Adult son with ADHD

amother

Pink

Sun, Apr 26 2015, 10:26 am

Our DS was diagnosed with ADHD at age 6. He started Ritalin & it was magic.
This was back in the days of short acting 4 hour pills & he needed another pill at lunch time or he'd be totally crazy in school.
This worked well till he hit adolescence & by then long acting ritalin was available but he refused to take most days.
When he went off to Yeshiva Ketana he refused all together & the real fun started.
He was thrown out or asked not to return from one yeshiva to the next. Somehow he scrambled though to Yeshiva Gedola where he slept all day & stayed up all night.
I must add that he's very bright & can learn.
We lived in this dreamland that he wasn't too bad & just had trouble with Seder & when he gets married he will face his responsibilities & support a family.
Wrong .
Through a miracle he married an amazing girl & after the chassuna they stayed in her city where he went to kollel- except that he rarely turned up.
After a few months he quit & said he's looking for work but he refused to look at started jobs or do a course to get qualifications (which we where happy to pay for).
Then DIL had a baby & they could no longer afford their rent. They moved in with the mechutanim.
Now DS wants to move back to our city. Says there's more oportunity bla,bla , bla.
Wants to move in with us. We said no.
Get a job & rent your own place & do a course.
DH doesn't want them here. He says they sucked our mechutan dry & will now proceed to do the same to us.
I feel that if they're close by I can convince him to get help & start ritalin again . Help keep their marriage together.
Our other kids insist that he's not going to change & we should accept it & stop trying.
There's now a wife & baby in the picture.
My son is totally unemployable without Ritalin . He cannot sit still. Gets into arguments. Can get drunk at s kiddush & start arguments.
When they come for Yom Tov its a nightmare. He won't so much as lift a finger. Goes to Shul an hour late & walks out a half hour early.
So having him live close is going to be very hard. He will demand money to pay their bills & DH will blame me for putting us in this situation. Then DS will start having temper tantrums & screaming (he has a temper too).
How can I set appropriate boundaries?
Get DS help. Keep their & mine sholom bayis ?

amother

Khaki

Sun, Apr 26 2015, 3:52 pm

I'm married to a man with add and its terrible. I wish my inlaws caught it earlier and he would have been diagnosed before we were married. I feel for ur dil and baby. She must be suffering tremendously. By not getting him the help he needs ur only contributing to his failure. Why not set them up with an apt for x amount of months outside of ur home and get him in with the proper doctors who can prescribe medication so he can get a job and start earning $ to become self sufficient. , it also sounds like u would highly benefit from therapy for what it's like to deal with a son with adhd

amother

Royalblue

Sun, Apr 26 2015, 4:12 pm

I could have written your story, OP, about my younger brother. We too as a family were kind of in denial of the severity of his ADHD. He was always the "cute" kid, the "clown", though he'd leave cheder early and ride buses all day. Yes, he somehow married. He had 2 children and divorced. He wanted to work but decided he needed to be a "manager". My father literally opened a store for him to manage, made him manager business cards, but he would show up late and walk off frequently leaving the store unattended.
Today, it's very very very hard on my parents. They are raising my brother's 2 children and will be legally adopting them soon. They are paying for an apartment for my brother to live in. They paid for him to get a particular certification but they were doing all of his homework and papers. I wish there was more support out there for parents of adult children with ADHD.

FranticFrummie

Sun, Apr 26 2015, 4:25 pm

OP, I'm so sorry you're dealing with that, it sounds extremely hard. Hug

All I can say, is good for you for sticking to your boundaries. The only thing that will change your son's mind is having to deal with reality, no matter how unpleasant. I feel very bad for his wife and child, but you can't rescue everybody. You have to think of your own shalom bayis first. As a mother you've done everything you can. Your son is an adult now, and he knows what he needs to do. He has to "man up" on his own.

Hug

FranticFrummie

Sun, Apr 26 2015, 4:28 pm

PS: I know exactly what I'm talking about. My brother has ADHD, and at 34 years old, he is still living with my elderly father, along with his girlfriend and two kids. My dad is raising the kids, while my brother and girlfriend sleep all day and hang out watching TV all night. They eat everything in the house and don't contribute a penny. My dad works full time at a deli to support them, long after he should be retired and puttering in the garden.

amother

Pink

Sun, Apr 26 2015, 5:18 pm

This is OP.
I'd love to set him up with therapy & meds. I have been begging him to start & get his life under control.
DIL knew about ADHD before they married. But he insisted that he grew out of it - he believes that . He refuses medication & therapy. He claims the meds dull his creativness & drive & only I his mom needs therapy & that we his parents just have something against him.
DH doesn't really talk to him. Although he covertly gives our mechutan money to help with the couples expenses.
I really would love therapy for myself but I have no time for the luxury of crying on someones shoulder - I need to work to pay the bills. Make chassunas & run a home.
My DIL is the sweetest girl & she's still supportive of DS...

imasinger

Sun, Apr 26 2015, 6:34 pm

OP, I so feel for you!

Can you set up a contract with DS that he can only live at home or nearby with some support as long as he agrees to meds, sessions with an ADHD coach, and job or college training? Oh, and maybe responsibilities at the house and/or rent.

If he wants your help, he has to agree to your conditions.

I am scared that my 20 year old DS with ADHD could end up in a similar quandary. B"H, he is happy to take his meds, is starting college courses (because we told him we won't continue to finance yeshiva otherwise), and will not be allowed to begin shidduchim unless there is a clear and realistic plan, and a fallback plan.

But until I see him standing on his own feet, I continue to daven very, very hard.

Lady Bug

Sun, Apr 26 2015, 8:03 pm

I agree with your husband. Do not let him move in and leech you, let him struggle and figure out his life on his own. If you want to help the situation and his marriage, pay for therapy for your daughter in law. (I would say for your son, but you posted that he doesn't want therapy).

You see, the misconception about ADHD is that it is cured by meds. It's not. Meds are a great tool to get the person in a place to he true proper help so they can learn to manage their lives. Your ds needs major help, not just meds. I feel for your ddil, and at this point in your son's life, she's the one who takes the brunt of his anger (abuse?) and irresponsibility and she needs to learn to set boundaries for both of their good.

Therapy for yourself is a great idea. It won't just be a shoulder to cry on. For that you call a friend. It will help you learn tools.to deal with your son and will help you identify weaknesses in you that contributed to this situation.

amother

Pink

Sun, Apr 26 2015, 8:39 pm

imasinger wrote:

We've made contracts in the past. He doesn't hold up his end of the deal.
With therapy we can force if he's nearby.
With work or schooling he just won't turn up!

amother

Pink

Sun, Apr 26 2015, 8:51 pm

imasinger wrote:

What if he knows he will lose his ability to live in your home or nearby?

And if he has never been on meds as an adult, how do you know he will tank on work or school or counseling if he is taking them?

He won't live with us. But if he doesn't work he can't pay rent. He knows that we won't let them be thrown out.
So what will be consequences? Nothing.
When he took ritalin as a teen he could learn etc...

amother

Pink

Sun, Apr 26 2015, 9:07 pm

imasinger wrote:

Maybe he needs some tough love.

Why should he bother taking responsibility if he can come crying to you every time and get bailed out?

Maybe it would be helpful for the two of you to do a little of the counseling together.

Done that when he was a teen. I won't do it again. His problems aren't mine.
I have no time for that.
My issue is setting boundaries & how to do our best for our DIL.

seeker

Sun, Apr 26 2015, 10:11 pm

Why can't he get evicted? If that's what it will take to smack him in the face then go for it. Some people won't learn otherwise. I know small families who have slept in their car for a few days. It surely wasn't fun but that's the hard knocks of life when you're responsible for yourself. Out on the street with a very upset wife and baby might convince him to grow up a little.

Does DIL know that he needs medication? Because that could be important. At least then she'll know what to ask for. If she's telling him to grow up, get a job, be responsible, etc, he can go on making excuses or delays and she might never know why. But if she can direct all her pressure towards getting him back on meds which you already know have been helpful, maybe that will be more successful. Also consider looking into Dr. Amen's ADD types - his book explains why certain types of people with ADD dislike/resist medication and may do better with different combinations of meds.

amother

Pink

Sun, Apr 26 2015, 10:26 pm

seeker wrote:

One of the reasons I want them to move here is so I can speak to DIL about all this.
I'll look into that book.
I could let them be evicted (which I warned them I will ) but then I'll loose my DIL's love & I really need her on board to help him. Also why does she deserve this?

seeker

Sun, Apr 26 2015, 10:35 pm

You said "he knows we won't let them be thrown out." In other words, he knows he doesn't really need to take responsibility. He is being an overgrown baby and you are enabling it by playing his game. Poor DIL does not "deserve" this, just as most of us don't "deserve" our tzaros in life, but by being married to him this problem belongs to them together now. I wouldn't blame her for not loving you much but it won't be because you didn't host your son's family - it'll be because you didn't warn her, let your DS get married when he had no tools to be an adult. Anyway, back to point, if he gets evicted and she decides to go back to her parents or friend or someone who will take her but not him, that will teach him something too. She may or may not end up sleeping on the street. But be aware that if you keep picking up the pieces for DS then he will expect you to continue doing so beyond your capabilities. He will have no problem running you into the ground. Yes, a therapist might help you learn to draw the line better than any of us can. But line must be drawn.