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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Preschoolers
Quiet boy needs a therapist?!



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amother
Azure


 

Post Fri, May 01 2015, 10:12 am
Sorry if I sound annoyed (right now I'm a bit irritated)....

I can't find my previous post, but a few months ago, my child's preschool teacher gave me a business card of a therapist to evaluate my boy. I just took the card and considered calling, but first I've decided to ask his pediatrician. The pediatrician told me I could wait a few more months and ask the teacher if he has improved. This is his first year in school (3 year old program) and he speaks 3 languages at home. He has been at home with me before, so being with kids by himself was new to him.

Anyway, today the teacher asked me (after months) about that business card of the therapist she gave me. I told her that the doctor told me to wait a little bit. It's been months now and all she said is that he's "quiet" but she wasn't specific enough. I did ask her if he plays with the kids and she said he does. I just don't get it. All I heard from both teachers at the school is that he's quiet...so why is that a bad thing?! I was also very quiet at school and I turned out alright after all.

I'm just curious, but do all preschools recommend therapist' evaluations these days (in NYC)?? It just seems sometimes so ridiculous at such a young age! Although, I understand some children really need some sort of speech or sensory therapy.

Just FYI, but my son goes to a private preschool that's located in a house with only 12 kids in a class. I like the fact that it's a small group for his 1st year at school. The teachers are Israelis (except one) and don't have a teaching certificate, but I believe have been teaching there for awhile. So sometimes I feel like this particular teacher isn't an "expert" enough to tell me that my son needs to be evaluated.

I really want my son to continue another year at this preschool because he actually got used to it and he already knows the kids. But now I'm having second thoughts and wondering if other schools (with certified teachers) would tell me to find a therapist for my son.
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bcimhappy




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 01 2015, 10:45 am
What kind of therapy is she suggesting? If its something like special education then now is great time for him to have assistance in that area. I know its hars to be told our kids are not doing well, but try not to get insulted bc in the end of the day it could only help him. I work in a preschool and theres a girl who is very quiet, to the point that if someone hurts her ahe doesn't tell anyone... this is hard as a morah because how could we help if she cant ask??
I do think she'll grow out of it but I also think therapy can help her grow out of it.
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amother
Azure


 

Post Fri, May 01 2015, 10:53 am
bcimhappy wrote:
What kind of therapy is she suggesting? If its something like special education then now is great time for him to have assistance in that area. I know its hars to be told our kids are not doing well, but try not to get insulted bc in the end of the day it could only help him. I work in a preschool and theres a girl who is very quiet, to the point that if someone hurts her ahe doesn't tell anyone... this is hard as a morah because how could we help if she cant ask??
I do think she'll grow out of it but I also think therapy can help her grow out of it.


I'm not sure what kind of therapy, she just mentioned for him to be evaluated first. Most likely it's not special education. She said he does do all the things they request him to do. He plays with kids. I saw him in action during his birthday party and chanukka party at the school. I did notice that he was moving his lips for the songs, but not singing it loudly like some of the other kids and I think he's just shy. He was doing everything what they asked him to do (like holding hands and dancing in the circle with the kids) and he answers the teacher's questions. So what's wrong with just being quiet?!
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Fox




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 01 2015, 11:11 am
When you have a hammer, everything looks like a nail!

First, Jewish communities resisted therapy for virtually anything, and now, we ardently pathologize anything we can see a therapist to correct.

The key here is that the teacher hasn't presented you with a specific description of the behaviors or lack thereof that she finds concerning. That, to me, is a major red flag.

Without knowing the problem, what kind of evaluation would you seek? What kind of therapist treats "quietness"?

Am I the only one who finds it a bit odd that the teacher is handing out the business card of this therapist? There's nothing wrong with giving a referral if asked, but combined with the lack of detail in her description of the problem, it almost sounds like the teacher is drumming up business for the therapist.

It's possible your son could benefit from some type of therapy, and it's just as likely that he doesn't need any intervention.

Ask the teacher to put her observations in writing and ask your doctor or someone else with knowledge of appropriate 3-year-old behaviors to advise you as to whether an evaluation and/or therapy is warranted.
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Bruria




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 01 2015, 11:33 am
If the teachers did not notice anything else, just that he is a quiet, well behaved boy, why take him to a therapist?
People are different, if they (or you) don't suspect any type of delay, why waste your time and money?
I feel like people are never satisfied, either a child is too noisy , or the child is too quiet!
If they have no specific concerns just chill. So far by what you said he seems to be simply a quiet and calm boy. Nothing wrong with that at all!
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amother
Azure


 

Post Fri, May 01 2015, 11:43 am
Fox wrote:


Ask the teacher to put her observations in writing and ask your doctor or someone else with knowledge of appropriate 3-year-old behaviors to advise you as to whether an evaluation and/or therapy is warranted.


OP here
That's a good idea. Also, everytime I go to the school, she doesn't mention anything, unless I ask. So today my boy was "Abba Shabbat" so I asked her how he behaved and that's when she mentioned the therapist again. But I couldn't really have a normal conversation with her (she was interrupted by other moms sometimes). It's just annoying that she's not as "professional" enough to actually tell me one day she wants to talk to me about my son.... I always have to be the one asking the questions and I don't really get clear answers.

I also agree that it's a little bit strange that she kept on asking about that business card as if she's helping a friend of hers to get more clients (even though I'm not sure she actually knows this person).
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miami85




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 01 2015, 1:39 pm
I don't know you, but I am a professional with children and learning difficulties, as well as a parent of a child with language issues, can I ask some questions? Does she know that your son speaks 3 languages at home? Are you from Israel? Was your son born here or there? I ask b/c when children are new to a country or even if they are just exposed to multiple languages it's quite common for them to have a "quiet period" where they are learning to acclimate to the languages of the new country or just simply trying to process which language is appropriate in which setting.

2ndly, when you go to a therapist for an evaluation you need to bring the "reason for referral" otherwise it's like going to the doctore and saying "I hurt"--uh where? Part of a preschool evaluation is a behavioral observation in the classroom, so being able to tell the therapist what the teacher's concerns are is necessary, so it can't hurt to ask the teacher what her concerns are, and classroom notes of how often and the circumstances in which her concerns occur. That's just being prudent, not nosy.

Hatzlacha
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amother
Azure


 

Post Fri, May 01 2015, 2:25 pm
miami85 wrote:
I don't know you, but I am a professional with children and learning difficulties, as well as a parent of a child with language issues, can I ask some questions? Does she know that your son speaks 3 languages at home? Are you from Israel? Was your son born here or there? I ask b/c when children are new to a country or even if they are just exposed to multiple languages it's quite common for them to have a "quiet period" where they are learning to acclimate to the languages of the new country or just simply trying to process which language is appropriate in which setting.

2ndly, when you go to a therapist for an evaluation you need to bring the "reason for referral" otherwise it's like going to the doctore and saying "I hurt"--uh where? Part of a preschool evaluation is a behavioral observation in the classroom, so being able to tell the therapist what the teacher's concerns are is necessary, so it can't hurt to ask the teacher what her concerns are, and classroom notes of how often and the circumstances in which her concerns occur. That's just being prudent, not nosy.

Hatzlacha


I don't know if she remembers that he speaks 3 languages. She's Israeli as well so she speaks to him in hebrew and english since she knows I speak to him in hebrew. But I'm not sure if she remembers that he speaks another language with my husband.

My son was born in the US but I was born in Israel.

Also, this is his first year at school. Prior to that, he used to stay at home with me and wasn't really surrounded with a group of kids by himself.

I was thinking I should call the teacher one day and ask her to write down the reasons why she thinks he needs to be evaluated. It's not like I'm ignoring her concerns, but I just felt annoyed how she tells me he's quiet and doesn't really give me more reasons why he needs to be evaluated. Also, she only tells me this whenever I ask her. She doesn't actually tell me to sit down with her one day and give me explanations as to why he needs an evaluation, so I can't take her seriously.
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miami85




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 01 2015, 2:31 pm
You have every right as a parent to take her advice with a grain of salt--as ultimately you know your child best.

If she continues to bug you, then you CAN have him evaluated free of charge by the Board of Ed. They can find out if there is something to worry about, if not, minimal harm done. A CPSE eval is fairly painless to the child and at that age is perceived games and puzzles and many agencies come to your child (though your child is tri-lingual it gets a little more complicated, but still doable). And if there is truly nothing wrong, then you tell the teacher--nothing is wrong.

What's the 3rd language?

Also, while "quietness" is not a "delay" per se, sometimes if combined with certain behaviors or lack of initiation it CAN be indicative of something. However if he's an otherwise happy-go-lucky kid at home and plays with other kids, then there's nothing to really worry about.
One more thing is that some times if a child has been through something traumatic they become quiet, but that would benefit from some play therapy, but that's usually implies a sudden change in temperament.
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solo




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 01 2015, 3:11 pm
it does sound odd that the only issue ur sons teacher mentioned is him being shy. But I would take her concerns seriously. she is a teacher for several yrs and has cared for lots of children his age. Perhaps she is uncomfortable or worried bout hurting ur feelings. Can u try calling her in the evening to talk about her concerns? Either way an evaluation can't hurt. And u don't hafta use the therapist she recommended. R u in ny? There are so many agencies that do this. And u don't have to have a very specific concern. They will send down the therapists to evaluate him, and let u know if there are issues that can be dealt with. I think it is much easier to address any issues while ur son is small.
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baltimoremom




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 01 2015, 4:00 pm
I am responding bc my son is almost 4 and last year he was super quiet in school. He played with all the kids but the teacher reported that he would not talk to her.. At home he talks non stop and he plays and talks with kids on the playground. I did not do anything but encourage the teacher to make him talk when it was important like do u need to go the bathroom yes or no. He didn't sing loud at school performances but he enjoyed. This year he's used to the day care it's a diff teacher but mostly same kids. He talks to the teacher and he kids and finally at his last performance he actually sang.
I think kids need time to warm up and it will take longer if made into an issue. My sons teacher made it an issue last year and it made things worse.
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amother
Azure


 

Post Mon, May 04 2015, 10:59 am
Ok, so I ended up calling his teacher and asked for more details. She thinks he has a social problem. So in the beginning I just heard her say "quiet" then that's annoying now she's telling me it's something more than that and I have to call to find out! But anyway, she said that he's a good boy and listens to the teachers etc. She said when he's in groups, he doesn't really talk to the kids, he interacts with them more physically than verbally (but doesn't hit anyone). I told her it could be a language thing because he hears 3 languages at home, but she doesn't think so (and she's not the expert). So does he still need an evaluation? maybe I should do it just in case. But hopefully he'll be better with his social skills with kids. I told her that it's his first year and he hasn't been with group of kids before.
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Fox




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 04 2015, 11:12 am
amother wrote:
Ok, so I ended up calling his teacher and asked for more details. She thinks he has a social problem. So in the beginning I just heard her say "quiet" then that's annoying now she's telling me it's something more than that and I have to call to find out! But anyway, she said that he's a good boy and listens to the teachers etc. She said when he's in groups, he doesn't really talk to the kids, he interacts with them more physically than verbally (but doesn't hit anyone). I told her it could be a language thing because he hears 3 languages at home, but she doesn't think so (and she's not the expert). So does he still need an evaluation? maybe I should do it just in case. But hopefully he'll be better with his social skills with kids. I told her that it's his first year and he hasn't been with group of kids before.


I'm still not hearing the kind of detailed observations that an educator should be prepared to provide in such a case.

This is not just a matter of convincing you -- any competent therapist is going to want specific, detailed observations. A "social problem" is not an observation, nor is "quiet." Even her observations of his behavior in groups need to be far more specific. So far, this teacher is doing the equivalent of shmoozing on Imamother about the situation -- she hasn't done any real work.

I'd ask her to put her specific observations in writing and then check with your doctor or another child development professional before pursuing expensive and possibly needless evaluation.
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amother
Azure


 

Post Mon, May 04 2015, 11:32 am
Fox wrote:
I'm still not hearing the kind of detailed observations that an educator should be prepared to provide in such a case.

This is not just a matter of convincing you -- any competent therapist is going to want specific, detailed observations. A "social problem" is not an observation, nor is "quiet." Even her observations of his behavior in groups need to be far more specific. So far, this teacher is doing the equivalent of shmoozing on Imamother about the situation -- she hasn't done any real work.

I'd ask her to put her specific observations in writing and then check with your doctor or another child development professional before pursuing expensive and possibly needless evaluation.


OP here

I actually asked her if she could do this in writing and her response was that she's not an expert and won't write anything until after an evaluation if needed after that! That was another weird response. It's obvious that she's not a professional. I actually heard complaints from other parents that she's not good with communication and I've noticed that. I don't like to talk badly about others, but I'm not happy with this teacher. The problem is that I don't want to send my son to another school next year because he got used to this one and likes it (even though he'll have a different teacher, my younger son will have this teacher next year).
She said that it's hard for her to explain and that it's better to see how he interacts with kids in groups.
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Fox




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 04 2015, 11:50 am
So here's what I would do:

Tell her that you've consulted your doctor, and he feels that it is worthwhile to wait until next fall. At that time, you'll make arrangements for a formal evaluation if there are still observable issues.

Waiting until next fall to get the opinion of another teacher is unlikely to make any genuine issues worse, and it's entirely possible that his new teacher will either feel differently *or* that he will be more outgoing on his own.

While it's obviously not wise to simply discount negative information about a child, I don't think this teacher is really giving you a professional recommendation -- she's just giving her cursory impressions. That's much, much different from a serious, supported recommendation.
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Notsobusy




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 04 2015, 12:20 pm
My kids are all quiet in school, so were myself and my husband. Every PTA I go to I hear that __________ is pretty quiet, I would love if ________ would participate more. Every time I explain that we're all on the quiet side and as long as my kids have friends and seem happy and are doing well in school, I'm not concerned.

One dd's nursery teacher also tried having me evaluate her, even though I explained all that. This dd had friends in the neighborhood, talked plenty at home and was happy to go to school each day. If she would have been unhappy then I would have been concerned. The teacher bothered me all year, but I just ignored her. It's a few years later and she's still quiet, but has friends and is generally happy.

I think because it's your oldest, it's harder for you to see if this is normal or not. If your son is happy and talks at home, I think leave him alone, he'll be just fine.
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hannah22




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 04 2015, 1:22 pm
I would take him out of that school and away from this teacher. She sounds crazy. Leave the poor boy alone!!!
he doesn't need therapy he's a perfectly innocent kid just leave him be. Yeah he's quiet, and? Someone else is loud so what? Everyone is created by Hashem the way they are. He has friends, so everything is fine. He answers to questions when he is asked.
He is just on the shy side. Nothing wrong with that. He will grow out of it. And there is nothing wrong with being shy. My mother is incredibly shy, and people love her she is beautiful and caring and kind. But I have seen her in social situations where I can't believe how shy she is!
I think the school is crazy to be suggesting there is something wrong with your son and prescribing all this treatment for him while at the same tine creating some record of therapy in his name. Take him out of the school. That's my advice.
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