Does anyone else feel alone?

silentmother

Sun, May 10 2015, 12:24 am

[b][I]
Hi,
Im pretty young and have been feeling very lonely lately.
I am married and have kids. I have neighbors and many friends and still feel very alone.
I grew up in a very very yeshivish home where my father is someone who is very respected by many.
I am very frum on the outside and put on an amazing show but inside im empty..zero belief...zero connection to judiasm. I feel like we are in a cult and brainwashed beyond recognition! I dont know why I ever do things related to yiddishkeit and thats if I ever even do things like that. My husband understands me completely and sometimes struggles with the same feelings.
I wanted to know if there is anyone who feels like me? or am I alone...

causemommysaid

Sun, May 10 2015, 12:44 am

No you are not alone.

Many people feel the way you do but most don't talk about it in real life. They just put on a happy face and pretend life is great.

I just want to make you aware of how lucky it is that you have a husband who can commiserate with those feelings.

Many women are married to guys who can't understand these feelings at all. Now that is beyond lonely.

naturalmom5

Sun, May 10 2015, 2:45 am

You don't feel like you are in a cult. YOU ARE IN A CULT....
I'm always amazed and surprised there arent droves of women making a mass exodus from Lakewood.
As a BT , I went to a Chabad seminary. We were taught its about getting close to Hashem through learning Torah and chasidus.
Im very disillusioned today, as I see all the women I work with lead very shallow secular lives. Their Judaism is all about what you're cooking and what youre wearing..

Iymnok

Sun, May 10 2015, 2:55 am

You grew up without building your yiddishkeit up yourself. It was handed to you as this is it.
Try starting over as a baalas teshuva would. Keep doing the things you're doing, but only pay close attention to the details of the area you are learning and working on now. It may be easier in an out of town place where you actually have to define who you are. In the middle of a large frum area you are just one of them, therefore you walk the walk and talk the talk. But it's just an act in order to fit in.
There is so much beauty and depth to every part of torah and yiddishkeit, but it could be passed over so easily when stumbling through life. We all have to learn to walk purposefully and confidently to achieve the most out of life.

chani8

Sun, May 10 2015, 4:26 am

Start with basic emunah. Does G-d exist?
Don't be afraid to question.
Write down all the questions about G-d that you can think of.
Write down the pros and cons to believing, and to not believing.
Ultimately, believing in G-d is your choice.

imasinger

Sun, May 10 2015, 7:06 am

I believe that sooner or later, every thinking person has to face this.

Growing up Reform, the term I learned for a ger/giyores was "Jew by Choice." But really, we all are Jews by choice.

Some people believe intensely at one point, and lose it later. Others come to believe after a questioning period, possibly with the help of a mentor and/or some further study. (A lot of questions can come when childhood images are not replaced with more sophisticated and nuancd views).

Some walk away. Some go through the motions cynically. Some go through the motions with a "just in case" mentality. Some learn what bothers them the most, and what leniencies they can use to minimize resentments, and then value the rest. Some change communities.

And it may happen that an answer that fits at one point in life may be less comfortable at another.

I wish there was no such a stigma in some communities about talking about these things. They are human nature.

No, you are most certainly not alone.

thankyou

Sun, May 10 2015, 9:38 am

I agree that every deep thinker gets to this point at some time. I think you need to view Judaism as marriage- there are good time and hard times and you have to stay committed and work on the connections with your spouse / hashem. Obviously theres always the option of divorce but that's last resort.
You don't say much about yourself so it's hard to help you. What are you struggling with exactly? Do you believe in Judaism as a life style? Would you have wanted to be not religious? Do you like learning? If we give you some ideas, some books to read, would you be interested? Do you like intellectual books or emotional?
I wish you luck. Feeling lonely is hard.

silentmother

Sun, May 10 2015, 9:52 am

Thank you so much for everyone's support and words of wisdom, it means a lot!!!
But I was wondering if anyone here feels the same themselves..maybe if you can pm me im looking to talk to someone feeling the same way or similar...
I know that im not completely alone and that there are many people feeling this way...I just want to hear from an actual someone who feels this way..

imorethanamother

Sun, May 10 2015, 1:56 pm

I think everyone has struggled with emunah at one time or another. For years I felt the same way you have. What changed for me is that I had something very difficult happen to me, that is still ongoing. I think when you're dealing with something difficult that no one can really help you with - not your parents, not even your spouse - you realize you're all alone and something tends to shift.

As other posters have said, this world that we live in is so false. We're all so materialistic, but I really think that there are thinking people out there who aren't interested in fashion and cooking and jewelry, you just have to find them. But that's a choice - seeking people who will help bring you to a point you want to be.

I'd be happy to talk to you anytime about feeling lonely. But there are plenty of books of people who went off the derech who felt as you do - adrift. Right now you are faced with a choice: Do you want to find God? To be closer to God? Or are you looking for validation to leave? Do you want someone to tell you that it's okay to feel Judaism is empty? That's your first choice. Often, we seek out people who will tell us what we want to hear. What is it YOU want to hear?

No judgements. I don't live your life. I think it's important to recognize, though, that we do have choices about what we want to hear.

miri15

Sun, May 10 2015, 4:04 pm

I've struggled with loneliness all my life. Although I had much support somehow I always felt alone. I also come from a prestigious family, was popular, and have many friends. I used to think that I'm crazy. Everyone told me that I'm ungrateful. Even my therapists gave up on me. That hurt a lot.

Then I met a new therapist who understood. Told me that loneliness is not a response but an inner feeling. A feeling that stems not from alienation of outside but inner conflict regarding the self. That's a personal loneliness because the most important support person is one's self and if one is conflicted then they feel alone. Finally, I understood that loneliness is not about others but rather about myself.

The opening statement that he made was "you are not alone yet you so are".

Dear OP, I know that you'll understand that statement.

pelle

Sun, May 10 2015, 10:55 pm

[quote="miri" Told me that loneliness is not a response but an inner feeling. A feeling that stems not from alienation of outside but inner conflict regarding the self. That's a personal loneliness because the most important support person is one's self and if one is conflicted then they feel alone. Finally, I understood that loneliness is not about others but rather about myself.

The opening statement that he made was "you are not alone yet you so are".

Dear OP, I know that you'll understand that statement.[/quote]

That is so interesting. Thank you for sharing that! That is really a fascinating way to look at feelings of isolation.

myself

Mon, May 11 2015, 6:11 am

naturalmom5 wrote:

I believe that for most people Judaism is not just about what they're cooking and wearing. It is what they discuss though, so they come across that way.

You cannot see people's internal struggles/thoughts on their face. Especially since philosophical discussions are not the 'done' thing. You'll be surprised how many people are thinking the same things, just not discussing them.