I Feel Like I Am Fighting a War Against Myself

amother

Blonde

Thu, May 21 2015, 12:40 pm

Ever since Pesach, I decided that I want to work on keeping my house more neat. We are a couple w/ a baby, but my house was often a pigsty. I have ADD. I am lazy and I am also a SAHM/WAHM, but my baby doesn't nap well and when she's up, I usually laze around. At night, once she's asleep, that's usually when I'll eat supper and work. It doesn't leave me very much time.

Anyway, these past 6ish weeks, I've really been doing much better. I'm doing laundry on time. I do most of the dishes. I try to sweep. It is helping my marriage and it is helping me come into Shabbos more relaxed. It is AMAZING!

The only problem is that it is still so hard for me. I feel like I have to fight w/ myself and get up and do it. If I slide for even one day, then it avalanches at me and gets overwhelming. I don't want to feel like housework is all I do. Washing dishes, spotting clothes, hanging up clothes takes me a long time. I cannot afford cleaning help right now.

How do you do it? How do chores become natural and bearable? I really feel like I am fighting a war w/ my nature. I'm happy b/c it's great for my middos and my marriage and my avodas Hashem, but I am scared I am going to get burnt out and return to where I was before.

mummiedearest

Thu, May 21 2015, 12:48 pm

I actually feel like I developed ADD since my last kid. I've been struggling similarly lately. here's what I try to do:

do the thing that looks biggest but is easiest first. in my case, that's sweeping the main floor. I use the broom to gather toys while sweeping, so I don't have an extra step. once the floor is clear, my mind is a bit clearer and I can accomplish other things. also, try to stick to a dishwashing schedule. I tend to do best with washing dishes in the morning before I eat breakfast. once the dishes and floors are clean, laundry isn't a huge deal. set an alarm on your phone to beep every day at the same time. when it beeps, throw in a load of laundry. don't do more than one load a day. if you don't have a full load to wash, sort a load at that time.

keep baby wipes handy. use them to wipe down spills on your counter, clean your table, etc.

June

Thu, May 21 2015, 12:54 pm

except for a few details, I could have written your post!

I never thought of it as a war against myself, but that's really what it is. for some people it comes naturally, and for others it just doesn't, and it will always be a battle.

it's gotten a little easier since we moved to a really small apartment and I have to keep everything somewhat in place in order to live. here's what works for me:

1. Have a place for everything. some things don't get put away all week, like my computer (I WAHM, or more like WAKitchen Table). but by having a place for all my stuff, I'm much more likely to put things away. if I dont' have room for something I get rid of it, or if I need it, I get rid of something else to make room. I don't stock up on groceries on sale because I simply have no room.

2. I made myself a rule that I may not go to bed without clearing up from dinner and sweeping the floor. I try really, really hard to also wash the dishes before bed. my husband helps.

3. I don't beat myself up if I let things go for a bit. I just start over with cleaning up and getting things in order.

Last edited by June on Thu, May 21 2015, 1:01 pm; edited 1 time in total

mha3484

Thu, May 21 2015, 1:18 pm

I was having such a hard time with this and a slob comes clean helped me so much. Thanks Saw for recommending it here years ago. I am finally feeling on top of things but it was a two part process. Changing my habits and changing my standards. I also shifted around some money in my budget to get cleaning help once every 3weeks to a month.

I made a routine that I could keep up with and I do it every day. Modify for shabbos and yomtov. I read fly lady. a slob comes clean and made a list of what I need to do every day to feel calm and I do it. For each person it will be different.

Some things that I do:

I start cooking for shabbos some weeks on Wednesday or Thursday and I wash each pot/pan/utensil after I use it.

I also dont go to bed motzei shabbos unless all the dishes are washed and put away.

I clean the bathroom while my 4 year old takes a bath. Its a nice conversation time for us.

I turn on a timer and we have a contest who can clean up more toys in 5 minutes.

I also changed my standards. Who cares if dinner is served in the foil pan I cooked it in on paper plates. I make a lot of one pot meals even for shabbos. I am not always the fun mommy letting my 4 year old play with super messy toys.

I have run into some real issues in the housekeeping department that will take this tread off topic. I know that I am on my second and only chance so that fear gets me at the end of the day.

I hope some of these suggestions can help you.

amother

Blonde

Thu, May 21 2015, 1:32 pm

Thanks for the link. That might be for the next time I procrastinate tonight!

June, I am also a WAHOKT. I have a 2 bedroom apartment, but no office. I am thinking about buying a desk on the side of my salon.

When I lived in a small apartment, I was a lot neater. But, once baby came along, I got so messy. I usually would work in waves. When I was UP, I would clean and go-go-go until I dropped. When I was down, I dropped and lazed until the next up. Once baby came along, the story was different. I could have the UP, but baby would need me or I couldn't make too much noise etc. I would have the DOWN once baby was fast asleep and DH was home to tend to the baby if needed. Basically, I used to work around my ADD. Now, I have work against it.

I have a lot of storage space. The problem is, I have no idea how to properly utilize it. I do have places for some of my stuff, but some of the places are just not good places and end up getting messy w/in themselves and some stuff just never has a place, even though I have some almost empty shelves. Basically, it is hard for me to figure out where to put things.

June, Mummiedearest and mha, thank you so much for the helpful ideas!
I could try to budget cleaning help a few times a month, I haven't tried so hard, but I found that the cleaners only want s/t steady. They'd rather work for you 3 times a week, than 3 times a month.

I will be"H be sending my daughter to a babysitter after Shavous b/c my workload (job work) picked up. I have a flexible work schedule and I am thinking of stopping work a half an hr. a couple times a week before it's time to pick up baby and just cleaning up w/ no pressure. That's more affordable than cleaning help. Although, I won't get the break I am sorely craving.

amother

Blonde

Thu, May 21 2015, 1:36 pm

kollel wife wrote:

What is your most energetic time of day - do the things that are harder at that time.

Also, can you nap when the baby naps - that'll give you more energy and motivation as well.

It varies. I am definitely a night person, but I need my most energetic point for job work. (Although, once I send to babysitter, I am hoping to utilize nights for housework.)

I can't nap for more than a half an hr. except when I was expecting b/c it throws me off and then I can't fall asleep until very late and that throws off the next day...

saw50st8

Thu, May 21 2015, 1:51 pm

I recommend getting rid of a lot of stuff. The less you have, the less you have to clean.

Also, pick the room that matters the most. For my husband, it's the living room. Try to do a quick pick up twice a day (even just 5 minutes) to straighten up. I find it's not cleaning that really takes a long time, but the "getting ready to clean" AKA straightening up so the broom/mop/vacuum can actually do it's job.

Also, maybe try to prepare dinner first thing in the morning so you can wash the pots and then have the kitchen pretty clean.

Kids make keeping a neat and clean house 1000X harder. Make sure to optimize your storage and have solutions that work for you, not that work for other people.

little_mage

Thu, May 21 2015, 3:09 pm

You're not the only one. Something that I've found helps me is to set a timer and just get whatever I can get done in that time, but then give myself permission to stop when it's done. It helps me feel less overwhelmed, because I know that I don't have to do it all at once, and I'm consistently surprised at how much I'm able to get done in five to ten minutes.

Also, I second (third?) a slob comes clean. Flylady never quite clicked for me, but a lot of her ideas really did.

June

Thu, May 21 2015, 3:29 pm

little_mage wrote:

I also set a timer when I'm feeling overwhelmed! it always amazes me how much I can get done in 10 minutes. then I chill for 10 minutes, doing something that makes me happy - reading a good book, doing my nails, etc.

chani8

Fri, May 22 2015, 5:04 am

Chores were never bearable for me. But with the help of a friend who kicked my butt about it, I managed. My friend would tell me, "Chani8, put your big girl pants on and get to work. Stop being a baby about it."

It's painful, indeed, but being a SAHM has more benefits than not. I would probably make a better corporate manager than a housekeeper, but alas, this is my lot in life. I might as well do my job well.

And then G-d blessed me with teen daughters and a future DIL who all clean up for me.

LittleDucky

Tue, May 26 2015, 3:46 pm

Totally could have written that! I feel like I am at war with my apartment and now that I think of it, myself! So while I don't have ADD, I feel like I do when it comes to cleaning. Some things will drive me nuts and I just "have to clean that". But other things drive DH crazy or are much more obvious to the rest of the population and it just gets neglected. Plus I get distracted easily, start doing random crazy tasks that don't do much for the cleanliness/clutter. I live in a small apartment with a kid. I started reading a slob comes clean and totally see myself in her (but I do like to give myself a pat on the back that I at least don't have snake skins on my floor...). I need some advice to tailor to a small apartment though... like if you NEED the stuff but it just seems to pile up everywhere. I need some basic decluttering advice. The whole one in, one out doesn't work for me... what do you do with your stuff?
For instance, we have a lot of books. we need them: sefarim, siddurim, cookbooks that we use often, for pleasure (stuff we read over and over), or for our relative business (resource books). Some of the lesser used books (hagaddas) go into boxes but then we have boxes in our closets and can't use the closets! Or we have off season clothes. Or weird display items. We got so many as gifts and they probably were really really expensive. artistic stuff, vases....... What do you do with them? They are still in their boxes but we just don't have anywhere to display them! And we can't get rid of it as family gave it and they will notice. We have a lot of stuff but what can we do about it? We don't have a lot of money for a china closet or space for one either.
Decluttering and "best use of space" ideas anyone? Especially for a cleaning-deficient person as myself... Smile

November

Tue, May 26 2015, 3:50 pm

I'm going to repeat some of the things that others have said. First is to declutter. It can be pans, toys, blankets, pens, clothes, whatever. You only have room for what can fit in your space. Take time to think about your storage space and how best to use it. Can you afford to hire someone to help you to get more organized? It could be worthwhile.

sourstix

Tue, May 26 2015, 5:10 pm

I feel just like you. I did and do give in to my temptations a lot. and thats my problem. I also have some add. so I think its harder for those types to stick to doing things and be consistent. not an excuse but just an awareness. there is not magic wand. just make sure the most important things get done. hopefully you will be inspired by the level of calmness it brings. hugs would love to get some inspiration myself too.

amother

Blonde

Tue, May 26 2015, 5:24 pm

saw50st8 wrote:

OP, how are you doing?

I'm sorry. I just looked at the board and saw my thread. I must have stopped following it by accident.
How am I doing? Honestly, about the same as I was doing before this thread. I got behind on dishes one day last week. IIRC, I was feeling super tired (not a lazy tired, a real tired) b/c my baby started waking up earlier. One day of skipping dishes snowballed... By Erev Shabbos/Shavous, I had no idea how I was going to get all of the dishes done. It was not a good situation b/c there were both milchig and fleishig dishes to be done and I have only one sink. I davened and b"H I finished the dishes, mopped the floor and put away laundry and made early Shabbos Smile

(We were guests. I don't think I've ever made early Shabbos on my own since I've gotten married.)

So far, things almost got out of control this week. I had to work motzei YT (at night). B"H, the next day I was able to do all of the YT dishes. If I hadn't... the kitchen would be chaotic. Since I did them, it's not. There still are more chores that need to be done. But, I had a hard day and my baby wouldn't sleep and I needed to work during the small amount of time that she actually slept.