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I'm not fit to be a mother



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amother
Crimson


 

Post Tue, May 12 2015, 8:57 pm
It's slowly dawning on me. I'm really not.

I have 2 kids, ages 3 and 1. The older my oldest gets, the more I realize. I am terrible at this. I'm ok with the baby stage, nursing and cuddling and getting plenty of breaks with all those naps. Beyond that, I'm pretty clueless. I don't know how to play with my kids. I spend a ton of time online, just in an effort to escape the mindlessness of it all and my feelings of inadequacy. I don't know how to be a mom. I signed up for Dina Friedman's parenting classes, but will they help me enjoy playing legos and puzzles with my kids or is that something that has to come naturally?

Help.
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5mom




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 12 2015, 9:05 pm
Toddlers, cute as they may be, aren't great conversationalists. You sound isolated and under stimulated. That doesn't make you a bad mom at all. It just means that you need to take care of yourself.
Whether you work out of the house, arrange play dates with other mothers, or get involved in volunteer projects, find something to recharge your batteries. And really, it's ok to admit that you are bored playing Lego games. Do it anyway, though. Every job has its boring parts, but few are as rewarding as motherhood.
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amother
Coral


 

Post Tue, May 12 2015, 9:49 pm
U don't have to sit and play legos and klicks to be a good mom. Really. Not everyone is meant for that.

Whatever u do try to involve the kids. Ur cooking, let them help, talk to them. Laundry, my toddler helps put in and out of washer. Talk a lot to kids. Sing songs with them. Put on a kid cd. Thats great.

It's healthy for them they should play by themselves too. And not everything they play must be toys. The cheapest silliest things could be the best toys!! My boys play with the empty order boxes. Its a house, a car, or they hide in the box. Just let things flow naturally. It doesn't have to be official we're gonna play now....
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marina




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 12 2015, 10:49 pm
OMG toddler games are so boring. I played with them a little every day - maybe 10 minutes. Or whatever- I tried.

But this is very important: you must teach them and expect them to entertain themselves. It is not your job to make sure they aren't bored. Don't set yourself up.

And LOL- if you're not fit to be a mother b/c toddler games are boring, neither are 99.9% of the mothers on this planet.
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amother
Crimson


 

Post Wed, May 13 2015, 1:05 pm
But isn't it horribly neglectful that I'm online so much? Shouldn't I at least be...you know...INTERACTING with them?!

I just don't even know where to start.
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mha3484




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 13 2015, 1:23 pm
I have a 4.5 year old and 6 month old. I am not the best at getting on the floor with them so I get my son into whatever I am doing. He likes to hang out in the kitchen and help me with baking and cooking or I clean the bathroom and talk to him while he is playing in the tub. We go to a store together. I think he just wants to be with me the actual activity matters less.

Now that its the summer take everyone outside. Go on walks, to parks get a slurpee just be together don't stress about the actual activity and relax.
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Miri7




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 13 2015, 1:33 pm
Don't be so quick to judge yourself. The toddler age can be really trying, especially if you are at home with them and don't get a break to be with just adults for long stretches of time.

I know that I'm great with babies, love school age and older children, but, honestly, I find the preschool-toddler years to be the hardest for me. That's ok.

I would try to connect with other moms and make regular playdates out - at parks, children's museums, etc. Having regular time when you can chat with other moms while watching the kids play together can be a real boost.

I agree with the other posters that it's good to have the kids this age hang out with you while you cook, clean, etc. It's also good to have activities where they can entertain themselves for stretches of time. It teaches them independence and helps you stay sane.

You're not an unfit mother just because you find toddlers boring and/or slightly annoying. Try taking them to do things that you enjoy (walks, music class, etc) and that give you the chance to socialize with other mothers.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 13 2015, 1:35 pm
The most helpful way forward may lie between the sharp rocks of hating yourself, and the cliffs of turning awayaltogether.

If someone is not fit, then they need to begin exercising,but gently, not going out to run a marathon and hating themselves when they fail.

So, you might set yourself a plan of action to get in shape kid-attention wise. Maybe set a timer for 2 minutes in which you become a sports reporter, commenting on everything your child does for that brief time. "I see you are pulling the stroller. I wonder where it will go? Oh, over to the corner. Are you stuck? I can help you... All done? Want to pretend to make a cake?" Etc. You can gradually increase it to 10 minutes per day per kid.

That should be plenty.

Over a little time, you will both find out which things you like to do together.

And as they get both more interesting, and more independent, your life will change. And the older ones will play with the younger ones,so you won't feel as guilty that they are somehow being neglected.
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Dolly Welsh




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 13 2015, 2:54 pm
Gloriosky, mother any way you like doing it. Legos? Puzzles? What? I never used any of those and I am La Mom Suprema.

Oh dear.

Such a fuss about bits of plastic. Hug yourself immediately and don't worry.

Hang with your kids, touch them, caress their pretty hair, see if you can sing occasionally, and just plain lie on the floor.

This is not harder than lying on the floor. You can do that. Bring a pillow and a few children's books.

They will TEACH YOU how to be their mother, if you listen and pay attention. In that sense they DO TOO come with instructions.

Some of history's best mothers lived before plastic was even invented.

After Gas, Hunger, Fatique, and Sensory Overload, most of what kids yell about is not having anything to read. Give a kid a book and he or she will be serene again.

I'm the same. I always take a book to jury duty. It's just human. You can get arrested if you start screaming in a courthouse.

There, there.
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justforfun87




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 13 2015, 4:58 pm
Get those kids out of the house. Make playdates, library, park, anything! Playing with a toddler is really hard, I have difficulty with it as well. I always arrange for playdates because if I don't I just turn on a show.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 14 2015, 6:13 am
Much like "tummy time", I've discovered the obligation to sit on the floor on Imamother.
YOU. ARE. FINE.
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amother
Purple


 

Post Thu, May 14 2015, 7:57 am
I have a 4 yr old and 2 yr old. I play on the floor with them sometimes. Mostly they help me cook and bake. I watch them play outside and try my hardestto have a CD on.
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sourstix




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 14 2015, 8:11 am
I was just like you. word for word. please try to connect with a freind or family member that you like the way they deal with their kids and try to emulate. its a skill like all others. I am the middle child and a small family and no experience with young children hence the same prob. but dont despere there is so much to motherhood that can be learned and some pp just have it. I also went to work in a playgroup and I learned alot from the other morahs. there are ways for you to learn. dont give up dont feed yourself negativity. please for your sake and your children. hatzlacha hope this helps
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sourstix




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 14 2015, 8:17 am
just to add. in playgroup you see a lot of things that you probably dont want to do with your kids. but there is language that you pickup that is age appropriate. and you learn when to get engaged with the kids and when to let them lead you. some children dont know how to play on their own and some teach you. you go by what they show you. in playgroup its groups and its a professional setting. so there is sometimes a pressure of teaching depending on the type. so the a&c puts also pressure. but pick up the types of natures of children and how the teachers engage with them. obviously you need to see the good patient ones you can learn so much. and then decide on your own way. some playgroups have these experienced morah that are super patient and have dealt with so many issues. you can watch how they listen and receive info from the children. I loved that part and how they understood them. I really learned alot. and if you build a relationship with her she can give you lots and lots of ideas. hatzlach. there are so many in your situation. dont give up thats the key
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saw50st8




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 14 2015, 8:41 am
First, I play with my kids for them, not for me. Are you looking for ideas of things to do with your kids? If so, I like pinterest for finding arts and crafts and stuff to do with my kids. I like goal oriented activities for my own structure. I also like reading stories for the same reason.

I do think it's important to interact with your kids. Try doing 15 minute activities a few times a day. Build blocks and knock them down. Take a walk outside. Little bits of time to stimulate your kids.

I like my kids more as they get older. My 7 year old son is hysterical. He has a great sense of humor and we can talk and do real things. I find as they get older they are much more fun. The snuggles of the toddler eventually turn into a real relationship.

Most importantly - you are doing fine!
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Dolly Welsh




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 14 2015, 10:08 am
That class is really a good step. It shows you do have a big interest, and a good level of concern.

I am no one to talk, but yes, get your nose out of the screen more. The first law of life is your kids will imitate what they see and hear. Soon they may do that to you.

Do indeed just sit and hang with your kid. Your daydreaming skills should be greater. You should be able to have an internet in your mind, and not need the computer. You can do that, it's just remembering things you saw on the electronic internet, and musing about them. But because your nose is out of the screen, you are present and available.

Do just try to observe the fascinating mental progress of a learning child. You want a relationship with the kid and that comes from empathizing with his experiences at this age. You will have a vastly easier time later if you put in the time now. You want kids who care what you think. They will, if you do this now.

Think about "enlightened self-interest". As you will be sharing a kitchen and bathroom with this kid for two decades, and, you will care what happens to them more than they even care themselves, it is in your INTEREST to have them calm, rational and normal. Not virtue, interest.

You will be eating your own cooking.

But the class is a give-away you are an excellent mother!

NOBODY SINCE CHAVA HAS EVER KNOWN ANY MORE ABOUT IT THAN YOU DO.

And having five kids does not make anyone five times smarter than someone with one. It's in the person, not the number.

Only take parenting advice from people you want your kid to turn out like. Remember that, when you are offered parenting advice. "Do I want my kid to be like this person?"

Your confidence is much more important than your being right about something.

Children want to see confidence. The rest matters very little. You should feel SURE you are doing it right and you will be.

At the end of the day, in bed, review the day. Resolve to improve anything that needs improving, and re-set the dials back to zero. Start again fresh next day. Never, ever, carry over a balance from what you maybe shouldn't have done yesterday. Back to zero.

There is a dial labeled "patience" in your head. It looks like an old-fashioned gas meter on a car; it has a needle. At the left is "a little". Then comes "moderate" . Meaning, patience.

At times you will need to forcibly shove the needle all the way over to the right, to the last setting, which is "infinite". Just leave the needle there.

That means it's fine with you if you reach retirement age, and the kid is still getting that same shoe on.

You are now white-haired, and collecting social security, and that same shoe is still going on. Tell yourself that will be fine.

That "infinite" setting is very useful. Find it.
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amother
Taupe


 

Post Thu, May 14 2015, 10:21 am
Try to save the internet time for when they are sleeping. Find what you enjoy to do with them...taking a walk, baking, reading books, watching them in a park, etc. you should spend the time with them but you don't have to be doing Lego if you don't like it.
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