DD11 not invited to party, wwyd?

amother

Blonde

Tue, May 26 2015, 3:21 pm

DD11 found out that one of the girls in her school had a birthday party and didn't invite her. They're not in the same class but do mix in similar circles. They're not exactly friends, more acquaintances, but the girl basically invited all DD's friends and not her.

Would you say anything to the mother? I've had to comfort my devastated DD and while I know this is very common, I also feel the mother should know. My DD is not 'the last person you'd ever want to invite'. She doesn't bother people, if anything she's quiet. It could be they just forgot to include her. Is it worth looking for an explanation, or should I just drop it?

amother

Babypink

Tue, May 26 2015, 3:38 pm

amother wrote:

honestly I would just drop it, it's not even worth being upset about - please tell dd that. It is true that the girl was very mean and inpolite to invite everyone except your dd, but do not encourage your dd to feel upset or that there is something wrong with her, there definitely is not - she is totally fine. The girl is not.
it happened to me once when I was eleven thay a girl invited all my circle of friends except me. Yes I felt upset about it at the time lol but now it's like hello - who even cares?!!! I have moved on from that time (would be seriously worried if I hadn't! ). I have bH a happy life and a few true friends. I am truly blessed, she is the one who acted inappropriately not me (or your daughter). So long as your daughter did not do anything wrong, did not hurt anyone, what is there to be upset about or worried about! Just tell her to be happy, that she is beautiful and that so long as she walks straight with Hashem she never has to worry about anything! You know what, most likely this girl will feel guilty in a few years time that she might have hurt your dd..that tends to happen as we mature and age. It happened to me Sad

so just tell your dd to forget all about it, tell her how much you love her, and that you'd love to take her out for lunch or have some lovely mother daughter time with her to show how much she's loved by you and special she is to you.
She'll soon forget everything and realise how insignificant this all is! Also, it's part of growing up, and learning that real friends are a blessing and that relationships sometimes require us to think about our own values.
all the best!

Barbara

Tue, May 26 2015, 3:43 pm

amother wrote:

Drop it.

What would you expect the mother to do, particularly since the party has already taken place?

In any case, you say that the girls aren't in the same class, and aren't even friends. It's entirely reasonable that she wasn't invited. Do you invite all of your kids' friends' friends to parties? Will you invite all of the friends of your daughter's friends to her bat mitzvah next year, even if they're not actually your daughter's friends?

Talk to your daughter about the fact that its not always possible to invite everyone, particularly those who aren't in the same class and who aren't good friends, and that it doesn't mean that she's not liked.

amother

Blonde

Tue, May 26 2015, 3:43 pm

amother wrote:

OP again

I really appreciate what you write here but I'm also wary of negating her feelings. Of COURSE she's hurt, that's normal. It's upsetting not to be included, at any age.

But I very much like what you wrote that I've bolded above about how relationships require us to think about our own values. Too true.

imasinger

Tue, May 26 2015, 3:50 pm

Well, if she was just an oversight, you could say to the mom next time you see her, "it's so nice that our dd's are in the same grade at X school! Has your dd had a good year?"

Directly asking the mom, "did you forget about my dd" is a little unsettling, not quite appropriate. And it's a little risky. You might get a reason you like; you might not, and then feel worse.

Better to help your DD be dl"z, and make a list of reasons how it might be that she was left out, either by accident, or because of some size limitation that put her in a different category.

B"H, your DD is a nice girl, and was not likely to be excluded because of poor behavior.

Encourage her friendships that matter more, and let this go.

As we grow up, we often hear of parties that we weren't invited to. It doesn't mean much.

Chayalle

Tue, May 26 2015, 4:10 pm

Laiya wrote:

How many girls were invited? There's a difference between 5, and 12, imo.

If you don't call the mother, I WOULD (and have) called the principal (or call both, if you don't care if the mother knows you complained about her)

I wouldn't rush to call the principal unless there are repeat "leaving your DD out" incidents. It will not likely help her friendships to do so.

There's a difference between validating your DD's hurt feelings, which is very important to do...and taking action, which I'm not sure you should do (depending on if lots of girls were invited and your DD was singled out, and if this is something that has happened more than once, if it appears to have been deliberate or just a matter of having to draw the line somewhere.....)

We can't control everything in our kids lives, we can't create a perfect world for them (though boy, we love them and would like them to have the best of everything.) Now is the time to teach your child coping skills, which will serve her well thru life...letting her know that sometimes these things happen, and our feelings our hurt, but we CAN survive hurt feelings, we can move past them, we don't have to allow our actions or relationships to be controlled by hurt feelings. We don't let our feelings get in the way of our relationships, we can continue to be friends with people even if they did not invite us to the party.....

Amarante

Tue, May 26 2015, 4:48 pm

As I understand it, the girl was not one of the daughter's friends but was an acquaintance so that some of the daughter's friends were probably actual friends with the birthday girl.

In my opinion, this is completely different than when there is a group of girl friends and one of the girls in THE CIRCLE of friends is excluded to be mean.

Was there a reasonable expectation that the daughter would be invited - I.e. does she have any kind of independent relationship with the birthday girl?

I agree that tween age is a VERY VERY VERY hard age emotionally but this doesn't seem to be a scenario in which the birthday girl set out to deliberately exclude someone in a "circle of friends" although the end result was that some of your daughter's friends were invited to a party and she wasn't.

In these circumstances, I would not confront the mother and certainly not someone from the school because it doesn't seem as though anything wrong has been done. Would someone be expected to invite every acquaintance to a party? That doesn't seem realistic.

I would of course not tell the daughter to "get over it" LOL but the reality is that in life she is going to have to learn to "get over" stuff that is far worse than this. Perhaps you could take her someplace special on the day of the party and try to explain to her that under the circumstances it doesn't seem that she was deliberately excluded because she isn't "worthy" but that there have to be cut-offs for any social gathering.

And also, of course, that even if people are "mean" and reject you, that doesn't mean that one has to internalize other's opinions. That of course is a very hard thing for even adults to learn.

Scrabble123

Tue, May 26 2015, 4:50 pm

Barbara wrote:

I agree with Barbara. Your reaction to the situation will also help teach your daughter a positive (hopefully) reaction to common incidents in life.

Barbara

Tue, May 26 2015, 5:22 pm

Laiya wrote:

And what would you say?

My daughter wasn't invited to a birthday party.

Well, we have a rule for the younger kids that everyone in the class has to be invited. Is your daughter 6?

No, she's 11.

Well, ummm, I suppose the rule might apply. Was everyone in the class invited except your daughter?

I don't know. They're not in the same class. I don't think everyone in my daughter's class was invited.

Oh. I see. Did they used to be good friends?

Well, they've never actually been friends. They mix in similar circles, so they have friends in common.

So .... the girls aren't in the same class, and aren't even friends. But you want the school to take action against this family for not inviting your daughter to a party that was held outside of school?

YES! My daughter may not be friends with the girl, but they have friends in common, any my daughter was hurt.

Laiya

Tue, May 26 2015, 5:45 pm

Chayalle wrote:

I don't disagree with what you wrote. I should have been more clear. I'd call the principal to discuss school policy for the future, if this type of thing happens repeatedly, where girls are made to feel left out; not to "tattle" on a specific parent.

I also missed where OP wrote that the girl was in another class, which is a different story altogether.

amother

Lawngreen

Tue, May 26 2015, 5:49 pm

Hmm, why do I have some hurt feelings deep down when I specifically think about childhood parties?

I am from a small city and a small class. (There were usually around 10 girls in my class. There was only one grade in the school.) Most girls made birthday parties and invited the whole class. There was one slightly wealthy (wouldn't say rich, but probably more comfortable than most of our families) popular girl who threw a party at Build a Bear and invited only some of the class. Build a Bear is expensive and I understand that the parents did want to pay for 10 Build a Bears. The girls who were invited did keep the party quiet, but eventually it came out. Now, I wasn't particularly close w/ this popular girl, but I did think it was a rude thing to do. If it was one friend, I understand, but to take half of the class and leave out the other half? Now that I am a mother, I understand this even less. B"H if my daughter is popular, but to cause other children needless pain when I could make a simpler b-day party and invite the whole class?

Now, your case really sounds different. They aren't even in the same class. If girls in your daughters circle were included but not her, it probably was an oversight, but really not a big deal b/c they're not in the same class and they're not even friends. (You said acquaintance.) But, one thing you can do is take note of your daughters feelings and encourage her in the future to think outside of the box and include others who may be forgotten about.

-A mother b/c of revealing details

chani8

Wed, May 27 2015, 4:39 am

I don't see how this has to be turned into, 'See how much it hurt you, so be sure to not do this to others.' You cannot prevent hurting everyone's feelings always. Some time may come where you have to leave someone out. Frankly, it's not your problem. It's the 'victim's' problem. Her job is to learn to DLKZ toward others. And regarding her feelings, disappointments happen, and you can just be disappointed without having to fix it. IOW, let her have her feelings, Mom, and stop trying to fix it.

amother

Lawngreen

Wed, May 27 2015, 5:25 am

chani8 wrote:

I don't see how this has to be turned into, 'See how much it hurt you, so be sure to not do this to others.' You cannot prevent hurting everyone's feelings always. Some time may come where you have to leave someone out. Frankly, it's not your problem. It's the 'victim's' problem. Her job is to learo n to DLKZ toward others. And regarding her feelings, disappointments happen, and you can just be disappointed without having to fix it. IOW, let her have her feelings, Mom, and stop trying to fix it.

I'm not saying OP should say s/t to DD now. I agree. DD needs to manage her own feelings. I'm talking about when OPs DD is planning her own b-day party and is working on the guest list. I'm thinking that OP should encourage DD to think of the more quiet and/or socially awkward and think about how happy it would make them.

chani8

Wed, May 27 2015, 7:18 am

amother wrote:

I don't know. I was quiet, shy and awkward and did not notice that I wasn't invited. And an invitation does not make me happy. It stresses me out, TBH.

As a result of my personality limitations, until imamother, I wouldn't have realized that it may hurt someone to not be invited. To my logic, sometimes it just doesn't make sense to invite someone. For example, I wouldn't invite Miss Popular to my Geek Get Together. Do you think she would be hurt by that? What if she was my next door neighbor? Would I have to invite her? I hope not.

That's where DLKZ comes in. There was some reason the girl in this scenario decided not to invite OP's daughter, and it may have something or nothing to do with the girl herself. She can think up some reasons why she wasn't invited, ideas that make her feel better. Or she can just realize, no one gets invited to every party and it's nothing personal. Disappointing, though, apparently.

So I really don't think the lesson here is that you have to invite everyone to your party. Or perhaps I'm not being empathetic enough?

amother

Lawngreen

Wed, May 27 2015, 7:28 am

chani8 wrote:

I guess every kid is different. I didn't enjoy being left out at all, but I am a very social person who ended up in a class that wasn't a good "shidduch". B"H, HS was much better.

I agree w/ you about the DLKZ. But, obviously depending on the norms and the enviroment, I do believe in reaching out and thinking about other kids.