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WDYD: Getting yelled at
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amother
Orchid


 

Post Tue, May 26 2015, 6:21 pm
So I am just horrible at these situations and invariably end up doing something stupid and embarrassing like yell back. I hope you're not going to say the thing to do is leave, because I don't know if I will ever have the presence of mind to remember to do that in a heated moment. But I'm hoping that maybe if I know the right response then maybe just maybe I can keep myself out of embarrassing scenes in the future.

So I'm going to share what happened today as an example:
I'm in the playground with my small children. It is a private gated playground that belongs to our fairly classy apartment complex, so while there are sometimes people there I don't love the worst that ever usually happens is if you stay too late in the evening and it gets overrun by hyper adolescents. We're mainly pretty friendly people. We share each other's toys, have different parenting styles, and occasionally get mildly assertive on our kids' behalf but drama doesn't usually happen.
Anyway my 2-year-old got on the seesaw, there was another young-looking but large girl (I mention her size only to explain why later on she was not flying out of the seat) I don't know on the other end, they started to flirt and seesaw and seemed to be having fun. Another somewhat larger kid who I assume is the girl's brother because they arrived at the park with the same adults got onto the same side of the seesaw as my child (there is room for at least two kids on each side) but he got on in front of her so that he couldn't see her. He started seesawing rather more vigorously than the little girls, but my 2-year-old is an adventurous sort so I just kept a quiet eye on it from where I was standing maybe a couple of yards away. Then he suddenly started doing it so hard that my little 2-year-old's bottom was flying off her seat. She was getting the wind knocked out of her. So I called out "Hey, please slow down!" The playground was noisy and the kid was absorbed in playing so he totally didn't notice. So I started to run towards my kid, and called louder things like "Stop! Hey you! Watch out for the baby!" I'd like to assume that anyone witnessing this could see that I meant absolutely zero malice or judgment towards anyone and was only trying to save what I felt was a dangerous situation (the kid was being a kid, and remember my smaller child was in back of him so he could not have seen that she was being jounced and terrified) By the time I caught up with them the kid seemed to have taken notice and had stopped at least if only to hear what I was trying to say. But the kid's mother meanwhile was charging at me from the other side of the play area and started yelling super hard in my face. Now unfortunately she picked the wrong person to start with because I do not respond well to yelling. I have no idea how to. "Don't you call my kid "Hey yo" (what was I supposed to call him, never met him before, don't know his name, trying to get attention...?) He's just a baby like yours..." I don't even remember what else was said but it included words that I usually don't use in front of my children and I would bet most of the people who usually share that park don't either. I have no idea who this person was or whether she was a legitimate guest at the park but I felt very violated by the whole experience.

I know I was absolutely doing fine as a parent and park-sharer until the moment my "getting-yelled-at red-alert" went on and I raised my voice back. In the end I scooped up my kids (the one who was right there was totally traumatized, the others I don't think saw) and left the park fuming and also embarrassed at myself for trying to answer back when I wasn't getting a word in edgewise anyway. Embarrassed that my kids and the other normal park-parents heard me yell (I did yell, but I was not nasty, insulting, and cursing like the other woman. Just being defensive - like what difference does it make if I called your kid "hey you" when he was injuring my child? For the record, my kids and many others I see in this park are constantly taught and reminded to be mindful of and gentle around smaller children sharing the space. Yes, even at age 3-4. No, , your 4-year-old is not "just a baby like mine.") On the other hand, I also feel like a bit of a loser for leaving the park with my kids when we were the ones behaving ourselves in the first place. I had half a mind to go to the building security and ask if they know who those people are and whether they live here, but I ended up deciding to bring my crying toddler (and company) straight home.

The whole thing was maybe 60 seconds. I know one alternative would have been to walk away (with my kid, of course) as soon as the yelling started. I am wondering though if any of the wise, mature people here knows how to defuse a situation like this. It would have been pretty sad if this had happened when we just got to the park and weren't about ready to go anyway. And we definitely belong there. I have never seen these other people before, though I guess you never know. I hope they haven't moved in. I would want to leave as soon as I saw them in the future. Is there a better way?
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vintagebknyc




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 26 2015, 6:23 pm
You lost me at "classy"
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groovy1224




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 26 2015, 6:29 pm
Double post

Last edited by groovy1224 on Tue, May 26 2015, 6:30 pm; edited 1 time in total
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groovy1224




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 26 2015, 6:30 pm
Her reaction was bizarre. You didn't expect it, and thus reacted to her reaction the way you did. Maybe it wasn't optimal, but the bottom line is you got your daughter out of a dangerous situation. Don't ask the security guard where they live. Definitely don't do that. Just be glad you don't have the misfortune of having to do parent teacher conferences with this woman.
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groovy1224




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 26 2015, 6:31 pm
amother wrote:
You lost me at "classy"


Rolling Eyes you lost me at 'amother'
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vintagebknyc




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 26 2015, 6:44 pm
groovy1224 wrote:
Rolling Eyes you lost me at 'amother'


apologies, didn't even realize I checked it off. fixed it. (because, seriously, I'm the first one to complain when someone responds as "amother")
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amother
Honeydew


 

Post Tue, May 26 2015, 6:46 pm
Once you start yelling back you both sound like a couple of crazies. Actually you started the yelling in her eyes.
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groovy1224




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 26 2015, 6:53 pm
vintagebknyc wrote:
apologies, didn't even realize I checked it off. fixed it. (because, seriously, I'm the first one to complain when someone responds as "amother")



Lol aright..my post will be a little confusing now, but who cares.
I still don't get why people attack word choices like that. I think she was just trying to imply that it is really a private playground; and when you pay a premium for something like that, there is a modicum of decorum that is expected from all parties. Not that it's not that way in a public playground, but it is a little more 'free for all' since it is after all, open to everyone. Call me snooty, but roughhousing is the kind of thing that's really off limits in a private playground. It shouldn't be done in a public one either, but you don't really have an actual right to be upset if it happens.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 26 2015, 6:57 pm
When someone is that crazy, there aren't any good responses.

Had you just walked away, you might have kicked yourself for being a coward.

I bet several other parents were cheering you on. A 4 year old does not have the right to hurt a 2 year old.

The only constructive suggestion I have is to act sooner. Even a 2 year old who likes wild rides should not be getting them from a larger and impulsive 4 year old who can't see her behind him.

Maybe the thing to do is step in quickly when the brother sat down, and say, "excuse me, could you please put the baby in front of you? She might fall off the back."
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amother
Papaya


 

Post Tue, May 26 2015, 7:21 pm
I would probably have responded the same way as you OP, and would feel just as upset.

DH has a line he likes to use when someone randomly starts yelling at him in an unexpected and inappropriate way: In a super-calm voice, like he's talking to a child, he says, "It's ok, just try to calm down, you really don't need to get upset".

Bec. it's so condescending, the person usually ends up getting even angrier, and making a total fool of themselves, esp. contrasted with dh, who's acting super-calm, and ends up looking like the mature adult.

(anon bec. I've told this IRL)
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amother
Orchid


 

Post Tue, May 26 2015, 7:26 pm
Yes, my use of "classy" was to describe how unexpected this behavior was. Rough little kids can happen anywhere (especially since the trend around here is towards less parental interference. I'm not much of a helicopter mom myself, as in this episode I watched from the side until it got rough) but yelling parents not so much. I didn't think to say anything when he first got on the seesaw because generally kids around here know to be gentle when there are younger kids around. Now I know better and might be more protective next time. Though in this case I'm not at all sure it would have helped at all if he could have seen her, I was just giving the benefit of the doubt as some kids would get the cue from seeing the small child in front of them. This one doesn't seem to have been raised with gentle values. After all, "he's only a baby."

Anyway, in a public park I wouldn't have felt as threatened by just leaving. Here I feel like it's my home, I should be able to be the one staying and having a good time with my kids. When I said I thought of asking security if they know who those people were, it wasn't so I could chase them down (I'm not that stupid, I just don't think well under fire) it was because if they don't live in these apartments then they can legitimately be told to leave the playground and not come back.

Amother, I am aware that I sounded crazy by yelling back, which is why I'm embarrassed and asking for help being prepared with an alternative if something like this happens again.
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amother
Honeydew


 

Post Tue, May 26 2015, 9:38 pm
amother wrote:


Amother, I am aware that I sounded crazy by yelling back, which is why I'm embarrassed and asking for help being prepared with an alternative if something like this happens again.


You actually started the yelling. You could have said the same thing to the kid with the same urgency but instead of calling the kid "hey you" you could have said "sweety" or "shafela"

If someone would yell in my face like that, I say "we don't speak like that here". This is similar to what the other poster said her DH says. It leaves only one crazy and shows that you are above the fray. This can't be done if you are calling children "hey you".

This really works well. It leaves you presenting as a lady and only one crazy is left.

Another technique is to over apologize in an innocent manner. Tell the mom in a low calm voice that you are sorry you yelled but you were frightened for your child. I have done this a couple of times when strangers were angry at me. It never fails to end the situation.
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amother
Orchid


 

Post Tue, May 26 2015, 9:54 pm
amother wrote:
You actually started the yelling. You could have said the same thing to the kid with the same urgency but instead of calling the kid "hey you" you could have said "sweety" or "shafela"

If someone would yell in my face like that, I say "we don't speak like that here". This is similar to what the other poster said her DH says. It leaves only one crazy and shows that you are above the fray. This can't be done if you are calling children "hey you".

This really works well. It leaves you presenting as a lady and only one crazy is left.

Another technique is to over apologize in an innocent manner. Tell the mom in a low calm voice that you are sorry you yelled but you were frightened for your child. I have done this a couple of times when strangers were angry at me. It never fails to end the situation.

You must have missed the part where the child DIDN'T HEAR the first time I asked him to stop. It was a noisy playground situation, my kid was in crisis, and I was a couple of yards away. I really don't see the alternative to yelling there. My yelling TO the kid to stop bouncing was a very different creature than his mom yelling at me afterward.

Does anyone else find "hey you" offensive? Is there something I should know about this? Because I always thought it was something generic you could say when you need to grab someone's attention and don't know their name. I say it to my own kids sometimes even though I do know their names. Is there some culture where this is an insult? Because if so, I would understand this whole exchange a lot more and definitely try to change my ways for the future. But I seriously was not thinking into that part at all. "This can't be done if you are calling children "hey you""??? I dunno, where I come from I was never taught that "Hey you" is an unrespectable thing to say. And it's a little hard to hear that lesson from someone yelling at me about h#ll in middle of a playground full of preschoolers including her own.
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imaima




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 26 2015, 10:45 pm
I have seen most proper and relaxed people yell like crazies when their child was in danger. So there is no problem in yelling hey you and doing anything to prevent someone from hurting you child. Yes it is that simple.
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chani8




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 27 2015, 12:03 am
Being able to diffuse a verbal attack is something even the greatest psychiatrists have a hard time with, according to Dr Burns.

I would add that once your body is in stress mode, you need almost superhuman strength to not fight or flight. A good way to overcome the stress response is with preparation. Practice or replay scenarios until you know how you want to respond.

So you are asking here, how should you respond. The way the experts say to handle it, is to validate the other person. Find some way to see their POV. For example:

"You're right, I was yelling at your child." That's first and foremost, the most important thing you can say.

Then you can explain your POV, but keep her POV in mind too.

"I was yelling because I was totally freaked out that my child was going to fly off the seesaw. Nothing against your child. I didn't mean to yell at him. I wasn't even angry at him. I was just scared and trying to stop the seesaw."

And then get really busy with your kids and walk away.
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Jewishmom8




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 27 2015, 12:07 am
amother wrote:
You must have missed the part where the child DIDN'T HEAR the first time I asked him to stop. It was a noisy playground situation, my kid was in crisis, and I was a couple of yards away. I really don't see the alternative to yelling there. My yelling TO the kid to stop bouncing was a very different creature than his mom yelling at me afterward.

Does anyone else find "hey you" offensive? Is there something I should know about this? Because I always thought it was something generic you could say when you need to grab someone's attention and don't know their name. I say it to my own kids sometimes even though I do know their names. Is there some culture where this is an insult? Because if so, I would understand this whole exchange a lot more and definitely try to change my ways for the future. But I seriously was not thinking into that part at all. "This can't be done if you are calling children "hey you""??? I dunno, where I come from I was never taught that "Hey you" is an unrespectable thing to say. And it's a little hard to hear that lesson from someone yelling at me about h#ll in middle of a playground full of preschoolers including her own.

maybe the kid cant hear well.
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imasoftov




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 27 2015, 1:00 am
groovy1224 wrote:
Lol aright..my post will be a little confusing now, but who cares.
I still don't get why people attack word choices like that. I think she was just trying to imply that it is really a private playground; and when you pay a premium for something like that, there is a modicum of decorum that is expected from all parties. Not that it's not that way in a public playground, but it is a little more 'free for all' since it is after all, open to everyone. Call me snooty, but roughhousing is the kind of thing that's really off limits in a private playground. It shouldn't be done in a public one either, but you don't really have an actual right to be upset if it happens.

There are some things money can't buy ...
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imaima




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 27 2015, 1:02 am
Jewishmom8 wrote:
maybe the kid cant hear well.


Exactly. So you just need to yell louder.
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amother
Honeydew


 

Post Wed, May 27 2015, 3:38 am
amother wrote:
You must have missed the part where the child DIDN'T HEAR the first time I asked him to stop. It was a noisy playground situation, my kid was in crisis, and I was a couple of yards away. I really don't see the alternative to yelling there. My yelling TO the kid to stop bouncing was a very different creature than his mom yelling at me afterward.

Does anyone else find "hey you" offensive? Is there something I should know about this? Because I always thought it was something generic you could say when you need to grab someone's attention and don't know their name. I say it to my own kids sometimes even though I do know their names. Is there some culture where this is an insult? Because if so, I would understand this whole exchange a lot more and definitely try to change my ways for the future. But I seriously was not thinking into that part at all. "This can't be done if you are calling children "hey you""??? I dunno, where I come from I was never taught that "Hey you" is an unrespectable thing to say. And it's a little hard to hear that lesson from someone yelling at me about h#ll in middle of a playground full of preschoolers including her own.


It is a classless thing to say in the US. Google it if you doubt me. A refined lady can convey it is an emergency without resorting to nasty language. You must be careful how you discipline other people's children.

You yelled at her children. Perhaps when she confronted you, you could have over apologized and gotten your point across at the same time that she should be watching her kids closer by apologizing and saying you are so sorry that you didn't realize DC's mom was right there otherwise you never would have disciplined her child.
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 27 2015, 5:12 am
amother wrote:
It is a classless thing to say in the US. Google it if you doubt me. A refined lady can convey it is an emergency without resorting to nasty language. You must be careful how you discipline other people's children.

You yelled at her children. Perhaps when she confronted you, you could have over apologized and gotten your point across at the same time that she should be watching her kids closer by apologizing and saying you are so sorry that you didn't realize DC's mom was right there otherwise you never would have disciplined her child.


She was not disciplining the child. She was asking him to be careful while running and out of breath with a raised voice. Big difference.
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