20 pm
Ill say it from the other side:

My mother NEVER cried. And she had a lot to cry about.
I don't blame her, she had to shut her emotions in order to survive.
But that did teach me to shut my emotions too.
I have a hard time showing any emotion to anyone, never mind crying.

It's definitely an affect from that and it doesn't make my life easy.

So show your emotions to your children. It's ok, but don't traumatized them.
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 24 2015, 2:56 pm
I think yes, but not too often, and be prepared to explain in a way that will help them understand the role of crying and emotion. Some PP expressed it better.
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amother
Silver


 

Post Fri, Apr 24 2015, 3:47 pm
Please when you do , explain to your kids that your sad and it's ok to cry , but then tell them your feeling better and your ok .
My mother used to cry from time to time , I used to have such guilt and tearing from it ... Bc in my little mind I didn't know that she was ok after ,a whole day in school I saw her crying face in front of me ... leads to a lot of instability ...
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embanimsmeicha




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Apr 25 2015, 2:48 pm
When I was growing up my mom had a friend who had kids a bit older than me..The friend NEVER showed if she was upset about something and her kids used to go to my mom for advice if they were in a position where they felt out of control, because in their minds their mom was a superwoman who could cope with everything.
So yup in my opinion it's important to show your children that you're human (up to a certain point).
Also, if my little boy sees me cry, I tell him that mommy is a bit sad now but beH it will work out. He's my first and he's only 2 so I don't know how much he understands but I'm hoping it will instill a sense of emuna in him!
Hashem should give you and your children the strength to work through this difficult time!
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heidi




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Apr 25 2015, 3:15 pm
I'm a little torn on this one. I'm all for showing emotions to our children and being open and honest.
However, I went through a terrible time in my life when my youngest at the time was five. I thought I had it all together in front of my kids, but sometimes at night, in the dark when I was lying with him to put him to sleep I would turn away from him and sob silently. Or so I thought until I felt his little hand on my back, patting me, telling me it would be ok.
6 years later, I hear from his therapist (who he went to for social issues) that he is still very affected by _____ (the traumatic period in my life). This traumatic period was only upsetting to me, so the only thing that could have been related to him was my crying.
Something to think about.
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Bruria




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Apr 25 2015, 9:48 pm
I think it is OK and it's also important for kids to understand that mommy is human and sometimes she feels sad and that is OK.
Of course, it's very different than someone who is crying every day in front of the kids, but once in a while to let it go, I don't think it's a problem, I actually think it's healthy.
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chani8




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 26 2015, 2:15 am
I think mommy's crying destabilizes the children. They need a strong, stable, cheerful mommy. Work out your issues in private. Then be there for the children, to help them deal with their sadness and stress of divorce. When my foster babies leave, I cry in private, and smile and wave as they walk out the door. You have the power of their experience in your hands. Protect them. Lower their stress as much as possible. Both you and your DH need to think of how to make this as easy as possible on the children, that they see very little drama.
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