Home
Log in / Sign Up
    Private Messages   Advanced Search   Rules   New User Guide   FAQ   Advertise   Contact Us  
Forum -> Parenting our children
Do your kids 'help'?
1  2  Next



Post new topic   Reply to topic View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother
Lemon


 

Post Wed, May 27 2015, 6:46 am
Do your kids have 'jobs' in the house? What's your take? Do you think it's right to ask kids to help in the house?

Of course they need to clean after themselves, as in putting their dirty laundry and plates in the right place, and putting away toys. I might occasionally ask them to bring me a cup of water, or collect an item from upstairs, but that's about it.

DH and I don't want the kids to feel the burden of the house. If they want to help, it's got to be on their own accord - which is never. But, I was thinking about it over Yom Tov when I realised that I was working to the bone erev y't, and then doing all the serving and clearing all on my own the entire y't...

My boys, aged 8 and 10, will never spontaneously clear or pack away toys etc. without being asked. In fact, they complain endlessly those few times that I do ask because I'm desperate.

Will they eventually start noticing what's going on when they get older? Or will they grow into men that never lift a finger? Am I right about leaving it the way it is?
Back to top

shabbatiscoming




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 27 2015, 6:56 am
Yes, of course they help and not only when they want to. My daughter is 7 yers old and she has helped since she understood what helping was all about.
She would help put the clothing into the machine when she was even three years old. Now she helps clear the table. From time to time she will help with the dishes. She sets the table. Age appropriate things, but always. I feel like children have to learn to help at home and not only when they want to because that will be never. If they are taught that to be part of a family means to help, it just becomes part of their daily life. And its very doable.
I do not believe that they will all of a sudden figure out as they get older, to help. It has to be taught to them to do that. If you start now, they can continue. If you dont even show them what needs to be done, they will grow into men that dont help at all.
Back to top

amother
Magenta


 

Post Wed, May 27 2015, 7:11 am
Yes, your kids will grow up to never lift a finger if you don't teach them now. I also never had to do much more than toss my clothes in the hamper and bring my plate to the sink. The result is that I am now an adult who is pretty much incapable of doing much more than tossing clothes in the hamper and putting dishes in the sink. I spend a lot of money on cleaning help, even though I'm a SAHM. Please teach your kids to help! It is not a burden, these are basic life skills! There is a HUGE range between what you're doing and Cinderella. Your children can and should contribute to the functioning of the household they live in and prepare for their future households. Anything less is a massive disservice, both to them and their future families.
Back to top

mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 27 2015, 8:00 am
Yes op. They will grow up spoiled and lazy and will never lift a finger. And then their wives will complain on imamother. My boys age 6 and 8 help load the laundry, set the table, help tidy up the house, clean up spills, etc.. No, they will not do it on their own. It is easier to do it by myself. But I need to teach them. That's my job. My husband didn't even know to put clothing on the hamper. He left his dirty laundry on the floor. It was quite awful.
Back to top

happybeingamom




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 27 2015, 8:09 am
Of course they help, DH and I are not their maids. They are part of a family and need to contribute to the house hold chores based on their maturity, school and social responsibilities.
Back to top

amother
Lemon


 

Post Wed, May 27 2015, 8:22 am
OP here. I get what you're all saying. That's what I've been thinking.

If you read my OP carefully though you'll see that my kids are not as spoiled as some of you make it seem. Of course they clean after themselves! Some things are non-negotiable. They must clear their plates off the table, put their laundry in the hamper, tidy their toys, make their beds, prepare their negel vasser. And of course they wipe up spills if they spilled something. So no, they will not make their wive's clean up after them.

It's things unrelated to their immediate needs that I'm talking about.

How do you implement these?
Back to top

supermom3




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 27 2015, 8:26 am
Some people have "chores" but I don't like that either. What I often do is give choices. Who wants to load the dishwasher and who wants to sweep? (and DH can get one too - the leftover choice) If one job is more desirable I actually end up with a child running to load the DW. After a while, after dinner it becomes just natural for them to load the dishwasher. Or make it games. After a Shabbos meal I pick a number. Everyone must clear 7 items from the table. Do it once but then you need more rules. 3 pieces of silverware counts as one item. Slowly you don't even need the game. They'll just help clear. Put a hamper in their room. Then it's ridiculous for them to not put their clothes in when they get undressed. They can learn to help without burdening them cause you're not the maid. Even a one time thing - One of my sons isn't a big helper but I can say "can you just take the garbage out?". It's not a daily chore and it's not his overall responsibility but he'll do it when I ask.
Back to top

Chana Miriam S




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 27 2015, 8:57 am
My son, who is 19 and on the autism spectrum is capable of doing every. Single. Thing . In . The. House.

Laundry, cleaning, cooking, cleaning kitchen, toilets etc. he also takes out garbage. Most times I have to ask but in laundry he does it when he wants clean stuff.

My daughter who is typically developing is capable but not so agreeable.

Both rarely help spontaneously but I ask for help regularly because I work full time plus.

My son is going to make a great husband someday.
Back to top

Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 27 2015, 9:24 am
It has to be a balance. I ask my kids, when you are going to be a Mommy (or Daddy if you have boys - I don't yet) do you plan on doing everything yourself? They agree that they don't. They certainly have to help out with age-appropriate jobs.

The way I see it, the "burden" of running the house should be the parents, and the children should help out. As long as it's not their responsibility to take care of the house, they are just assisting FOR THEIR OWN BENEFIT more than yours, then they will not become Cinderella.

For example, making Shabbos is my job, but I delegate some of the tasks. So I get started with cleaning the house, but they will vacuum the living room and dining room. I do much of the cooking, but they do salads, dessert, peel some veggies, roll chocolate chip cookies, one DD likes to make the chulent so I let her....it's a joint effort, with me being in charge.

When it's time to build the Succah, DH is chief, but the girls help him bring up the boards and the s'chach and helping DH put it together.


When my girls get to shidduchim, one question I will have about prospective boys is whether they helped out at home and are responsible, contributing type of household members.
Back to top

Hashem_Yaazor




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 27 2015, 9:39 am
We did rotating jobs for a while, but they kind of got stuck on ones that suited their talents/skills/interests so they've been doing the same ones for months now instead of rotating. As long as no one complains, I don't mind (also, as long as they learn how to do the others and are capable if needed -- just like I don't enjoy certain things, and my husband doesn't mind doing them instead, as long as I can step in when need be -- or vice versa -- why should we purposely do the ones that the other doesn't mind?

E.g. Erev Shabbos jobs would be vacuuming, mopping, cutting toilet paper, making lemonade, but my oldest prefers vacuuming, my third likes mopping, my fifth likes cutting toilet paper, my second likes making lemonade -- and so if my fourth is not doing anything, she will play with my baby which is also a help. It doesn't always work out like this; sometimes my fourth will make the lemonade, and my second will go around putting muktza toys high up, but there is a general sense of involvement.
Back to top

JAWSCIENCE




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 27 2015, 10:12 am
Your heart is in the right place but I think you are setting them up for potential shalom bayis problems. For boys it will be "but my mother always did the laundry and washed the dishes" or mans favorite excuse "but I don't know how". For the girls it will be "my mother always did all these things herself so if I can't manage it all by myself I am inferior" or "I have no idea how to do this." You are on the right track by having them put toys away and dishes in sink but you say they need to be nagged to put toys away and complain bitterly about it and they will not have a concept that the laundry has to get put in the machine and the dishes washed. It IS cleaning up after themselves since they made those dishes and clothes dirty! This is also a problem in homes with cleaning help and as we contemplate getting cleaning help we are wondering how to deal with this. DH feels he is lazy about cleaning because he grew up with help.

Of course it all has to be age appropriate. So a four year old can't wash dishes (much to my DDs disappointment as she is very interested in this) but a ten year old shouldn't just leave them in the sink and assume they magically arrive cleaned in the cabinet. Or that beds magically make themselves or that food magically gets from the kitchen to the table. Or the biggie - that we are polite and offer to help serve etc. at other people's homes but not our own.

What I find distasteful and placing excessive burden for the home on the kids is when kids have jobs like watching the younger kid/babysitting that is mandatory. Sure teach them how to change a diaper but they are not responsible for parenting a younger sibling. If they offer - great, but they can't be made to feel the burden of parenting too much. Also when jobs are delegated based on gender - boys can help serve just as well as girls and girls can help fix toilets (at least I did...) or when kids are given all the worst jobs. Yes it is good to teach them how to do these things but you can't make a kid responsible for doing the toilets every week.
Back to top

lfab




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 27 2015, 12:28 pm
amother wrote:
Do your kids have 'jobs' in the house? What's your take? Do you think it's right to ask kids to help in the house?

Of course they need to clean after themselves, as in putting their dirty laundry and plates in the right place, and putting away toys. I might occasionally ask them to bring me a cup of water, or collect an item from upstairs, but that's about it.

DH and I don't want the kids to feel the burden of the house. If they want to help, it's got to be on their own accord - which is never. But, I was thinking about it over Yom Tov when I realised that I was working to the bone erev y't, and then doing all the serving and clearing all on my own the entire y't...

My boys, aged 8 and 10, will never spontaneously clear or pack away toys etc. without being asked. In fact, they complain endlessly those few times that I do ask because I'm desperate.

Will they eventually start noticing what's going on when they get older? Or will they grow into men that never lift a finger? Am I right about leaving it the way it is?


It's not about making them feel the burden of the house. It's teaching them an understanding that when you are part of the family you need to help out the family. It's helping them learn to be responsible for other people. When they are little they need to be taught to clean up after themselves and be responsible for themselves (which it sounds like you kids are). The next step is teaching them to help out others. Sometimes when I ask my kids to help clean something up they'll say "but I didn't do it". I tell them "mommy didn't wear your clothes but I still wash them, and abba didn't use your dishes but he washes them. When you are part of a family sometimes you need to help do things even if the item is not yours or you didn't make the mess". I would suggest starting small-maybe one chore on erev shabbos. Then build up until there are certain tasks that they just know they are responsible for. Make them age appropriate and tailored to the child's strengths if possible.
As an aside this idea of being a team player is not only important for being part of a family but also at their future jobs. No boss wants an employee that's never willing to give a little extra and chip in for team projects. Learning to take on resposibility now will help them not be spoiled, self-centered adults.
Back to top

tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 27 2015, 1:08 pm
My father always says " you are raising your children to be adults, not children." I think it's smart to teach them as much as you can about helping others and cooperating within a household and teaching them how to cook and clean since these are skills they will need to develop when they leave home.

That said, there are no guarantees of how your children will turn out, but as parents you have to do your job. For example, my parents didn't raise me to do much in the house except I had to make my bed every morning and my husband did a lot at home and today: I do almost all the housework except my husband makes our bed, go figure!

But I don't blame my mother in law for my husband's lack of cleaning. I know it's not her fault!
Back to top

Laiya




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 27 2015, 1:09 pm
Rebbetzin Heller once said to give small prizes when they do chores--but that the trick is to do it INconsistently. Ie, no charts, no promises of rewards. She said this keeps them on their toes and enthusiastic, bec. they never know when they'll get the prize.

I guess once it becomes habit, you can phase out the prizes
Back to top

OneSource




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 27 2015, 1:37 pm
I've had to learn to allow my little ones to 'help' when I do things around the house because they started to feel left out (so my 6 year old daughter informed me, with her hands on her hips!) My 2 year old son LOVES to clean so if the windex comes out, he's demanding paper towels. Cooking for shabbos or dinner, my son and daughter LOVE to help. They race to grab stools and drag them to the counter where they both make schnitzel or help layer a lasagna. My son insists on helping with the laundry. I hand the wet items to him and he shoves them in the dryer and gets to 'slam' the door shut. In our house, helping is a treat. If you don't behave, you don't get to spend mommy-time and be a big helper. For now, this is working. Setting the table on shabbos is also a huge treat. We've had to teach the kids to share what items they get to set the table with. I usually clear w/ the husband's help because the kids have long since ran off to play.

Sometimes, it's all about perspective. Both theirs and ours. If we see it as a chore, so will they. Helping, on the other hand, makes everyone feel good.
Back to top

Miri7




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 27 2015, 1:47 pm
In our house, the kids are expected clean up after themselves, put laundry in hamper, tidy room, put their folded laundry away, and unpack and pack school lunches (we do the "main food" - the pasta or sandwich or whatever, but they do the rest, apples etc).

Our kids don't have additional set chores, but are regularly asked to: clear the table, empty dishwasher, take out and sort recycling, take out garbage, tidy up after the baby (put toys away, put tupperware back into the drawer she emptied) and then we also do a "15 minute cleanup" where everyone gets a job, or a room, to do. We often do this Friday afternoons to tidy the house before Shabbat. Kids don't help with doing laundry because I am super particular about laundry, and they can't reach up and into our washer.

We don't have any rewards, allowance, or prizes. Some weeks the kids are asked to help more than others.
Back to top

tigerwife




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 27 2015, 2:21 pm
I am forever grateful to my MIL for raising her son to be so helpful.
Back to top

amother
Lemon


 

Post Wed, May 27 2015, 3:02 pm
OneSource wrote:
I've had to learn to allow my little ones to 'help' when I do things around the house because they started to feel left out (so my 6 year old daughter informed me, with her hands on her hips!) My 2 year old son LOVES to clean so if the windex comes out, he's demanding paper towels. Cooking for shabbos or dinner, my son and daughter LOVE to help. They race to grab stools and drag them to the counter where they both make schnitzel or help layer a lasagna. My son insists on helping with the laundry. I hand the wet items to him and he shoves them in the dryer and gets to 'slam' the door shut. In our house, helping is a treat. If you don't behave, you don't get to spend mommy-time and be a big helper. For now, this is working. Setting the table on shabbos is also a huge treat. We've had to teach the kids to share what items they get to set the table with. I usually clear w/ the husband's help because the kids have long since ran off to play.

Sometimes, it's all about perspective. Both theirs and ours. If we see it as a chore, so will they. Helping, on the other hand, makes everyone feel good.


OP here. Little ones love to help, hence I didn't mention them!

My little one is always washing the banisters and doors with windex. Putting the clothes into the washing machine or dryer. My older ones used to do that when they were younger too. Sometimes even washed the dishes, set the table or folded the towels. But that was because they wanted to!

Little kids are a different ball game. Wink
Back to top

sweetpotato




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 27 2015, 3:34 pm
OP, when you give your kids (age appropriate) responsibilities in the house and family, you're not burdening them. You're giving them opportunities to develop crucial skills, self-sufficiency and self-confidence. Having them clean up their own messes is one thing, but it's still very self-focused, and it doesn't teach the same skills as contributing generally to the family and home. Cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, childcare, etc. These are all vital skills that need to be learned incrementally as kids mature. Kids develop a sense of autonomy and pride by knowing they help. But you have to push them and teach them.
Back to top

Laughing Bag!




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 27 2015, 4:26 pm
Yes my kids ages 6,4,2 all help according to their abilities. My 2 year old can loaf the pile of laundry into the front loader. My 4 year old can sort the dirty laundry into the hamper and my 6 year old can clear the table ... at the shabbos table they all help serve and clear off to their ability. I expect them to help because that's what family is about we help each others out. As they get older I let them do different things my 4 year old likes to vacuum he might not do a perfect job but he learns and often starts and I finish but he helped! Thru don't always want or do it on their own but that's part of parenting our kids they need to obey their parents even if they don't feel like it. It's not like you need to ask them to do everything or do things that are really too hard for them But it's OK to let them go out of their comfort zone.
Back to top
Page 1 of 2 1  2  Next Recent Topics




Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Saying no to kids for selfish reasons
by amother
47 Today at 7:37 am View last post
I love frum fashion for kids
by amother
124 Today at 2:23 am View last post
Disciplining other people’s kids
by amother
37 Yesterday at 11:53 pm View last post
Kids shabbos shoes affordable. Let's make a list!
by amother
63 Yesterday at 10:17 pm View last post
[ Poll ] S/o what do your kids call your dh?
by amother
24 Yesterday at 6:14 pm View last post