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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children
My son is so upset!



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amother
Salmon


 

Post Mon, May 11 2015, 9:10 pm
This morning, my 6 year old who is in grade 1 refused to go to school. It took a long time for me to get him to speak about what the issue was. Eventually, he related that he is falling behind in a few areas in his class. There is a booklet that was just given out to do with the parsha and he cannot follow it at all. He has no idea what is going on and he looks around at other kids who all seem to know exactly what to do. He said that he couldn't fill out anything on his page and everyone else seemed to find it so easy. He then said that he's also having trouble with his writing booklet - that he can't write some of the letters so he's been skipping some pages. He told me that he just wants to give up and never try again.

First, I told him about how I also had trouble in some areas in school, but then I got some extra help and was able to catch up to the rest of the class. He actually didn't believe me at first and then he said that he didn't care - he still won't try again. I tried to explain that I don't care how well he does relative to the rest of the class - I just want him to do the best that he can do and NOT give up just because something is tricky. He responded, "too late - I already gave up and I'll never try again". I tried so many different techniques of getting him calm and ready to go to school. Nothing seemed to get him to relax.

He definitely didn't sleep well the night before, so I'm sure that was a factor too, but this is still very unusual for him. He's a very bright kid. At PTA a month ago, his rebbe told me that my son is at the top of the class in chumash and that he's one of those kids that just "gets it". He's average for reading and writing skills.

He's always been a perfectionist who gives up very easily if he's not good at something. For the past 3 years or so, the message we are trying to give him every day is "keep on trying!". We always say how proud we are of him for trying when something is difficult for him (he had trouble learning how to ride a bike, but he eventually got it. He had trouble with math, but he made huge progress, etc).

Just a little bit ago, he came out of his room saying that he can't sleep. I asked him if he was thinking about that booklet again and he said yes. I just don't know what to do! What do I say to him? He really does not want me to talk to his rebbe about it. I think he doesn't want to disappoint anyone (especially his rebbe). His rebbe has called him a talmud chachim in front of the class many times because, as I mentioned, he's a kid who "gets it" and often knows what's going on when others are lost. I will speak to the rebbe anyway. I think it's important to let him know what's going on. But I also need to figure out what to say to my son.

If anyone has any suggestions, I'd really like to hear it. I feel so horrible about this. My kid is so sensitive and I feel like I'm just saying all the wrong things all the time. How do I get him to feel better about himself? I totally don't care how he does in school. I just want him to be happy and feel good about himself.
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OutATowner




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 11 2015, 9:30 pm
As a teacher I can tell you that it is very easy to overlook the kids who "get it" because we expect them to be doing fine. I can also tell you that it is VERY important to be on top of them regardless.
He doesn't want to change the impression his rebbe has of him. He wants to live up to certain expectations that were set for him. This is not healthy.
Please call the rebbe and explain the a situation to him. He needs to help your son without making him feel like a failure for needing help.
Hatzlacha! You sound like a great mother!
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morah




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 11 2015, 9:30 pm
Stop emphasizing to him how smart he is. Obviously praise him and all, but keep it varied and don't just go on and on about how he's been blessed with brains. It's fairly common for kids who have a natural talent for something (and not just academics, this holds for sports, art, music etc) when adults keep emphasizing howbthey are a natural at that one thing, their entire identity gets bound up in their talent and they freak out the minute they hit a challenge. After all, if I'm naturally smart, I must always get it. If I'm not getting something, I'm not as smart as everyone thinks. If I'm not as smart as everyone thinks, I'm going to be exposed as a fraud and the world will implode. This is the thought process. I think its time to tone down the smartness talk and make sure he knows he's more than the sum of his brains. in addition to telling him to keep trying, let him know that even smart people sometimes struggle and it doesn't mean he's stupid or that all the prior praise was undeserved. Talk to the rebbe about this also and get him on board.
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amother
Salmon


 

Post Mon, May 11 2015, 9:52 pm
Thank you, OutATowner. Morah, I never emphasize how smart he is. I'm adamantly opposed to such talk. His rebbe has called him a talmid chachum - not me. I always tell him not to give up when something is difficult for him. Today, when I told him about challenges I had as a kid, after at first not believing me, he then said that he just didn't care because he doesn't want to try anymore.

I actually just got off the phone with the rebbe. Quite frankly, I think his rebbe does not get it. But in the end, he agreed to mention to the class that he doesn't care if everyone finishes the booklets and that they're allowed to skip pages if they are finding it too difficult and that he thinks everyone is wonderful, etc. He also said to me that lots of kids aren't able to keep up because this is a very tricky booklet right now. My son may think that he's the only one having trouble, but it's really half the class at least (I didn't want to question why he'd give such a difficult booklet to a bunch of 6 and 7 year olds, but I do wonder about its benefits). I hope that he and the assistant will now pay closer attention to my son and help him out more if need be.

That said, I still feel like I need to discuss this more with my son. How do I teach him to keep trying? How do I teach him that it doesn't matter if he's not good at something? He refuses to even try playing sports because he's not good at that. I try to teach him, but if he doesn't get it right away, then he won't try again. It drives me nuts!
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