Asked by teacher whether child being molested

amother

Brunette

Wed, Jun 03 2015, 12:50 pm

Has anyone ever been asked whether their child was being molested? Why was this suspected? (Sorry but not disclosing any details.) However, I feel that the question wasn't warrented. Any experiences anyone wants to share

morah

Wed, Jun 03 2015, 1:04 pm

That is way out of line! Aside from the fact that not every concern needs to jump that far, there are better ways to ask a parent what's going on. "I have noticed Baruch has lately been [insert concerning pattern/behavior]. Has there been some sort of change in his life? Has something upsetting occurred? Please let me know so we can help Baruch get back on track." The "change" could be a move, a new medication, childcare situation, or other change in routine. Something upsetting could be an illness or death in the family or, yes, it could be molestation. But there's no reason to state that possibility outright. It is inappropriate ( and it would be equally inappropriate to ask if anyone has died lately. Just keep it.generic). Did the teacher mention any concerning behavior, or just ask this question out of the blue? If the former, I do think you owe the teacher some explanation or reassurance that it's being dealt with. If the latter, ask for an explanation- what is happening at school that led her to thing something serious is going on?

amother

Orange

Wed, Jun 03 2015, 1:21 pm

Yes. It was the principal not the teacher and I think they were one step away from calling the police. shock

It was all based on a huge misunderstanding of something my daughter had said. She told her friend that our neighbor pulled his pants down. The friend told her mother who immediately called the school. As I'm sure some of you are already guessing the neighbor was a two year old boy with a penchant for stripping in public LOL

(my daughter was 8, she thought this was hilarious so had shared with her bff)
Somehow this translated into the principal thinking my daughter was being molested. I can laugh about it now but it made for a scary couple of hours until I talked to my daughter.

black sheep

Wed, Jun 03 2015, 1:32 pm

amother wrote:

it sounds like you were insulted by the question. it is very possible that the teacher did not ask in a gentle or sensitive manner. however, it would be much better to be open to the discussion than to shut it down because you didn't like the manner it was asked or even the fact that it was suspected. instead of deciding if the question was warranted, how about asking the teacher to elaborate, to explain why she suspects, and to share her observations? you might find that she is wrong, but you might find that she is not wrong and you might save a child.

Miri7

Wed, Jun 03 2015, 2:12 pm

On the one hand - good for the school being alert to these issues.

BUT they seems to have jumped the gun a little. A quick call to say "we heard this story from your DD's friend and wanted to make sure you are aware. Can you tell us more about this?"

At which point you say "yes, the neighbor is 2 years old and likes to strip."

I would not be insulted. Sounds like they were well intentioned but a little alarmist. I'm glad they followed up!

ETA: thanks, Morah for pointing out that I'd confused the amothers and that the stripping toddler isn't OP. I would call to discuss the specific behaviors that caused the Morah to become concerned. Part of being alert to potential abuse is following up on things that turn out to be nothing in the end.

Last edited by Miri7 on Wed, Jun 03 2015, 6:18 pm; edited 1 time in total

Ruchel

Wed, Jun 03 2015, 2:23 pm

If you react too strongly they may be even more suspicious. Just go "LOL! oh yes, the little neighbour toddler".

I have a story about physical abuse...

My dd8 is like me, very fair skin and very easily bruises (+ she's kah a trooper, she can have a huge bruise and not know how it happened!). Once she was sleep over at my parents and she had a stomach bug so they called the emergency home visit. They sent a doc who was like "omg she has bruises!" and started playing Sherlock to know if it was my parents, us, or at school Mad

refusing to listen that DD said no one hits her (small class, separated non co ed recess, her fav teacher supervises girl recess!).

I even called Mati's teacher on the way home because I was so hysterical about it. Long story short, teacher took it seriously, investigated, and maybe it's an angle on her desk... or not... But I was thankful they took it seriously, even the doctor. In the end.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Jun 03 2015, 5:03 pm

morah wrote:

Ladies, the color system was implemented for a reason. The stripping toddler is not OP! Just thought I'd point that out. Carry on.

Thanks, I hadn't noticed that either. I'm still getting used to looking (or not) at the colors.

Need more coffee ---> coffee

I had CPS called on me once, because my daughter was insisting that she was "starving, and there's nothing to eat in the house."

My kid will live on cake, cookies, candy, plain pasta, and plain rice if I let her. I insist that she eat a fruit, a veggie, and some protein at least once a day, and she hates it. Her idea of "no food in the house" means nothing SHE'S in the mood for. (She's also "bored" when she has a million toys and an iPad.)

I showed the CPS worker a kitchen stocked full of healthy, nutritious foods and plenty of healthy snack options, and a letter from DD's doctor saying that she was at a perfect height and weight. Thankfully, the CPS worker was a really sweet woman, and totally understood what was really going on.

I'm happy that she came out, of course. Still, it was unbelievably nerve wracking to have my home inspected like that. I'm not the tidiest of housekeepers, and I was terrified that I was going to get hauled off to jail if there was a dust bunny and a few Lego under my sofa.

ora_43

Thu, Jun 04 2015, 6:08 am

morah wrote:

But there's no reason to state that possibility outright.

I think it would be appropriate to mention that possibility as one possible reason why a child could be behaving a certain way. Like, if a child is trying to s-xually touch other kids, it would be good to mention that molestation is a possible cause of that kind of behavior.

But yeah, otherwise I totally agree with what you said. Asking outright is just weird - if a kid is being molested on an ongoing basis, obviously the parent either doesn't know, or is complicit, and the question is absurd either way (and if the kid was molested in the past, it's inappropriate for the teacher to put the parent in the position to have to either tell them something that isn't their business, or lie).

Ema of 5

Thu, Jun 04 2015, 7:18 am

morah wrote:

How can you know it was way out of line if you don't know what the concern was or how it was asked? You don't know the situation and you don't know the conversation leading up to the question....I'm pretty sure the school, or whomever called, didn't just say "hi this is xxxx, is your child being molesred?"

morah

Thu, Jun 04 2015, 7:29 am

eema of 3 wrote:

If there are serious red flags, the teacher should be going straight to the police, no passing Go. If it is not at that point, there is little good to come from specifying the worst case scenario.

rowo

Thu, Jun 04 2015, 7:44 am

I think (I hope) most institutions have protocols and methods in place for dealing with situations. I don't think an individual teacher would just turn straight to the police because they have some suspicions.

Op - you didn't give much info. But I think in today's climate people are tending towards being over-cautious rather than letting things slide. I think we need to find the balance, but as a mother I think I prefer hyper vigilance.

If you have a problem with how it was handled you could speak to the principal.

ora_43

Thu, Jun 04 2015, 8:06 am

rowo wrote:

But if a child is being molested, there's a disturbingly high chance that the parent is the molester. So I certainly hope that going to the parent wouldn't be the only step, if a teacher had reason to be suspicious.

Ema of 5

Thu, Jun 04 2015, 9:57 am

morah wrote:

If there are serious red flags, the teacher should be going straight to the police, no passing Go. If it is not at that point, there is little good to come from specifying the worst case scenario.

First, it was the principal not the teacher. And again, we have no idea how the question was posed, or at what point in the conversation it came up.

rowo

Thu, Jun 04 2015, 10:02 am

ora_43 wrote:

I'm hoping it would involve more senior members of the org, school counsellors etc. People trained in dealing with these unfortunate situations.
If the perpetrator is not known, what would they be telling the police?
There are mandatory reporting laws, the authorities must be notified if there is a real issue. But I don't think its as simple as calling the local police station because of a suspicion.

morah

Thu, Jun 04 2015, 10:29 am

eema of 3 wrote:

First, it was the principal not the teacher. And again, we have no idea how the question was posed, or at what point in the conversation it came up.

You're mixing up 2 posts. The op said it was a teacher. You are correct that we don't know how the conversation went. Even so, there are ways to construct it so we're not ringing alarm bells. A different anon poster related a tale where the principal called, and it turned out to be something completely innocuous, even humorous, so clearly an example of why it was overkill. The principal could have asked "your daughter related something about a neighbor and inappropriate behavior. Do you rknow anything about that?" And then the mother could have said, oh that's their two year old. Putting it that way rather than point blank asking "is your neighbor molesting your child" could have avoided the problems mentioned in that post.