Telling people they are "good mothers" because....

amother

Denim

Tue, May 12 2015, 1:23 pm

I'm going to post a pet peeve of mine even though I'm sure some will accuse me of being nitpicky but I see it in posts all the time. Statements like "congratulations, you are obviously such an amazing mother since your child (fill in the blank) told you about a problem with friends, knew not to do xyz, is so polite, etc."

I hear this very frequently from others about my younger dc who (bh!!!) is easy going, bright, friendly, helpful. It's because I'm an amazing mom! Well, my older dc has struggled with anxiety, depression and extreme behavioral issues. So it's because I'm a terrible mom? When my older dc was struggling so terribly, believe me, the implications were there. My neighbor who is short tempered and often unavailable to her children had no such issues with her kids who just kinda did what they were supposed to... Was she a better mom?

I really know it's meant well. Of course it is. But I'm not sure it's the best way to offer a compliment. Compliment the child perhaps... I just don't think comments on the quality of anyone's mothering is the best way to go.

L25

Tue, May 12 2015, 1:31 pm

I hear what you are saying with regards to the situations you gave. sometimes you see a mother who is "handling" stuff well and you think wow her children are lucky to have such a patient, insightful... fill in the blanks mother and yes then I think the mother should be complimented Smile

amother

Bronze

Tue, May 12 2015, 8:14 pm

A friend who works in a school once told me that when she sees kids behaving badly, she chalks it up to normal kid behavior - it comes naturally to them. But when she sees a well-mannered kid or one with good middos, she attributes that success to good parenting. So if it makes you feel any better, not everyone blames you for your kid's shortcomings!

Anon because I've told this to lots of friends...

amother

Emerald

Wed, May 13 2015, 5:10 pm

All compliments cheerfully accepted without criticism. When people compliment my children, I modestly claim that all credit goes to their grandmother, who was a baalat chessed, and also davened for good grandchildren.

amother

Magenta

Wed, Apr 13 2016, 10:07 am

It is only Hashem who has the right to truly give credit, or blame, to a parent for a child's behavior.
A child is not a finished product. He is still a work in progress, even an older child. It takes many grueling years of painstaking chinuch and prayer, combined with the nuances of a child's personality, outside influences, and Hashem's will, to determine how a child turns out.
As an aside, some children are just easier to raise than others. Sometimes it's the way the child was created and not due to anything the parents did.
My seven year old son has social anxiety and absolutely will not make a bracha, not even in a whisper, in the presence of other people (except sometimes me). His two older siblings have no such issues. One would see my son eating without a bracha and accuse me, his mother, of not teaching my son to make brachos. We are following our Rav's guidance which is not to force the issue, as it can backfire.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Apr 13 2016, 10:17 am

I agree with Magenta, it's all from Hashem.

I love it when people compliment my child, but I feel weird when they compliment me. I think DD is a much better person than I am, and she makes me look good! Hashem blessed me with a sweet and socially outgoing kiddo.

On the other hand, I know that I make good choices in my parenting style, and that I'm doing the best for her. I don't want credit for that though, because really, who wouldn't do the best for their kids? I don't want to be praised for that, because Hashem gives me the ability to be patient and understanding. (I know that, because it does not come to me naturally!)

As a side note regarding parents of special needs kids, being told "Wow, you're so brave. I could never do that." is NOT a welcome thing to hear. Praise the kid, tell the parent how cute they are, or relate something clever the kid did. Special needs parents want nachas from their kids, not to be told that they are heroic in some way.

And for the love of Pete, DON'T show pity! Mad

Saying "Oh, that must be so hard for you, you are so strong." does not help.

greenfire

Wed, Apr 13 2016, 10:22 am

I see this a lot with rebel - off the derech - kids ... they blame the parents until they themselves end up with one ... then you gotta wonder whom they place the blame on

yeah - life is weird like that - as are people