Live-in Nanny: my expectations too high or warning signs?

shooting star

Fri, Jun 05 2015, 1:01 am

A bit of a rant but...

In the past I had a live-out Nanny for about 8 months. She had worked in Canada for several years and after about a month I felt like she was in a good routine, could follow directions (as long as they were specific) and my son was safe.

I couldn't afford to keep someone at a 30+k salary a year so decided to try a Live-in (citizen sponsorship) option. Since I work from home and don't get Maternity leave because I'm a contractor.

I expected some language issues and lots of training but it's been almost 3 months and my Nanny can't follow simple directions and doesn't seem to understand how to handle anything that is slightly outside the routine...including safety concerns.

We have one child and I'm not particularly strict about housework as long as the place is relatively tidy at the end of the day and by Friday night the house is clean (not spotless) with laundry finished.

The routine has got better but it was a real struggle at first. When I left a list of to-do tasks for the day (it was around Pesach) they didn't get completed and at 5:30 the Nanny would ask my husband if he was watching our son then she would immediately run out to go meet friends/family. When this was happening he didn't realize that the work wasn't completed earlier and it would occur when I was in the bathroom or on a work call so I would come back and find out after. Eventually we were able to re-align the expectations that if we leave a list it needs to get completed or if there is an issue to with not enough time to let me know.

Now I'm finding that the Nanny is almost never starting on time. I don't mind if some days she starts 5 min late but I can't recall the last time she was actually on time. It's typically 7-15 min late. On it's own I'd let it go but lunches seem to be getting longer too. I think she's usually in her room for about 40 min. For now this might work but we are expecting a second child so I don't think that can realistically continue.

However, the worst part is that I just don't feel my son is safe with her. She doesn't seem to understand the overall concept of safety so I need to predict every situation and remind her. For example, the other day she decided to leave our toddler on the front porch while she turned her back to him and put the stroller inside the door. She knows she's not supposed to leave him unattended but I'm guessing that in her mind that was ok because it was just for a second. My son runs fast and he could have darted into the street. I'm repeatedly reminding her of this (although she knows this more than at first).

The other day my son went hungry almost all day because he was fussy with lunch and didn't eat it. She didn't tell me or my husband (who also telecommutes) just gave him an apple and took him to the park for the afternoon (where she meets the other Nannies). When he was brought home at almost 5pm he was screaming and screaming so as soon as I could step away from work I asked him if he was hungry and he told me he was. I then found out that he hadn't had more than an apple all day and he was crying for more apple at the park before she brought him home. Even with all of the screaming she had just tried to distract him rather than messaging me for help.

Is it just more training needed and time to adjust to the language barrier? Or time start looking for a new Nanny?

Opinions?

amother

Burgundy

Fri, Jun 05 2015, 1:58 am

I would start to look for another nanny. She doesnt sound like she is too interested in taking care of a toddler and how will she be with a fussy crying baby?

shooting star

Fri, Jun 05 2015, 2:12 am

Just to clarify, she does seem to genuinely care about my son. In her own way. Loves to play with him and hug him. I want to be fair about the positives.

imaima

Fri, Jun 05 2015, 2:24 am

shooting star wrote:

Just to clarify, she does seem to genuinely care about my son. In her own way. Loves to play with him and hug him. I want to be fair about the positives.

So she wants all the fun and none of the trouble. I call it immature.

abound

Fri, Jun 05 2015, 2:44 am

new nanny

Benevolence

Fri, Jun 05 2015, 5:23 am

New nanny.

imasinger

Fri, Jun 05 2015, 6:38 am

New nanny.

If you had said that your expectations were for an immaculate home and a child who never whined for treats, I might wonder at your expectations.

But you expect her to be on time, complete a chore list of reasonable length or tell you why, not overextend her lunch breaks, give your kid enough food, and be sure not to turn her back in unsafe moments on a toddling escape artist.

The food bit is possibly a style difference. Sometimes, some believe, if a child refuses a reasonable lunch, it is a good idea to have them wait until dinner rather than giving them snacks. A few times of learning to associate meal refusal with hunger can make a happier, healthier child.

BUT.

This MUST be discussed and worked out together. The wishes of the parent are foremost. It's hard to imagine that the subject or circumstance hasn't come up before. Has she seen you offer DS a different healthy meal alternative? Did you ever talk about it?

There should not be surprises of this magnitude after several months.

You can and should be able to find a better fit.

STMommy

Fri, Jun 05 2015, 9:12 am

Another vote for new nanny. She lacks common sense. You can't teach it to her. Love does not make up for lack of seichel. That's the problem you're running into.

Sake

Fri, Jun 05 2015, 10:03 am

Did she come from an agency? Maybe there is someone who can help you with translation and start a proper course correction or proper termination.

musicmom

Fri, Jun 05 2015, 11:39 am

I am glad she loves your son. Obviously, safety concerns are important and could happen to anyone. As for the housework, it is really difficult to get that done while watching a child. I have noticed that some people are just better at multitasking than others. Add to that, your concern that your nanny does not have normal common sense about packing food for the park... I would find someone else!

shooting star

Fri, Jun 05 2015, 1:01 pm

imasinger wrote:

New nanny.

The food bit is possibly a style difference. Sometimes, some believe, if a child refuses a reasonable lunch, it is a good idea to have them wait until dinner rather than giving them snacks. A few times of learning to associate meal refusal with hunger can make a happier, healthier child.

BUT.

This MUST be discussed and worked out together. The wishes of the parent are foremost. It's hard to imagine that the subject or circumstance hasn't come up before. Has she seen you offer DS a different healthy meal alternative? Did you ever talk about it?

There should not be surprises of this magnitude after several months.

You can and should be able to find a better fit.

I can understand a certain amount of confusion with the food issue. However, I've never told her it's ok to have my son actually skip a meal. He's only 22 months and too thin for that right now so we don't do that. I've showed her different feeding tactics and told her if it's really tough to have him play for about 10 min then try again. On the few occasions when that hasn't worked we have always provided another food alternative.

I was busy at work I'm guessing she didn't want to interrupt me I can understand that. She has the ability to text me but I hadn't specifically told her to so ok, I can stretch to understand that too. What really doesn't make sense is she saw my husband shortly after and didn't mention anything was wrong with lunchtime. Just decided on her own there was no issue and took him to the park with an apple. At least she did that.

shooting star

Fri, Jun 05 2015, 1:03 pm

STMommy wrote:

Another vote for new nanny. She lacks common sense. You can't teach it to her. Love does not make up for lack of seichel. That's the problem you're running into.

Those are my thoughts too. However, I've been told this issue is quite common and good training can help.

shooting star

Fri, Jun 05 2015, 1:06 pm

Sake wrote:

Did she come from an agency? Maybe there is someone who can help you with translation and start a proper course correction or proper termination.

Yes she came from an agency.

No, unfortunately they don't help with translation.

They had told me it usually takes about 3-4 months for the Nanny to adjust and understand English well enough.

The agency would find another Nanny but it's about a 9 month wait and then another airplane ticket so I can't say I'm jumping at the opportunity for replacements.

momofqts

Fri, Jun 05 2015, 1:15 pm

Its an investment of money and time but worth it!

shooting star

Fri, Jun 05 2015, 1:25 pm

musicmom wrote:

Thank G-d she did pack an apple for the park which was good. Big positive there.

However, she doesn't seem to grasp how much and often a child needs to eat in a day.

The job really does require multi-tasking and but I think that can improve with time, practice and experience. She's already better than she was at first.

However, I don't think that's why the housework wasn't getting done. For example, there was one day that she didn't get our son dressed all morning and she kind of hung around in her PJs all day. I know people have bad work days from time-to time. Ok. But in the last hour of the day she raced to somewhat complete the tasks from the list and then was about to leave. I caught her in time and asked her to finish the task list which only took about an additional 30 min.

We found that after she ran into those consequences her housework performance significantly improved so that she would get more done earlier in the day.

FranticFrummie

Fri, Jun 05 2015, 11:14 pm

OP, has your son ever bolted before? Is he known to escape every chance he gets? If so, then I would be concerned.

On the other hand, if he stands nicely and waits to get inside the house, and she knows this about him from experience, then I don't see what the problem is. Can you clarify?

I'm also wondering, with the economy so bad and so many Americans still out of work, why do you feel that you need to hire someone from another country, and deal with the language issues on top of everything else?

shooting star

Mon, Jun 08 2015, 10:31 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

OP, has your son ever bolted before? Is he known to escape every chance he gets? If so, then I would be concerned.

Yes. Not at every chance but yes, enough times. Talked to the nanny about it previously with regards to going in the front yard. She also has experience with him running fast and "getting into things" when inside the house.

FranticFrummie wrote:

I'm also wondering, with the economy so bad and so many Americans still out of work, why do you feel that you need to hire someone from another country, and deal with the language issues on top of everything else?

Hiring an American would also be hiring someone from another country for me. I'm not in the US, I'm in Canada. As far as not hiring local to Canada, had said that I can't afford the 30k+ salary for a live-out (those would be the local nannies). And even then, many are not actually citizens yet, they are just on an open work permit (or some just got citizenship). Very few English as a first language Canadians with experience apply for Nanny jobs in my area. It's common for people I know to hire Nannies from abroad.