What kind of nanny would you rather have?

amother

Honeydew

Mon, Apr 27 2015, 7:50 pm

amother wrote:

Whoa!! That's not even minimum wage ! Disgusting!

I'm not sure you understand. This arrangemeny includes room and food, which is equivalent to about $50 more per day. This is standard in my area.
OP, do not let others bully you, you're doing fine.

amother

Goldenrod

Mon, Apr 27 2015, 8:00 pm

amother wrote:

I'm not sure you understand. This arrangemeny includes room and food, which is equivalent to about $50 more per day. This is standard in my area.
OP, do not let others bully you, you're doing fine.

Room is for op's benefit.nanny has where to live when she is not there

amother

Gold

Mon, Apr 27 2015, 8:05 pm

Above poster - she has a place to live but she wanted to be a live in when she came to me for a job she did not want to live in her place and commute daily for a job. Again people are posting as if I am forcing this on her! She chose to be a live in here its not her being forced to do this!!!

amother

Ivory

Mon, Apr 27 2015, 8:08 pm

amother wrote:

Room is for op's benefit.nanny has where to live when she is not there

Lovely thought, but apparently not the law. See http://www.avvo.com/legal-answ......html

Quote:

Employers are allowed to deduct the reasonable cost of food and lodging that he or she provides for the worker and which the worker voluntarily accepts, even if the deductions mean that her cash wages are less than the minimum wage. 29 USC § 203(m). The employer may make deductions only if there is a written agreement. However, there are limits to the employer’s right to deduct from wages, such as:

• Employers are not allowed to force the worker to accept food or lodging in lieu of wages. 29 CFR § 531.30.

• Employers cannot charge the worker more than the actual cost of what is provided to her. 29 CFR § 531.3(a).

• Employers are not allowed to deduct the cost of anything that is primarily for the employer’s own benefit, such as safety equipment, tools, or uniforms. 29 CFR § 531.3(d).

• Employers cannot deduct the cost of housing that violates health or safety regulations. 29 CFR § 531.31.

• Employers cannot deduct more than usual just because the worker worked overtime. 29 CFR 531.37(a).

• Employers cannot deduct money from a worker’s wages to cover the cost of a uniform required by the employer. 29 CFR § 531.3(d)(1-2).

amother

Goldenrod

Mon, Apr 27 2015, 8:12 pm

I only commented on your going rate which technically and legally are low. Otherwise you are right and nothing is wrong with what your doing. I'm sorry if you thought I meant anything else.

Lani22

Mon, Apr 27 2015, 9:49 pm

Op I think your complaints are totally valid. If your kids are out of the house all day your nanny should be doing all the housekeeping. Everyone is saying how crazy it is to expect that from her but I dont see why. Im a sahm when my kids r in school I do all the housekeeping and all the before and after school care.... why cant she?? Please move on and find someone who is willing to do so. Fyi my former nanny is in her 50's and has incredible energy, and was very loving towards my children. Sometimes you have to go through a few nannies untill you find the right one but when you do your life will improve dramatically.

notshanarishona

Tue, Apr 28 2015, 2:51 am

Y not hire a full time housekeeper and you do the mothering??

Sadie

Tue, Apr 28 2015, 6:19 am

Lani22 wrote:

Im a sahm when my kids r in school I do all the housekeeping and all the before and after school care.... why cant she??

You don't see a difference between a mother taking care of her own home and family, and a paid worker doing so?
If you want one person to do 12+ hours of work per day make sure you are following all laws about breaks and overtime pay. But it's better to divide a workday that long between two people.

amother

Gold

Tue, Apr 28 2015, 9:09 am

I think what a lot of you are not realizing is she is not full time cleaning and full time mothering. As I said I am a SAHM so while Lani's point was that she does it all as a stay at home mom why cant my nanny - well she doesnt because I do a lot here as well so roles are split she's not taking over the mother role. She takes over the cleaning role and then helps with the kids too.
Yesterday: 2 kids home mid afternooon I whisk them off to park so she can finish housework. Come home to get older one off bus and head right to kitchen with all 3. Make dinner and feed them. She doesn't enter the kitchen.. My back was in serious pain after (I am 9 months pregnant) so after they eat I sit down. She was sitting in the backyard then and called to them to come out to play. I realize my son was heading out with her without a sweatshirt and it's at most 60 degrees so I stop them and make sure he has proper attire and they all go out to play. (That's something I wish she would have thought of.....hence a more nurturing nanny may have realized that?)
They play and then come in and she does baths. I pack backpacks and lay out clothes for next day. They play inside now where I am and she does dishes I used to make their dinner and goes up for the night and DH and I put the kids to bed.
This morning I was brushing my teeth, DH had given them their cereals and come up when babysitter came down and I kept hearing my youngest screaming she sounded so upset I ran to see what was going on.
My sitter said my oldest spilled all the cereal all over the table on purpose. My oldest denied it. She ran upstairs upset. It was just a whole to do and I said I wasnt there so I didnt see what happened but my sitter said "Whatever they make a mess and I clean it" in an attitude type way. My oldest told me my son spilled the cereal and he was laughing so she laughed too but she didn't do it. I told her not to laugh that spilling cereal is not funny and making messes isn't funny and I punished my son for misbehaving. My youngest who had been screaming wanted milk I do not know why my sitter was not answering her all that time - she was wailing on top of her lungs!
I feel like my sitter is upset at me right now but I didn't side against her I just wanted the facts. My oldest is my best behaved and very sensitive and I feel bad she felt like she was being accused of something she didn't do. In all the commotion I didn't realize she went to her room for 10 minutes and hadn't even finished her breakfast. Once I settled her she came back to eating.

Raisin

Tue, Apr 28 2015, 9:21 am

I really think you will be happier with a different nanny. She sounds more stressful than anything. Like a sulky teenage sibling.

imasinger

Tue, Apr 28 2015, 11:35 am

I agree with Raisin. Can you get someone new in place before your due date?

While some of your expectations of a nanny might not be in keeping with my own thoughts on the matter, this one clearly is unhappy and not great for your family.

amother

Gold

Wed, Apr 29 2015, 4:58 pm

Op here and just one further vent Bc I need to get off my chest.
Yesterday at 345 my 4 yr old took a choc muffin from bread drawer I was running to pick up another and I said don't let her eat that now she will never take dinner. and then today I was leaving to get one at a play date and I come home to see a cookie remnant in garbage I said did one of the kids have a cookie just now she said yes I said why it's 430....she said I can't stop it he doesn't listen to me.
She has positives too but this upsets me Bc when I have the baby Gd willing what is gonna happen in the house?

Fox

Wed, Apr 29 2015, 5:07 pm

Whether it's a matter of age, burnout, of just not liking the new dynamic as your baby got older, this nanny is obviously not working out for you.

There's no need to be cruel -- you can say your circumstances are changing and give her plenty of notice to locate other employment. Clearly she's not happy, but inertia is getting the better of her. Do both of you a favor and end the relationship nicely with a severence gift and a good reference.

amother

Gold

Wed, Apr 29 2015, 5:11 pm

Yes. I guess I just think logically wouldn't she know not to allow a child to have sweets at dinner time. My kids are stubborn but I take it away if they don't listen. It's not so hard to take away. They may cry but better they cry and eat dinner than have junk at dinner time. Wouldn't she know this as a mom herself and a caretaker of little kids?
You are right though I cannot see her quitting. I doubt she would easily find another job even with a good reference from me.

Fox

Wed, Apr 29 2015, 5:19 pm

amother wrote:

My kids are stubborn but I take it away if they don't listen. It's not so hard to take away. They may cry but better they cry and eat dinner than have junk at dinner time. Wouldn't she know this as a mom herself and a caretaker of little kids?

She's tired and fed up and her only priority is to keep the kids quiet and out of her hair. She has no koach to deal with their tantrums or your questions about why they're throwing said tantrums.

As for her future employment prospects, that's not really your concern. People are far more resilient than you might think, and it sounds like this woman might do an excellent job as a baby nurse or something similar where she wouldn't be physically taxed too much.

Give her plenty of notice; give her a nice monetary parting gift; give her a nice reference letter . . . and say goodbye before the two of you are at each others' throats!

imasinger

Wed, Apr 29 2015, 6:12 pm

Fox is right.

wannagrow

Mon, May 04 2015, 6:50 pm

Hello,
Coming from a mother of a few children Baruch Hashem and many yrs of nannies as I've gone through school/ internship/ work:

Firstly- hale to you. No need to justify your having full time help. It is your effort at shalom bayis, being a calmer happier more available mother and will hopefully support u in bringing more neshamos into the world iyH.

Secondly, as this must be a time of higher anxiety as u r due to give birth soon and would really like to have things in order as much as possible. So hiring a new nanny is kinda not the best option right now. You need to have a serious conversation with her. Before u do, go I to a quiet room imagine yourself a large beUtiful tall mountain portraying strength. Then daven to Hashem that she should take u seriously submit herself to u and heed to your words. Tell her that now that another baby is coming there will need to be a few changes :

A. U need her to take a more motherly role with the children and not wait to constantly be directed by u.

B. when She sees that you are taking care of the kids or they are out she needs to be busy with housework. Make a list for her of daily/ weekly/ monthly chores.

Regarding hrs. My live ins usually work from 7-8 with an hr break in between an of course time for 3 meals.

Remeber that they are desparate for work. U r the boss. U need to be nice but firm. Give it u ntil a few weeks postpartum. If u see the changes are inadequate and I have the emotional and physical strength please look for someone new. Now remember it's much harder to teach an old dog new tricks so she may give attitude or not be so receptive and that's kind of understanding as she was almost "spoiled." If that's the case and u end up hiring someone new make sirebu r up front right away! Make lists make the job seem demanding and it should be. You r the one who should be able to take it easy not the other way around!

Much hatzlacha. May you have an easy uncomplicated speedy birth to a beautiful healthy child and quick recovery. Remember to ask hAhsem for help.

Mama Bear

Mon, May 04 2015, 7:39 pm

Ok, here's my two cents.

I have a similar but different situation that you have.
I have a home health aide from the city to help out with my special needs son, as it is too difficult for us to do it all ourselves.
Technically, her job is to handle his mealtime, bathtime, bedtime, safety, clean his living areas, and do his food shopping.

Now what happens with these aides is that most of them are pretty much worthless. Many of them are lazy, sitting around with their phones and not doing their jobs. Then there are others who LOVE to clean but aren't good with children. Then again you have some who are great at both - cleaning and childcare - but they keep telling you, the parent, what to do, and can be emotionally manipulative. Some of them go so to the 'letter of the law' and refuse to do a thing that isnt in their job description, which is understandable but frustrating (such as, will only wash the special need's child dish, peel only one potato, etc.). Bottom line is, it's extremely difficult to find the right person. Some people soft-abuse the system by expecting them to be cleaning ladies, or nannies/housekeepers like you describe. Some people are EXTREMELY lucky to find the perfect blend of warmth, flexibility, and work ethic.

So my first aide would clean and clean and clean and clean non stop but would never look at my child. I appreciated the cleaning help, but I had cleaning help three times a week and rather needed someone to care for my child. She lasted a few weeks and left on her own.

My second one seemed to be a perfect fit at first: She loved my son and was very devoted, and cleaned up his room, the bathroom after his bath, washed his bottles and swept the floor, took him to the park - everything I needed. But as is wont to happen, after a couple of months she started getting lazy. She sat around on her phone *all.the.time*, I had to keep prompting her to do what she needed to do. She stopped taking him to the park, would show up an hour later than her start time (bc my son was out with com hab girls)., and leave the second he was in bed. If I ever needed her for extra hours, forget it. She had all kinds of excused for not showing up if I needed her at differnet times than her schedule (such as, yomtov morning instead of evening). Then... she started getting emotionally abusive. I was 8 months pregnant and she yelled at me for sitting around. She refused to clean up his room or the kitchen, asking me sharply what I was planning to do once I had the baby and my son would continue making a mess. she often said snarkily, "You want me to do your job! You're the mom! I'm not here to do *your* job!" and would turn back to her phone. It was awful. But I was so scared to fire her; I didnt want her to take revenge on me by filing false charges or anything.

So I did the cowardly thing: My son went away to summer camp for 6 weeks, so the case was put on hold, and when he came back home, I told the director of the agency the whole story and begged him to find someone more suitable. He took care of notifying the aide that we werent taking her back, and he found me someone *amazing*. A young, 19 yr old girl. She was submissive, obedient, and *loved* my kids. It took her a while to warm up, but soon she was in love with my baby too. She was extremely flexible, and in those early months of new motherhood she was there for me all the time - yomim tovim, legal holidays, every time my son had a day off from school. She helped me take him to doctors. She babysat my son and my baby if I had to go somewhere on Friday nights. She played with them. True devotion.

The only issue? She didn't clean. A thing. Never. Ever. The more hours my special needs son stayed home (we finally realized how hard it was to find rotations of com hab and respite people and just relied on her instead), the messier my house became. And she never, ever lifted a finger. Even things in her job description. But because she did so many amazing other things for me, and because she was so RESPECTFUL, I was willing to let it slide.

She's been with us for almost 2 years now. In a way, she's a lifesaver. In a way, she's an eyesore.

Why? Bc she sits around on her phone ALL DAY. ALL DAY. Her earphone is always in... she's watching something, she's talking to someone. Forget about never cleaning, she's becoming so much more detached from her job duties that I have to remind her constantly to watch the kids, to go after my son, to do this, and that, etc etc. It can drive you crazy, on a Shabbos when you wanna sit down and eat the seudah and she's sitting there splayed out on the couch absorbed in her phone. The second my husband walks through the door she assumes she's off the hook and retreats into her own world. It's getting worse and worse every day. She's basically sitting here from 3 to 8 pm and doing actual work for maybe 1 or 2 hours.

So why do I keep her? Bc good help is so hard to find. She is respectful. She is reliable. She shows up when I need her - she works all kind of extra hours that arent even in her contract. When she does do her job, she does it well. She absolutely *loves* my kids. I just cannot fire her, we are too emotionally attached. But she is just not doing her job!!!

One of the ways I deal with it is by telling myself that she is not my cleaning help and I cant expect her to clean. but when she's out sick and I get a substitute and theyre incredible - they clean the place, sit with my son the whole entire time, and do their job perfectly, I think to myself, "Why am I keeping her???" But I know the answer. Every new aide will be fabulous for a month, or two, or six, and then become lazy and burnt out - they all do. This is a very hard job to keep doing, day after day after day. I, the mother, am burnt out!!!

So I'm in the same boat as you... I really can't fire my help but I can do so much better. The little perks about her are too big to give up. I'm scared of change, scared of having a new person here who'll give me the stink eye over the state of the house or my style of parenting. So I'm stuck in a rut.

The only real piece of adivce I can give you, which I wish I could take for myself, is that you have to be VERY VERY CLEAR WITH HER what you expect of her. You might have to nag her like a teenage girl and remind her constantly what she needs to do. or - sit down with her one day and clearly communicate with her what you expect of her and ask her if she's okay with that. If not, it might be time to get someone new.

Btw - my aide gets $9+ an hour (minus taxes) but I pay her $12/hr cash when she's overtime (especially on shabbos & yomtov). I also give her some cash bonuses here or there. And we give her LOTS of breaks. On a typical shabbos when she's here from 9;30 am to 8 pm, she's basically off the hook from when my husband comes home at 1 pm until my son comes back from the volunteer girls at 4:30 pm, and then again from 6-7 pm when my hsuband takes care of supper/bedtime. After 7 she's just here to be our 'shabbos goya' to turn off his light and turn on his music etc. Yes those are HUGE breaks but as I said I cant expect her to be 'on' like a mother is. Even on a weeknight when she does 3-8 pm we have a com hab girl or autism trainer etc here for about an hour, when she can take a break. But she is extremely lazy and hardly even works. But I'm still keeping her bc I'm afraid of change and there are things she does that I know not every would do (like babysit).

The bottom line is that I feel for you and am in a similar boat. But in y our case since youre *clearly* not getting what you need I definitely think it's time for you to get someone new.

Good luck!!!