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Forum -> Working Women
Lied/Misled boss about pregnancy, now what?



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amother


 

Post Sun, Apr 29 2007, 2:30 am
Here's the story: I started a new job recently. I casually mentioned to my boss that we were going through IF treatments, with the tought that I'd be missing some work for doctors appointments and I wanted her to know the general reason why.

Well, the week after I told her this I found out I was pregnant BH. In the past few weeks I've missed a lot of work for pregnancy related doctors appointments. My boss was pretty upset when I told her I'd be out so much bc it's a very stressful time at work now. She asked me if everything was ok and I felt like I had to say something to justify my absence. Of course I don't want to tell her so early on that I'm pregnant, so I mentioned that the appointments were fertility related. (I purposly said "fertility" and not "infertility," but of course she thought that I meant infertility since I had told her when I first started work that we were struggling with IF.)

At the end of last week I broke down at work and ended up crying in my boss's office. She had been taking so much of her stress out on me and I just couldn't handle it any more. And to top it off, I feel SO sick right now: morning sickness, barely sleeping, throwing up at work on a regular basis, etc. The pressure from work plus the physical strain of the pregnancy just made me break down in her office.

She sat me down and, acknowleging that work it very stressful right now, also asked me very directly if everything in my "personal life" if ok. I wanted to be somewhat honest so she would realize that I wasn't crying just bc of my workload. That would be very emabrrasing and unprofessional. So again, I said "the fertility issues are just really taking a toll on me." She started comforting me, saying she understands, she went through the same thing, asking me about my specific treatments, etc. I just played along.

The minute I walked out of the office I realized I had gotten myself into such a mess. I imagine I'll start showing soon. What will my boss think?! (Also, unfortunately she has mentioned my IF problems to almost everyone else in the office so EVERYONE will be surprised.) All this time I stupidly used "fertility" (knowing that she would interpret that as "infertility") as an explanation for my absences and for my falling apart at work and inability to handle my workload. I'm sure she'll feel that I lied to her, misled her, used IF to get her to soften up to me and empathize, etc.

Obviously I'm not going to open up my mouth about it again. But in another two months, when I do tell her I'm pregnant, what do I say? I want to tell her the truth, I just don't know how stupid and dishonet it sounds: I'll tell her that when I first started working I WAS still getting IF treatments. Very soon after I found out I was pregnant and the beginning was SO difficult for me, effecting me physically and emotionally. Bc it's our minhag not to tell till 5 months, I couldn't let her know why I was falling apart at work. I purposely told her "fertility" instead of IF bc I DID NOT WANT TO LIE TO HER. But I realized after the fact that I had misled her and an SO, SO sorry.

What do you think? I don't think there's any better explanation that the truth. It's just that this is a new job and I feel like I already dug myself into such a deep hole.
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smiley:)




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 29 2007, 2:39 am
Well, I guess this could get you into a real pickle. I understand that generally you wouldnt tell till the 5th month but given that this could cause some real problems, could you write her a letter telling her you are really uncomfortable discussing it, but ...and then tell her the real story just like you told us - that it did start out as IF, after which you found out you were pregnant, and then specifically said fertility instead of IF to avoid this pickle, etc? You can tell her you really dont want anyone else in the offfice to know, but you also dont want to have hard feelings with her. You could explain between the stress of the pregnancy and of the job, you fell apart and couldnt think quickly enough of what to say to her. I think if you catch this situation early enough you could save yourself. But to keep it quiet for another 4 months and then spring it on her could cause some problems.
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shalhevet




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 29 2007, 3:01 am
I think what you did is understandable.

I think you should tell your boss a little before you start showing - for a first pregnancy it usually isn't so early unless you're very slim. Explain what you've explained to us - that you really did have IF issues when you got the job and that once you were pregnant you didn't want to tell so soon. I think even someone non-frum/ non-Jewish would understand that after IF you would want to keep the information private at the beginning.

B'sha'a Tova!
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mimivan




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 29 2007, 4:40 am
I don't know which Rav you are connected to, but at least I know from the Lubavitcher Rebbe's letters, that at least the Chabad minhag is not to PUBLICIZE it early on. I think telling your boss, and clearing the air now, is not publicizing it, especially if you make it clear that she should respect your confidence. You sound quite distraught about this, and I don't think you are going to be able to hold on another two months to give an explanation. I personally think you should clear the air now...
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 29 2007, 8:07 am
mimivan wrote:
I don't know which Rav you are connected to, but at least I know from the Lubavitcher Rebbe's letters, that at least the Chabad minhag is not to PUBLICIZE it early on. I think telling your boss, and clearing the air now, is not publicizing it, especially if you make it clear that she should respect your confidence. You sound quite distraught about this, and I don't think you are going to be able to hold on another two months to give an explanation. I personally think you should clear the air now...


I absolutely agree with mimivan ... you do not have to go and tell boss you lied but rather go to her in confidence and point out the brocha that you actually finally got pregnant and this is probably the reason you were so overly emotional hormones and all ... leave it at that ... she will understand and be happy for you ... and tell her it is of utmost importance that you keep it quiet for you would not like to share with anyone else till at least 5 mos ... good luck!!! and b'shaa tova
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Ima2NYM_LTR




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 29 2007, 8:52 am
I would like to mention that her telling the rest of the office something you had told her in conficence was totally unprofessional. She may have had good intentions, but please, after you straighten everything out with the primary understanding, mention to her that she shouldnt have done this.
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mimsy7420




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 29 2007, 10:19 am
You probably won't show for a while. So when you do tell her you are you expecting you can be vague as to how far along you actually are. And if she starts counting backwards to figure it out, thats her problem, not yours.
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healthymama




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 29 2007, 10:57 am
The main thing your boss cares about is the work. So get it together and then, in a couple of months, she won't even remember what you told her now. She just needs someone functional.
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