Teen with poor hygeine

amother

Ecru

Thu, Jun 04 2015, 9:51 am

I teach high school. I have a 9th grader who is very bright but has a lot of issues, both at home and socially. She has always been rather dissheveled- wearing the same clothes a few days in a row, not so put-together, hair unbrushed, teeth unbrushed. In the last few days, I've noticed an odor from her- a BO smell mixed with a faint urine smell. I'm worried because she obviously doesn't have the self-care thing down, but a discernable odor takes it to the next level. We are all aware that there's a difficult home situation. If she were 8, social services would absolutely be involved. But she's 14 turning 15, so it's not like she needs a parent to bathe her and help her brush her teeth and hair. She's supposed to do that herself (and she's not cognitively impaired in any way, though she does have some learning disabilities). Anyway, it is very concerning, but is social services the place to turn? Should we reach out to the parents? Should someone talk to her directly? I and another teacher spoke to the principal and we were referred to the school psychologist.

amother

Papaya

Thu, Jun 04 2015, 10:05 am

What does the school psychologist say?

I grew up in a semi-dysfunctional household. My older sister taught me to shower, and to wear clean clothes (and to wash laundry - I was not in hs yet - and to hang them to dry, and iron where necessary).

Brushing my teeth was a huge struggle. To this day I have to push myself! So hard when you don't get this in your formative years.

One of my brothers had a bedwetting issue, and the Rebbe told my parents that he comes to school smelling and the boys make fun of him or keep away from him....and as a result, my father used to make sure he took a daily shower.

Just some ideas...if there's an older sibling that could help, that might be one approach. I used to make sure my younger siblings got baths, and I brushed their hair in the morning...

B"H today most of us have pretty normal, functional households.

amother

Pumpkin

Thu, Jul 09 2015, 5:27 am

If there is a teacher who has a connection with this student, I would say she should speak to her. Maybe take her out and buy her some nice things to wear in school. I had an 8th grader that sounds similar to your student and that's what I did. I spoke to her like the beautiful human that she is. We went to Target and bought cute pencil cases and supplies and I managed to get her lightly used uniforms from the office that were in great condition. She slowly started to feel much better about herself and the girls started treating her differently. She has a way to go but this was a start at least!

amother

Teal

Thu, Jul 09 2015, 5:38 am

Thank you forwriting this. I am watching a relative's family grow up somewhat similarly, and I am glad to know that bez"H they will be okay. I see the oldest is working on dressing herself and siblings well, clean and neat and in style, all a change since she grew up. (She is only in 9th grade now). It is a situation where I cannot really get involved. Can I just ask who taught your older sister these things? I would love to say something to her about deodorant, but I am not sure how. (Her mother does not use it.)

amother wrote:

chani8

Thu, Jul 09 2015, 9:19 am

First and foremost, someone needs to develop a relationship with this girl. Nobody knows how to deal with this because nobody knows her well enough. That's sad.

How did she get this far being unnoticed? Is she new to the school? New to the community?

Social services sounds like a good idea, to me. Someone needs to see what's happening inside the home.

amother

Chocolate

Thu, Jul 09 2015, 9:40 am

Its hard to call my home dysfunctional but when I was growing up things were similiar with me.
My mother is a sort of geek and does not get social norms. top that off with her being completely clueless with how to run a home and add major life upheavals and tons of babies to the mix.
oh and wait for the cherry on top put a father who will not spend a dime unless it is desperately necessary.
my uniform shirts were DIRTY. my mother had no idea how to do laundry. and nobody was gonna buy me new ones.
My hair was always CRAWLING with lice. yup crawling. visible bugs. (this is in israel)
my socks had visible holes and runs
and I was lucky if my non uniform clothing were not older than 1892
nobody taught me about showering, changing socks, deoderant, forget makeup and perfume
But as I got older I taught myself everything, I lost weight, I learnt about makeup and fasion. and I moved away from the old places I lived in.
nobody would believe me is me.
somebody once asked me if I have a sister named ________(my name).
my mother has since recognized that in some way she and my sibs look different and more disheveled than the people around her. she has gone to classes and made lots of headway.

seeker

Thu, Jul 09 2015, 8:39 pm

Does the girl have friends? If so, perhaps try working with them. If not, perhaps you can orchestrate with different mature, sensitive girls in the class. Mostly for education; if there are emotional issues why she can't take care of herself I doubt there is anything you can do about it and referring to the school counselor was the right idea. But I have seen in my own teen days that friends can really be a good resource for each other. There's the gentle-but-direct approach, or they can also just "happen" to have "casual" conversations about self-care topics at the right times when this girl is with them. Like "Ugh, this weather makes me so sweaty I can't go a day without showering!" or "I'm so tired, I was up late last night washing my shirts because I couldn't find one without stains to wear today." or "I love the way you smell today, which deodorant are you wearing?" or the like. I have seen this done spontaneously by some very perceptive young teens but maybe you could encourage it to happen.

rowo

Thu, Jul 09 2015, 8:54 pm

Seeker - Ive also seen teenage girls do that with a bit of a nasty edge to it. So it's a fine line to tread. And if she doesn't have the resources to go and buy that nice smelling deodorant, she's still stuck.
I agree that the school counsellor is probably the best way to go. It sounds like she was never shown appropriate personal hygiene practices and now that she's getting older and more developed its becoming more of an issue. If this is the situation at home, there are likely other issues as well and someone with training in the area is the best person to talk to her.

I do remember at a certain stage in school we did have a workshop or two about personal hygiene as we got older, how the needs of a developing body change and you need to be aware of that. From your skin becoming oilier, to shaving under your arms, to needing to change clothes regularly, having a spare pad or tampon around just in case etc etc

amother

Orange

Thu, Jul 09 2015, 10:47 pm

U can buy a book for her to read. I saw someone had it and it's brilliant. Some people need to learn but have no guidance. Here is a name of a book (amazon) The Care and Keeping of You: The Body Book for Younger Girls. And Im sure there are books for older girls as well if necessary.