DD11 not invited to party, wwyd?

amother

Mistyrose

Wed, May 27 2015, 8:03 am

amother wrote:

Hmm, why do I have some hurt feelings deep down when I specifically think about childhood parties?

I am from a small city and a small class. (There were usually around 10 girls in my class. There was only one grade in the school.) Most girls made birthday parties and invited the whole class. There was one slightly wealthy (wouldn't say rich, but probably more comfortable than most of our families) popular girl who threw a party at Build a Bear and invited only some of the class. Build a Bear is expensive and I understand that the parents did want to pay for 10 Build a Bears. The girls who were invited did keep the party quiet, but eventually it came out. Now, I wasn't particularly close w/ this popular girl, but I did think it was a rude thing to do. If it was one friend, I understand, but to take half of the class and leave out the other half? Now that I am a mother, I understand this even less. B"H if my daughter is popular, but to cause other children needless pain when I could make a simpler b-day party and invite the whole class?

Now, your case really sounds different. They aren't even in the same class. If girls in your daughters circle were included but not her, it probably was an oversight, but really not a big deal b/c they're not in the same class and they're not even friends. (You said acquaintance.) But, one thing you can do is take note of your daughters feelings and encourage her in the future to think outside of the box and include others who may be forgotten about.

-A mother b/c of revealing details

OMG! Who are you to be telling people how to make a birthday party for their own kid? I have a friend who is like you upset years later because I didn't invite ALL of her ten children to my daughter's Bas Mitzvah. She claims I should have had a back yard party and included everyone. She is still ranting about this. Get over it.

BTW I didn't even invite boy cousins.

Let other people do what they want? Where is the limit?

amother

Lawngreen

Wed, May 27 2015, 8:12 am

amother wrote:

I went amother b/c I shared specific details and want to protect my privacy, but what you wrote as "amother" was rude and hurtful.

I never said anyone has to invite the world. I was talking about 5/10 kids getting invited to a party. I did not say anything about this girl inviting 1 or 2 close friends. I did not say she needed to invite the whole school Very Happy

either (my school was likely the size of your extended family).

amother

Lawngreen

Wed, May 27 2015, 10:51 am

amother wrote:

5 more kids to build a bear is expensive. It is not fair to put that expense on someone. There has to be limits drawn.

I agree with you about limits. But then I think it needs to be limited to a friend or two, not half of the class if the mother can't afford to bring another 5 kids. There are other very fun ideas that are not backyard parties that can be affordable (for someone who could afford 5 Build A Bears), that would include a class of 10.

Either way, I think most places have a norm and when the norm is done, few are insulted.

I didn't write that story to say that nobody should have fun b-day parties and that they should spend all their life savings to include every single kid that their child ever met, I just wrote it to show that these kinds of things can really hurt are not necessarily forgotten the next day. But, FTR, I can't remember the last time I remembered that story. This thread just dug up some old childhood memories.

Scrabble123

Wed, May 27 2015, 11:07 am

amother wrote:

When I was in 2nd grade my parents threw a birthday party at an elite club. You had to register guests two weeks in advance. Every single girl in my class came except for the girl who was new to the school and ended up being my best friend. I remember that she was pretty hurt, and I also remember that parents did not get involved. The Monday after my party she was behaving like a hurt kid and I walked up to her and told her something like, "Brooke, I'm sorry you weren't at my party. I'm sure we could have worked something out even if you were not registered in advanced because you were new to class (she came in the middle of the year). Let's just do something together instead." End of story, it was forgotten, we moved forward, and she was my best friend for a very long time (until she moved). We definitely said other hurtful things towards one another, but we learned to solve our own problems and look at the bigger picture every time.

BTW, this post made me think that OP could have her daughter say something similar to the birthday girl. "I heard you had a really nice party. I'm sorry I missed it, but maybe we could do something else together on the weekend?" As I commented before, it seems pretty reasonable that OP's child was not invited because her daughter appears to be an acquaintance and not even a friend, and I do not think that parents or principals should be involved in a very acceptable situation. Maybe the OP has a soft spot to this because she is used to throwing huge parties inviting everyone and anyone or because she often felt excluded? Those are things that OP should address herself as well.

*edited to add the words, "were not registered in advanced," so that the story would be better understood.

Last edited by Scrabble123 on Wed, May 27 2015, 1:26 pm; edited 2 times in total

amother

Gray

Wed, May 27 2015, 11:16 am

Rodent wrote:

I'd use it as a lesson in resilience. We won't be included in everything every time and as much as it's disappointing it's necessary for kids to learn how to handle it. People didn't do whole class parties in my day, it was a number and we had to choose. I think kids these days are a bit spoilt to be honest.

bh in my school (25 years ago) inviting your whole class to a simple at home party was the norm. (no one ever did build a bear or the like) Why bh? I was the nerdy kid who would have not been invited to any parties, more then likely. Kids often invite the most popular kids, and the same kids get excluded each time. We were not spoilt to be able to invite our whole class (15-20) girls, it was just not considered nice. One girl in my class indeed invited only a few girls, however she was from a different community and I guess her parents did not quite get this concept.

However I don't think OP should say anything about her daughter not being invited. She is neither a friend or a classmate.

Raisin

Wed, May 27 2015, 11:18 am

Scrabble123 wrote:

When I was in 2nd grade my parents threw a birthday party at an elite club. You had to register guests two weeks in advance. Every single girl in my class came except for the girl who was new to the school and ended up being my best friend. I remember that she was pretty hurt, and I also remember that parents did not get involved. The Monday after my party she was behaving like a hurt kid and I walked up to her and told her something like, "Brooke, I'm sorry you weren't at my party. I'm sure we could have worked something out even if you were registered in advanced because you were new to class (she came in the middle of the year). Let's just do something together instead." End of story, it was forgotten, we moved forward, and she was my best friend for a very long time (until she moved). We definitely said other hurtful things towards one another, but we learned to solve our own problems and look at the bigger picture every time.

BTW, this post made me think that OP could have her daughter say something similar to the birthday girl. "I heard you had a really nice party. I'm sorry I missed it, but maybe we could do something else together on the weekend?" As I commented before, it seems pretty reasonable that OP's child was not invited because her daughter appears to be an acquaintance and not even a friend, and I do not think that parents or principals should be involved in a very acceptable situation. Maybe the OP has a soft spot to this because she is used to throwing huge parties inviting everyone and anyone or because she often felt excluded? Those are things that OP should address herself as well.

I don't get it. She wasn't invited because she moved in less then two weeks before the party? Did you invite her?

Scrabble123

Wed, May 27 2015, 11:55 am

Raisin wrote:

I don't get it. She wasn't invited because she moved in less then two weeks before the party? Did you invite her?

She started school the Thursday before the party. I brought her an invitation the next day, but had mentioned that it may not work out because of registration. Either my parents called her parents to say that the club would not allow an unregistered individual or I may have called her on the phone the night before (I don't remember - but there was no parent involvement in the hurt part). While the situation was totally understandable, the girl was still understandably hurt. That is why I tried to not just brush it away with a, "My parents tried but just couldn't do it," comment and tried to just take responsibility in a way I could and form the "bigger picture" of friendship.

SRS

Wed, May 27 2015, 1:30 pm

OP, I'd take this opportunity to educate your daughter about the ways of the world and quick, before bas mitzvah parties and weddings.

*We can't expect to be invited to everything. Resources are finite. Money is one resource. Patience, time, and energy are other resources. These all go into planning any event and parents have to draw limits, even where kids want to have everyone. It isn't an easy process always and a lot of calculations go into it. You can ask your daughter to think of times where you have drawn a limit, perhaps on extracurricular activities, in the grocery store, on a vacation.

*If you want to be at the top of an invite list, you need to develop friendships that put you at the top of that invite list. If someone is just our acquaintance and we really want to be their friend, make them into a friend. Expend the effort. Don't expect people to include you when you haven't reached out to them. (I have told my own daughter this a number of times. People don't think to include you if you are a side or distant memory).

*Sometimes we need to get over it. We can help ourselves get over something by putting it into perspective, giving the benefit of the doubt, or taking a different approach.

Raisin

Wed, May 27 2015, 1:50 pm

Scrabble123 wrote:

She may have just been upset, in the way a child who broke her leg can't go to a skiing party. My kids often can't go to their friends parties for various reasons and they are not hurt at the kids, but they may be upset to miss out on the fun. I try and make it up by arranging a playdate with the birthday girl, etc.

Either way, that is nice you tried to make it up to her.