Sister marrying out

PinkFridge

Tue, Apr 28 2015, 5:43 am

DrMom wrote:

Yes, I agree with this. I was simply responding to chani's remarks.

I agree that discussing endogamy at this point is completely pointless for the OP.

Yes, and I was just reinforcing your thoughts. I guess I should have snipped a poster who was advocating it and simply said, I'm with DrMom.

princessleah

Tue, Apr 28 2015, 7:37 am

This is a situation where OP came from a family that was not observant, and changed. And while she has seen the light, and it may hurt that the sister is marrying out, why expect her and the rest of the family to be at the same level as OP? This isn't the case where it's a FFB family and one kid went off and stopped being frum.

OP is the one who changed, who is different than the rest of the family. You can't change and expect everyone to immediately get with your program. OP needs to be the one who is accommodating here, because she is the one that is different.

PinkFridge

Tue, Apr 28 2015, 7:50 am

princessleah wrote:

Very true. And while OP can get some insights from other people's experiences, she needs IRL hadracha to determine how accommodating she can be for this particular event.

CPenzias

Tue, Apr 28 2015, 9:34 am

You're close and speak a few times a week yet she's choosing to get married on shabbos when it's the most difficult day for you to come? Sounds a bit inconsiderate if you ask new.

nechamashifra

Tue, Apr 28 2015, 10:06 am

Quote:

I am trying to make an effort to come to her wedding because I don't want to cause any tension between us,

hugs to you op. why are you taking all the responsibility for the tension that may come between you? If it were important to your sister to have you at the wedding, she would have made sure to have it on a day that you can attend. In your shoes, I think I would say "I can't believe I won't be able to attend your wedding - are you sure you can't make it on any other day? It would break my heart not to be there". If she can't change the date, it is what it is. Being close to someone doesn't mean one person not making too much of an effort, while the other has to bend backwards into a pretzel Confused

nechamashifra

Tue, Apr 28 2015, 10:12 am

Quote:

While I agree with this to a certain extent, op is not asking for anything too much out of the ordinary here - she is just unable to attend one day of the week. If someone in my family was allergic to strawberries, and I choose to have my wedding at a strawberry farm, I would have to respect the fact that they might not be able to attend...

balabusta

Tue, Apr 28 2015, 12:35 pm

One of my sons married a [gentile] and knew I wouldn't go. He didn't even tell me they got married until weeks later. I haven't met her yet; they live out of state. I'll be very friendly, but a wedding of any Jew to a [gentile]....I'd never go. Especially on shabbes. Hashem is more important than trying to make someone feel good who is doing an aveiro. You could go to the reception motzei shabbes if necessary, but it's not even a valid marriage, al pi halachah. So why go?

amother

Seafoam

Tue, Apr 28 2015, 1:54 pm

Why worry about risking your relationship-she has to understand that as much as you love and care for her you can't support what she's doing-marrying out- Saturday shouldn't at all be the issue

PinkFridge

Tue, Apr 28 2015, 1:54 pm

CPenzias wrote:

You're close and speak a few times a week yet she's choosing to get married on shabbos when it's the most difficult day for you to come? Sounds a bit inconsiderate if you ask new.

Someone mentioned upthread that this isn't a case of OTD. People who don't know from Shabbos imagine all sorts of loopholes that don't exist.

Sadie

Tue, Apr 28 2015, 1:59 pm

PinkFridge wrote:

Someone mentioned upthread that this isn't a case of OTD. People who don't know from Shabbos imagine all sorts of loopholes that don't exist.

Totally true. We spent Pesach at my ILs and my parents drove to the seder.
There was a mixup and my husband's sister wanted the room we were assigned. When I walked my parents to the car I was teary because it was 1:00am and I didn't know where I was going to sleep. My mom knows that you can drive in emergencies and she asked if this was one of the times I would be allowed to use a car (to go sleep at their place). She didn't realize I'd have to sleep in a bathtub rather than get in a car!

CPenzias

Tue, Apr 28 2015, 2:38 pm

Even my non jewish colleagues know about shabbos. They know they I can't use the phone etc. If you want to know, you make it your business to know. The op said she speaks to her sister a few times a week. I'm sure shabbos came up.
My bil also married out and we were sad but you know what? He got married on a Sunday and the wedding was 100% kosher. And his non jewish inlaws paid for it. There's a classy and considerate way to go about this and getting married on a shabbos certainly isn't it.

PinkFridge

Tue, Apr 28 2015, 2:46 pm

CPenzias wrote:

I would have thought like you did, but as people have said here, it's not so simple. Yeah, they know we can't use a phone but they also know that in case of emergency we can. They may know about the concept of Shabbos [gentile] and wonder why we can't just have a non-Jew open the car doors and drive us. That kind of stuff. I really wouldn't read anything negative into their choosing Shabbos. Especially since Jews choose to marry each other on Shabbos, unaware of all the ramifications.

CPenzias

Tue, Apr 28 2015, 4:18 pm

I guess So. It just doesn't sit well with me. A wedding is not an emergency. Trust me, I've been dealing with this kind of young for over 12 years as my iin laws (cousins) aren't frum

CPenzias

Tue, Apr 28 2015, 4:20 pm

I didn't mean to say "trust me" what I meant by that was that I'm speaking from some experience. Not just out of the blue. I have felt insulted many times and gave missed many simchas that were lb shabbos. I know a sibling is different. This must be really difficult for the op Sad

I wish I had better advice

animeme

Tue, Apr 28 2015, 4:29 pm

They often consider people's feelings to be a strong enough reason, and figure we would say the same. If you think about it, we often do, regarding anything that has some give. The idea of going to the wedding at all reflects that.

But understandably, unless it's specifically explained, they will not understand why some things can be flexible and others can't. This is made even harder when there are differing opinions among frum people.

balabusta

Thu, Apr 30 2015, 2:04 pm

Sequoia, Yes, if/when there are grandchildren I'll be a loving grandma, but nebech...it's painful. I will even try to be mekarev the wife as it's my only hope to have Jewish grandchildren.

vintagebknyc

Thu, Apr 30 2015, 8:01 pm

balabusta wrote:

why should he tell you he got married, you called his wife a g*y and showed him no respect?

Notsobusy

Thu, Apr 30 2015, 8:28 pm

vintagebknyc wrote:

why should he tell you he got married, you called his wife a g*y and showed him no respect?

Most people I know do not consider the word g*y to be disrespectful. It is just a Yiddish word for non-Jew. Until I came on Imamother I had no clue anyone had any problem with the word.