Did husband ever ask you about who you dated before him?

amother

Lemon

Sun, May 10 2015, 11:51 pm

Did you ever have this conversation with your husband? My husband keeps on asling me if I ever seriously dated someone before him and I did but the man broke up with me and I was very devastated for a very long time and I don't want my husband to know that I want him to feel as if he was always the only one.

MagentaYenta

Mon, May 11 2015, 12:06 am

Sure it's no big deal. But you may want to think about your own willingness to keep a secret throughout your marriage. Are you sure there are others who are willing to keep your secret too? (Family friends etc.)

shabbatiscoming

Mon, May 11 2015, 1:06 am

Of course. My husband and I always talk about the bad (or good) dates and relationships we had before we found each other.
Why ever not? Like the poster above me, I find it very telling that you feel that you cant or wont share that with your husband.

amother

Cerise

Mon, May 11 2015, 3:14 am

No, he hasn't. It's like opening a can of worms. I remember someone posted on here a few months ago that she kept bothering her husband about his intimacy before their marriage (if I remember correctly). He finally told her, and it wasn't what she wanted to hear.

These things are better left unsaid. My husband knows almost everything about me, but he doesn't the things (from my past - nothing major, just like past (non-intimate) relationships before I became frum) that would bother him if he knew. And I have never asked him about his, because I know it would hurt me if I did know.

Even though of course you don't want to lie or hide anything from your spouse, if the truth is going to come between you in the end (I.e., he wants to know, but then he's going to be constantly thinking about this relationship of yours and what could have been, etc), then it's not worth it.

Sadie

Mon, May 11 2015, 4:48 am

We don't talk about it and I think it's for the best. I have much much more experience than my husband and to his credit he is not insecure or jealous about it at all. If I'm telling a story and it involves an ex, I don't contort myself to avoid mentioning them, but I don't give any gory details either.

amother

Periwinkle

Mon, May 11 2015, 7:10 am

Sure we talked about it and it sometimes comes up and we talk about it casually. BTW I dated someone and almost got engaged to him, before meeting DH. He knows all about it and he's fine with it.

I don't like secrets in my marriage. not knowing about the past doesn't make the past disappear.

You don't need to go into major details like if you loved him maybe you don't need to say it this way, you can say you had some feelings for that other guy but nothign compared to what you feel towards DH- this way you tell hm the truth, there are no barriers between the two of you but DH would still feel good with himself.

chatz

Mon, May 11 2015, 8:16 am

If he would ask me, I would tell him, and vice versa.

But I've never asked, and he's never asked. I don't believe it's a productive discussion and I also respect the privacy of the people we've both dated. I wouldn't feel comfortable being the topic of discussion of some other couple.

In your case, your husband had asked you multiple times. That's a completely different story.

blushy

Mon, May 11 2015, 10:09 am

Yes, we discussed our dating history really early on, we were still engaged, not even married yet. We were really young, and neither of us had gotten very far with any of our previous dates, and dh especially had some really funny stories, so it was a very lighthearted discussion. I guess if either of us would've had more of a complicated history it would've been different, but I'll never know. We both ended up knowing each other's previous dates, which was funny, since we're from different countries.
The funniest thing that happened to me was when I was married about six months, we were flying to visit family, and who was seated right in our row, next to dh? The guy I dated right before meeting dh! Poor dude was turning colors, he was so uncomfortable, eventually he asked to have his seat changed. (He dumped ME, btw, so I didn't have that much pity on him!) It was so awkward and hilarious, if I hadn't told dh about him beforehand he wouldn't have known what was going on!

mommyla

Mon, May 11 2015, 12:40 pm

Yeah, we talk about it all the time. He actually dated someone who I went to seminary with, so that was funny, and he casually knows one of the guys that I dated (and we've both run into that guy again, together and separately). No big deal. Unless you are still hung up on one of your previous dates, I don't see why you can't talk about it.

Liebs

Mon, May 11 2015, 4:12 pm

This thread got me thinking if I even remember all the guys I dated and I don't!
I just sat with DH and made a list. He remembered more of the guys names than I did so I guess when I was first married told him about it.
I am going crazy missing one guy from the list....can't figure out who it was...
One guy I almost got engaged to, at first DH got nervous when I spoke about it because he felt threatened that I still like him. But now 15 years later he's gotten over it!

b from nj

Mon, May 11 2015, 5:10 pm

We shared all that info long ago.

I personally felt it was important for me to share my history & also for me to know his dating/relationship history as well.

As it turned out, he went out on a few dates with some of my friends/acquaintances. No biggie really b/c it's not as though they were really involved or serious with each other.

chani8

Tue, May 12 2015, 4:43 am

zaq wrote:

He would never ask, and I don't ask him about his past, either. Discussing previous dates is pretty crass.

This.

Not nice conversation, if you ask me. What good will come from it?

Volunteer

Tue, May 12 2015, 5:24 am

Yes, we both talk about it. Now it's something we can laugh about, as we've both had some pretty terrible dates. We both also had a past relationship, so we're in the same position too. Once you feel,secure in your marriage there's little reason to hide anything. I think we learn a lot from each relationship we have, and each person we meet was meant to enter our lives as part of God' s special plan for us.

amother

Slateblue

Tue, May 12 2015, 8:58 am

No, he never cared. I don't remember anyway Rolling Eyes

. I never really knew their names anyway. I think he went out with three or four girls before me and I know the last one because her and her sister were our matchmaker (not shadchan (I know they mean the same thing) because they got someone else to do it). We joke that he made her into a lesbian shock

, but she became one many years later.