Do your kids 'help'?

bradybunch

Wed, May 27 2015, 5:14 pm

andrea levy wrote:

My son, who is 19 and on the autism spectrum is capable of doing every. Single. Thing . In . The. House.

Laundry, cleaning, cooking, cleaning kitchen, toilets etc. he also takes out garbage. Most times I have to ask but in laundry he does it when he wants clean stuff.

My daughter who is typically developing is capable but not so agreeable.

Both rarely help spontaneously but I ask for help regularly because I work full time plus.

My son is going to make a great husband someday.

My autistic teenage son also always does his own laundry when he needs it and I often point out to DH how most boys his age aren't as self-sufficient as he is.

I struggle with getting the kids to do enough around the house and I'm re-instating chores this week actually. My difficulty is largely that they have so much homework! The younger four get home at 4:30-4:45 most days and the two high school kids get out at 5:45. On top of homework the third grader gets home at 6 twice a week and has piano another day, and the first graders (who have no homework) have baseball three times a week. And we are not an activity-heavy family so I don't know how others do it!

Laughing Bag!

Wed, May 27 2015, 9:17 pm

Whenever I want my kids to do something it can be anything and they say no I'm very strict that you don't answer back like that to a parent.
However putting away toys at home is always more of a struggle I sometimes turn it into a game, picking up one color at a time, or a certain amount at a time. Sometimes I tel them to take a something to fill like the cover of the container/pail/bag/truck... and sometimes it's just worth the 10 minutes of me sitting down with them to do it together. As a Mom I've gotten very creative at times.
You need to know your kids as well, my 6 year old hates cleaning but my 4 year old enjoys it. However my 6 year old can be good at entertaining the baby or occupying the 2 year old. I try whenever possible to ask them the things they will be more willing to do. sometimes I need to use am incentive like stickers, chart, treat... kids will naturally say no but that's why we teach them when they are little.
Good luck

BabsB

Wed, May 27 2015, 9:58 pm

justforfun87 wrote:

Can someone give me advice of how to teach my three year old to help. I guess he will fetch a napkin if something spills but if he is not in the mood, he says NO! Do I give consequences? I do know that in school he clears up his toys.

To answer this and the OP - my son is four and yes, he helps. He has things we spontaneously ask of him every day. Help make the bed, pick up your room, empty the dishwasher, bring a bag of groceries in, etc. The reasons vary between "then I'll have more time to play with you" to "you are a part of this family" to "I said so."
If he says no or refuses, I pull out my stubborn bone and go head to head. (I often tell him I have been stubborn a lot longer than he has.) One of us will wait and not let him do anything else until he does the task. When he is done we praise him and remind him he would have had more time for toys if he had done what we asked in the first place.
It's slow progress but we are seeing progress.

Also, at three we started giving commissions. He has a chart with three items (now four that he is four). When he completes the item he moves a clothespin from the empty side to the side with a dollar. (This is all pictures, btw.) Every weekend he gets however many dollars he has collected. All treats, candy bars, dollar rides, whatever come from his own wallet.
But... when he does an especially nice job we also reward with things other than money. He picks the restaurant, the family board game, etc.

Hashem_Yaazor

Wed, May 27 2015, 10:06 pm

I would absolutely NOT turn helping into a power struggle!! No way, I avoid those as much as possible.

What will happen though if an expectation is not met, is that the next thing on the routine/schedule that is expected also won't be met until that help is given first.

Don't clean up? Ok, don't go outside to play until it's cleaned up.

After you do X, we will do Y.
If it takes too long, we won't have time for a bedtime story.

Make it positive.

amother

Ginger

Wed, May 27 2015, 10:12 pm

I'm the oldest girl of a large family k'h & im still resentful today about how much I "helped"! I almost feel I did more then my mom! I used to bathe & put to bed at least 6 kids every night, feed supper & I did all grocery & basically all shopping in the house. & I cleaned 2 full toilets every night! & cleaned the kitchen.... I can go on forever. Because my mom was almost always bz with a newborn most things fell on my shoulders. So it is possible that helping is a burden.

FranticFrummie

Thu, May 28 2015, 12:46 am

amother wrote:

IMHO, that is WAY too much to put on any child. {{{ hugs }}} May you be rewarded for all your efforts!

chani8

Thu, May 28 2015, 2:32 am

I agree with your shitta OP and encourage you to hold on for a few more years. I never asked my kids to help, any more than what you describe, and as adults, they practically do it all.

The oldest started helping around age 13. She's very capable now. So your sons are still young.

I do want to stress that personality type matters. Each person helps in their own way, which is not necessarily 'my way'. Some help more than others.

rosehill

Thu, May 28 2015, 6:11 am

If there are things they are interested in, try to capitalize on that.
One of my kids likes baking. She now does almost all the baking for Shabbat; not necessarily a chore I was looking to delegate.

My 7-year old discovered she likes to fold laundry. She's not terribly good at it, but I let her fold her own, and she'll get better as she gets older.

My son likes to eat caveman food, so he's in charge of the BBQing.

One of my kids doesn't like to help at all. She's always in the bathroom when it's time to clear the table, and any time I request help from her, there's a ~~negotiation~~ fight. "Why do I have to clean the bathroom? The guests aren't coming upstairs". But at other people's homes, she's super helpful, so that's something!

Chayalle

Thu, May 28 2015, 10:10 am

amother wrote:

I'm not the oldest but from a large family, and totally get this.

At the same time, I feel it would be a big mistake to go to the opposite extreme. I would not want to raise kids who are spoiled or entitled, or who can't cope with what life brings them. Chinuch is to prepare my children for the future, and it's my responsibility to help them develop skills and middos.

Balance is the name of the game.

JAWSCIENCE

Thu, May 28 2015, 10:23 am

amother wrote:

This is the type of thing I was saying is inappropriate. Helping should not include parenting. But there is a whole lot between only being responsible for putting things in the sink and raising six siblings.

amother

Saddlebrown

Thu, May 28 2015, 1:46 pm

I am from the older ones of a large family too. I am resentful of the amount I had to help out at home. And therefore I have a hard time finding a healthy balance of having children help (which I know is healthy) but not burdening them too much. Dh is the one that will usually delegate the Friday chores. I hate asking children to help.
Possibly my resentment stems from the attitude I grew up with. My default activity in the house was to help help help.(mostly boy family where the boys did almost zilch-and today they all help their wives a ton) Like playing or socializing was always at the expense of helping out.

Gitch

Thu, May 28 2015, 1:58 pm

JAWSCIENCE wrote:

OP, this is seems to sum up your query. You don't want your kids to feel responsible for running the house, I.e. being a third parent, but you do want them to learn the responsibilities of being part of a household.

IMO, you shouldn't wait until they are old enough to realize on their own, because by then their nonhelping is so so ingrained that it is hard to change. I also don't agree with paying or rewarding kids for chores - it is something all members of a family do (albeit in different degrees according to age and level of responsibility) in order to keep OUR house running.

I agree with the poster above who mentioned about two types of chores - things for yourself: taking your plate to sink, your laundry to hamper, wiping your own spill and things for the family as a whole: everyone pitching in to clean playroom, cooking something for shabbos, windexing windows etc. While its important to clean up after yourself, I think its equally important for kids to feel that they are part of a family and thus have familial responsibilities. They can also then feel a sense of pride in their accomplishments, and feel that they are necessary to the running of the house.

For example, I had a shabbos guest who once complimented how clean the windows are (wasn't weird in the context of the conversation Smile

)and I pointed out my 6 y.o. who had washed them. You can imagine how proud he was! At our shabbos meal, I often compliment to guests, they foods my 9 and 11 y.o. made.

What I do try to stop myself from doing is asking my kids to do things that I know I am asking only bec. I am lazy or tired - like running upstairs to get something for me, reading to a younger sibling bec. I'm not interested in doing it. Basically things that I would be resentful of being asked to do if the situation were reversed.

Good luck in trying to find a balance!

Gitch

Thu, May 28 2015, 5:17 pm

I want to add two more things:

1. I also want my kids to offer to help of their own accord, to see that something has to be done and offer to do it. I think kids have to be taught to do this; it is the rare kid who will get it on their own. One thing I do is, verbalize when I am helping or being kind. So if one kid is juggling the milk, bowl, spoon and trying to get the cereal as well, I will say out loud, "I can help you with that". The more often they hear this kind of language (and actions) they more they will internalize it.
I also started a new thing with my 9 and 11 y.o.s on Shabbos. When they come home from shul, they have to come ask what they can help with. They can't just run to the couch and read or do whatever until the meal starts. I explained that I am the mother, not the maid, so while I enjoy and am happy to prepare a beautiful shabbos meal, it must be a family affair. Yes, I do the bulk of the work (and s/t all of it while they are in shul), but they should offer to help as well.

2. For those of us trying to be mechanech our kids (especially our sons) to be productive adults, I think what they see their fathers doing is going to be a big indicator of what kind of spouse they will be. They might learn to help as a kid, but their expectations as to the role of the husband will be greatly influenced by your husband's role in the house.