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Forum -> Hobbies, Crafts, and Collections -> The Imamother Writing Club
Wings



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amother
Mauve


 

Post Wed, Jun 03 2015, 12:33 pm
wings.

Once upon a time.
The world was young
The horizon was calling my name
The skies were clear the stars were bright
And I had wings.

Once upon a time
The wind was strong
The cliff was steep
The sea was roaring it’s wave up at me
And I had wings.

I jumped into empty air
And flapped my way up.
I built myself a home
of silky black and moonbeams
I lived with twinkling stars.

Then I fell.
The world grew old.
I lost sight of the horizon
My home is bricks and mortar
White washed walls and doors of wood.
I lost my wings
And I live
ever after.

-----------------

O.k, so I used to write a lot and I think I was pretty good at some point but I haven't written anything real in a long time.
I wrote this really quickly and did very little rewriting.
I can't tell if it's any good or not. It reads kinda juvenile to me but I can't figure out how to make it better. I'm a little embarrassed Which is why I'm posting anon, but I really want your constrictive criticism.
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nanny24/7




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 10 2015, 10:02 pm
this is amazing! I love it! and it really has good poem structure too - if this is what you call your "no good" writing I would love for you to post your "good" ones! you really have talent!
as far as constructive criticism I think this paragraph needs editing to improve the sound/ring to it - like it should have more one-syllable only words like the rest of the poem does - the lines feel a bit too long - doesn't have as wonderful of an abrupt "ring" to it like the other paragraphs

I jumped into empty air
And flapped my way up.
I built myself a home
of silky black and moonbeams
I lived with twinkling stars.
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Iymnok




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 11 2015, 12:04 am
Replace flapped with flew or soared?
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amother
Mauve


 

Post Thu, Jun 11 2015, 8:57 am
Op here, thanks so much for the input!
I did some rewriting:

wings.

Once upon a time,
The world was young.
The horizon was calling my name.
The skies were clear the stars were bright,
And I had wings.

Once upon a time,
The wind was strong.
The cliff was steep.
The sea was roaring up at me,
And I had wings.

I jumped into empty air.
I soared.
unburdened, ungirdled.
unhinged?
I built a home of silky black and moonbeams.
I twinkled with stars.

Then I fell.
The world grew old.
I lost sight of the horizon
My home is bricks and mortar
White washed walls and doors of wood.
I lost my wings
And I live
ever after.
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