4 year old temper tantrums

amother

Bronze

Tue, May 19 2015, 5:16 pm

I have a 4 year old and at his preschool, he's a good boy. When he comes home, sometimes he gets these really annoying temper tantrums. I know all kids get that, but does it get any better? he's 4 and I'd think that as they get older, it would get better. I'm a bit concerned because when he has a temper tantrum, it could last for 30 minutes or more! I try to speak to him, I try to put him in a quiet room to calm down and now I just ignore him because nothing helps until he stops crying! His brother (2.5 years old) also sometimes has temper tantrums, but it doesn't last for so long and he knows how to stop on his own. What to do? I'm expecting a baby anytime soon and I won't be able to hear a 30 minutes (or more) temper tantrum..that would drive me crazy!

amother

Bronze

Tue, May 19 2015, 5:49 pm

I'm not sure. Just a few minutes ago, he got upset because I told him not to throw cars (he hit his brother by mistake) and then he kept on doing that so I told him that we won't buy him a toy jeep that he kept on asking if he'll continue throwing so then he got into his temper tantrum. But I continued talking to him and telling him that if he wants another new car, he shouldn't throw the toys because he could hit someone with it.. of course that didn't help so I just ignored his crying for a while and now he stopped.

amother

Linen

Tue, May 19 2015, 11:02 pm

Is he ok in general? Or is he a special needs child?
If he's going to throw toys, you tell him, "you are throwing toys, and you can hurt the baby"
Then continue and tell him, "if your going to throw toys and not be safe, then you are going to have to go into a safe place", and remove him.
Or, "if you throw toys, I will have to take it away"

And wtvr he does you follow thru with what you said, even if he throws a tantrum at the consenquenc.

FranticFrummie

Wed, May 20 2015, 12:05 am

This sounds normal to me, from the limited info you've posted.

DD was a delightful 2yo, a dream toddler. She was a bit challenging at 3yo because she's so smart, but once she hit 4, I wasn't sure either of us were going to live through it.

Oh. My. Gosh. She was a walking nightmare of hysteria and tantrums. I got to the point where I'd just look at her flailing on the floor, and say "Really? Is this how it's going to be? Fine, whatever." and walk away.

The number one way to survive is to be FIRM, CONSISTENT, AND FOLLOW THROUGH. I cannot emphasize that enough. He needs to know that you are in charge, and that your calm manner will be the anchor in his emotional storm. If you get upset, it will just scare him and make him even more hysterical.

When DD would tantrum, I'd emotionally disconnect and go into what I called "robot mode", where I could calmly say the same things to her a few times, and then just leave her to get it out of her system. She got lots of hugs and love when she could come back to me nicely, and then we'd talk about what was bothering her. You'd be surprised at some of the ridiculous things that can set a child off!

chani8

Wed, May 20 2015, 4:08 am

Why does this have to be about 'you'? He needs to tantrum. He needs to let off steam, to let out his feelings. Why does he have to stifle his needs for your sake? That's not fair. You're the mother, you deal with your feelings and let him have his.

How's that? lol. Seriously, why do we feel the need to shut our kids up?

amother

Linen

Wed, May 20 2015, 4:49 am

Cars ARE for driving, but you also want to make the child aware of what he is doing and his cause and effect. If you throw the car, you will hurt the baby, and if he continues this, you must follow thru and stop this. You can remove the baby, the child throwing it... Whatever you want. But by just saying cars are for driving, he may not see the problem over here.

chani8

Wed, May 20 2015, 5:18 am

amother wrote:

Having kids tantrum all day is not normal. We're not shutting up our child by wanting to help them not tantrum. There are proper ways to deal with it.

Tantrum 'all day'?? She said he comes home from school and has a melt down of a half hour. That is normal.

ETA - yes, there is a proper way to deal with it, which does not include punishing. Soothing him, perhaps. But it sounds like he needs to learn self soothing. Let him CIO. Stay with him if you can be compassionate. Otherwise, take care of your needs by getting away from him if you have to, while not hindering his need to fall apart.

chani8

Wed, May 20 2015, 5:23 am

amother wrote:

Threatening is a severe punishment. It causes fear, even terror. A simple, we don't throw cars because they could hurt someone, is good enough. If he keeps throwing cars, take them away. Simple cause effect. No further punishment needed. If he cries about it, that's a totally appropriate response. When G-d took away my cherry red Volvo, I felt like crying, too.

BTW- I even comfort when I 'punish' like taking a toy away. "Oh, you really wanted to play cars but you threw them so they got taken away."

amother

cornflower

Wed, May 20 2015, 2:27 pm

chani8 wrote:

I'm in Rbzn Spetner's class (she's a famous chinuch advisor and psychologist here in Israel) and she says exactly this. That parents make such a big mistake by trying to stop kids' tantrums or making them feel bad for having the tantrum. You are teaching your child not to express his emotions (and expressing their emotions as a tantrum is age-appropriate at 4), and then at 12 or 13 you wonder why the kid won't talk to you about issues or express his feelings. We all need to express our feelings on whatever level we're at. According to her, you should just leave him alone and let him let it all out.

If it's an escalation - which is where he does at least 2 "destructive" acts (like breaking toys or hitting someone), then she says to take the kid and wrap them in a huge bear hug, very tightly (but not too tight of course), hold them on your lap like that for however long it takes - until they calm down (can take half an hour).

I have a 4 year old and am also struggling with his tantrums and escalations and I have found this advice - particularly the bear hug, to be extremely effective.

Hatzlacha.

Dolly Welsh

Wed, May 20 2015, 2:41 pm

OK, I am four. My eye-hand coordination isn't so great. Especially AFTER school when I am, let's face it, tired. It's been a long day.

So I chuck stuff. It's there to do. What else am I going to do with it? Write a dissertation about it? I can't always be nice. I'm four. I'm tired. What brains I woke up with are tired. Do you know how much I learned today? My rate of learning would kill you.

When I throw and have a near-miss, I become, I am told, a terrible person, and in fact, it is pretty scary to know you could hurt or maybe kill someone, if you miss.

But as a little boy, I have to throw things, and I am guaranteed to miss sometimes.

Now what? I could kill somebody, and then what? Is this a death penalty state?

Excuse me, I have to be terrified right now. I don't know how to handle having almost killed my very own brother whom I basically rather like more or less.

Do you have any ideas? Gloriosky, I am fairly tired. I wish somebody would put me down for a nap. I can't do that for myself yet.

Or maybe they could not leave deadly metal objects around for me to throw. Don't they have any beanbags here? Nerf balls?

Waaa.

amother

Celeste

Wed, May 20 2015, 4:30 pm

Is it about wanting attention? Or expressing strong emotions / decompressing?

If it's about attention, at this age, I'd do as others said and NOT make a big deal but calmly take away the cars. THEN give him attention: Ok, would you like to sit in my lap and read a book? (Which is also a good distraction)

If it's about expressing emotions, he may or may not want you there to help him through it (every kid is different). Certainly, you can ignore him till he's calm, but if he wants you for comfort (after taking away the cars of course), you can hug him and sit quietly until he's calm. If he prefers to calm down without you, he'll let you know.

Last edited by amother on Sat, Dec 02 2023, 11:59 pm; edited 1 time in total

pink_nails

Tue, Jul 14 2015, 12:06 pm

I'm bumping up this topic. I have a 5 1/2 yr old that's tantruming since hes about a yr old. It definitely comes from an anger issue and has gotten better as he got older. My question is so many times he tantrums or starts a tantrum when I tell him to do s/t- like plz take your shoes off when u come into the house, or lets wash your hands when you get home from school... or in the morning lets get dressed.. He does have some slight sensory issues too but when time is tight and I don't have time to wait out a tantrum what do I do? And how do I prevent him from getting angry when I ask him to do s/t that he doesn't want to..

FranticFrummie

Tue, Jul 14 2015, 2:19 pm

I was just given an old copy of "How to talk so your kids will listen - how to listen so your kids will talk".

It is BRILLIANT! I can't recommend it enough. I have a 12yo girl who is going through some difficult phases, and making the home an unpleasant place to be. I read the book in one sitting on Shabbos, tried using the technique with her, and she talked to me a LOT. A few hours later she came to me and gave me a kiss (which hasn't happened in ages), and said "I love you. Thank you for letting me talk about my problems."

I didn't try to "fix" anything. I didn't give her my opinions. I don't even think we came to any satisfactory conclusions about her issues. Just feeling HEARD was enough for her.

The book has tons of advice on how to use these techniques with toddlers, and even non verbal kids - not just teens. Basically, teens are just toddlers with a bigger vocabulary, anyway. Wink

Chayalle

Tue, Jul 14 2015, 2:31 pm

Wow, Mashiach is coming. I "liked" Dolly's post. Really took me into a 4-year-old's head.

OP, your son sounds totally normal. And yes, it WILL get better as he matures and learns to channel his emotional energy.

In the meantime, you can try role-playing. Act out a scene using his cars where one car crashes into the other and the car gets banged up. Discuss what would happen if someone thru a car at him. Talk about it seriously, get into it. Let him feel what could happen, and how big boys like him who are so huge, they're already four (not like the little two year old down the block or the baby in the cribby...) know that it's dangerous to throw toys because they don't want to hurt anyone.