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Yerida after 5 years?



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amother
Scarlet


 

Post Sun, Apr 26 2015, 6:13 am
I moved with my family to Israel about 5 years ago (my kids are now between 14-7) and I have not managed to adjust.
My husband was born in Israel and he had no problems adjusting. My kids are Israeli as Israel is really the only place they now remember. I, on the other hand have had a hard time learning the language and getting a job. I sometimes dont understand what my kids are saying because they do not know the word in English. I have no family in Israel and I am very homesick. We cannot afford to visit my family. I feel that it is unfair for my kids to grow up without family around. I have tried to live here and I feel it is very selfish to move them back at these ages as they are all ok here but I am so depressed and feel so helpless.

As a side, my oldest son who has adhd has been very difficult and is going off the derech. I am so emotional that any chizuk would be helpful right now. Thank you.
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amother
Lilac


 

Post Sun, Apr 26 2015, 6:17 am
amother wrote:
I moved with my family to Israel about 5 years ago (my kids are now between 14-7) and I have not managed to adjust.
My husband was born in Israel and he had no problems adjusting. My kids are Israeli as Israel is really the only place they now remember. I, on the other hand have had a hard time learning the language and getting a job. I sometimes dont understand what my kids are saying because they do not know the word in English. I have no family in Israel and I am very homesick. We cannot afford to visit my family. I feel that it is unfair for my kids to grow up without family around. I have tried to live here and I feel it is very selfish to move them back at these ages as they are all ok here but I am so depressed and feel so helpless.

As a side, my oldest son who has adhd has been very difficult and is going off the derech. I am so emotional that any chizuk would be helpful right now. Thank you.


Do you have a rav or mentor here who could help you?

I personally know a family who almost moved back, but then when they tried one more neighborhood, their kids began to thrive, and they decided that even though they themselves are not 100% happy here and haven't totally integrated, it was worth it to stay for their kids. Their kids have various issues and they are getting a lot of support here, and seem to be doing really well. It does help that they're very positive people so I don't think the kids are feeling their desire to go back.

Have you considered moving to a different area to see if it would be better for you?
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DrMom




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 26 2015, 6:24 am
Do yo live in a place with a strong "Anglo" presence? That can really help. Do you have friends here in Israel?

I guess it's too late now, but re: not understanding children: We enforce English in our home. We want to give our children the gift of bilingualism, so we make sure they are fluent by only speaking English at home. If my kids say something and throw in a Hebrew word mid-sentence, I interrupt them, "Excuse me, what is that word in English?" If thy don't know the word I tell them.

You mentioned you are having a hard time finding employment. What is your profession?

Also, can you skype with your family on a regular basis if they cannot visit?
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shabbatiscoming




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 26 2015, 6:29 am
DrMom wrote:
Do yo live in a place with a strong "Anglo" presence? That can really help. Do you have friends here in Israel?

I guess it's too late now, but re: not understanding children: We enforce English in our home. We want to give our children the gift of bilingualism, so we make sure they are fluent by only speaking English at home. If my kids say something and throw in a Hebrew word mid-sentence, I interrupt them, "Excuse me, what is that word in English?" If thy don't know the word I tell them.

You mentioned you are having a hard time finding employment. What is your profession?
I just wanted to point out that this is much harder to do when one parent speaks hebrew. My sister is married to an israeli. With her first child she was really careful to only talk to her in hebrew. But with her second, the second child understands it all, but does not speak a word of english. Its sometimes just too hard, hebrew from one parent and in school, it just sometimes wins out. There are many such families in my yishuv. The children only speak hebrew.


OP, so when you wrote yerida in your subject line, you didnt really mean you were leaving, as you said, your kids are pretty settled here and that would just be cruel to them. So lets see what ideas wer can help you with to make your home a better fit for you.
Does your husband have family here?
Did you ever take an ulpan? That could greatly help.
And I second finding a community that fits you better.
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Tablepoetry




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 26 2015, 6:36 am
DrMom wrote:


I guess it's too late now, but re: not understanding children: We enforce English in our home. We want to give our children the gift of bilingualism, so we make sure they are fluent by only speaking English at home. If my kids say something and throw in a Hebrew word mid-sentence, I interrupt them, "Excuse me, what is that word in English?" If thy don't know the word I tell them.



What Shabbat said. That usually only works if both parents are anglo, or one is anglo and the other is almost-anglo.
Once one parent is Israeli, it's extremely difficult to enforce English at home, especially if there are no other anglos in the area, and no extended English speaking family. It becomes near impossible if you mix in learning disabilities or attention problems, as OP's children seem to have.

Not saying it can't be done, but you need to be extraordinarily devoted, and family conversation becomes very disjointed (mom speaks in English, dad speaks in Hebrew, etc).
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amother
Scarlet


 

Post Sun, Apr 26 2015, 6:39 am
OP: Thanks so much for your replies. We do not live in an anglo community but have an anglo presence where we live. The anglo communities tend to be very expensive and really out of our budget. I have not really been able to connect with any other women in my community or with a rav. I am scared to changed communities because I do not want to uproot my kids and find I have the same problems. And I know leaving Israel would be much worse for them. Sometimes I wonder if I have to just stick it out and be miserable

At home, we do make our kids speak english to each other and change to english if they talk in hebrew but they still tend to talk to each other in hebrew or they have a hard time expressing things in english sometimes.

I worked in administration but I have not worked for a while and I have had a hard time finding anything that is not night hours, or does not need a lot of hebrew. I have been taking odd cleaning jobs to make some money.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 26 2015, 6:40 am
There are some really god ideas posted. Just want to send some hugs, and say that kids with ADHD often have a rough time of it in America, too. There are absolutely no guarantees that your DS would be happier or more likely to succeed in his yiddishkeit here.
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Tablepoetry




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 26 2015, 6:46 am
amother wrote:
I am scared to changed communities because I do not want to uproot my kids and find I have the same problems. And I know leaving Israel would be much worse for them. .


This. You can't go looking for other communities if your kids are settled. They're big kids, with friends and all, and moving them to another community is not something to be taken lightly. You may as well move to America if you're going to change their schools, friends, house, etc.

Sending you hugs, OP, it's hard to feel like a stranger, far from family.
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amother
Scarlet


 

Post Sun, Apr 26 2015, 6:50 am
OP: I feel I want yerida because I really miss my family and miss that my kids do not have interactions with family. But I know it would be traumatizing for them. My husband has a little extended family but they are not religious and it is sometimes difficult. I took ulpan but it just seems I am very slow at learning hebrew. I really tried and feel so stupid when I talk and people ask how long I have been here.

My son with adhd has made everything very difficult and has also affected our whole house dynamic. I have thought of trying other communities but as I said I am scared that it might not work for my kids who seem find where we are.
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DrMom




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 26 2015, 6:51 am
amother wrote:
I worked in administration but I have not worked for a while and I have had a hard time finding anything that is not night hours, or does not need a lot of hebrew. I have been taking odd cleaning jobs to make some money.

What about changing professions slightly?
Patent writing? Tech writing?
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Sanguine




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 26 2015, 10:29 am
I also feel sorry that you're so miserable here but now you really have a bigger problem. Your kids are no longer 2-9 like they were when you moved here. They're 7-14. They're Israeli and will feel like fish out of water if you were to move them to America now. Besides that they will be far behind in English for their age, Israeli kids have very different values than American ones. My kids also speak Hebrew at the table, and me and DH are both American. Many times their teenage fast mumble is hard for me to follow in Hebrew too. But I'm so proud of how Israeli they are. The things that are important to them. So different than American values.

Many of our parents left Europe to give us kids a better life in America. They were always foreigners but they did it for their kids. I'll try but I'll never be a real Sabra. But there are enough of us immigrants here that we don't care. Sometimes Israelis are even impressed that we gave up Holy America for the Holy Land. And, just like the generation that left Europe to give their kids a better life, I am positive that I'm giving my kids a better life here in the really important stuff.

Yes, I'm the big Zionist who thinks everyone should live here so you may ignore me, but moving your kids to America would be harming them. I learn about Israeli life from my kids who are true Israelis. What do your kids say about moving back?
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November




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 26 2015, 10:36 am
Sending hugs
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rowo




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 26 2015, 10:37 am
Maybe see if you could connect with some women here and arrange to meet up?
You said you can't afford to take the family to America but would you be able to save up for one ticket for you to go?
Sometimes a recharge is helpful
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November




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 26 2015, 10:42 am
I like the idea of you going by yourself to visit your family and friends in the states.
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Sanguine




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 26 2015, 10:54 am
I do too. You'll have a great time and miss everyone even more when you have to leave, but I think you'll also see why you ever moved your family here and why it was the right move
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amother
Wheat


 

Post Sun, Apr 26 2015, 12:00 pm
We live in the US. My ds, who won English awards in school, went to black-hat yeshivas post-HS, started talking mumbling that dreadful yeshivish patois that consists of Yiddish and Aramaic phrases loosely strung on thin English thread, and has to stop and think how to say things in English. I can't help because I don't speak yeshivish. I have a very hard time understanding him and am constantly saying "speak English!" The point being, OP, that a language barrier between kids and parents can exist anywhere, even if both generations grew up in the same country.In fact, even if the kids speak only English, their teenage slang can be a foreign language to their parents. It's semi-deliberate, teens enjoying having a common language with other teens that shuts adults out. When they grow up and enter a profession, this morphs into "professional jargon" which binds together people in their field and shuts out anyone who isn't.
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