Funny jokes/skits - plz help

baschabad

Sun, Jun 21 2015, 3:25 pm

Is it time yet? Ppl sitting on bench with one leg crossed, ask down the line"is it time yet?" Until they all switch legs.

Sitting on the invisible bench. Ppl come to join and sit on invisible bench until s/o says there's no bench and they all fall over.

Girl taste the chocolate cake batter and dies... There's a script and then the director keeps correcting them, more sad, more funny, more serious...

Grandmother is coming to visit, the family has no couch. Mother puts blanket over kids on hands and knees, grandma is sitting on"couch", says she has candy for kids and they all jump up knocking her over.

I can explain more in detail if you want.

amother

Royalblue

Sun, Jun 21 2015, 7:53 pm

baschabad wrote:

Thanks!! Can you explain the first and third in a bit more detail?
Thanks!

baschabad

Sun, Jun 21 2015, 8:27 pm

Is it time yet?

A bunch of people sit in a row with one leg crossed over the other. (all of them the same leg.) on one end, the first person asks the person next to them, "is it time yet?" The next person shrugs/says they don't know and asks the person next to them.... All the way down the line until the last person looks at their watch and says "no." They say "no" all the way back down the line. Wait a few seconds and repeat the question and the answer"no." You do it as many times as you want until the last person says "it's time!" They excitedly say it's time down the line and then all switch the crossed leg together. (they can count together out loud so that they do it in unison.)
I remember this skit from way back so I might be mixing it up!
I think the point of it is that they're so bored...
In any case, the punch line is great for any theme. "it's time to learn Torah!" Or whatever you want.

baschabad

Sun, Jun 21 2015, 8:49 pm

Chocolate cake skit:
Mother is stirring bowl.
Girl comes in: Hey mom, watcha cooking?
Mom: Chocolate cake.
Girl: Mmm. Looks good. (sniffs) smells good (pretends to lick) tastes... (faints on the floor)
Mom: Dr Rick! Please come quick! My girl was at the door. Now she's on the floor! Hurry hurry, such a worry.
Dr comes in and listens to girls heartbeat. "sorry ma'am, your daughter's dead."

Director cuts in saying. "no no no , do it more (blank)."

For example, sad. So ALL the actors say their lines in tears, sobbing and sniffing.
Happy - they all laugh uproariously through the lines.
Loud, soft, fast, slow, expressive,
Etc.
In camp they said "gan yisroel style" and they did it very fun/upbeat with lots of ruach.
It's also easy to apply to any theme. Eg. We can do mitzvos being bored and slow or happy and eagerly.

mirror

Mon, Jun 22 2015, 1:07 am

This is from a joke book of Jewish Humor.

“Jacob Rappaport,” announced the judge, “for breaking into a house in the middle of the night, I sentence you to two years in prision.”
“But your honor,” pleaded Rappaport, “last time I was in court you sentenced me to a year in jail for breaking into a house during the day! If not in middle of the night, and not in middle of the day, just when am I supposed to earn my living?”

Shadchan: “Have I got a girl for you! She comes with a dowry of ten thousand rubles.”
Young man: “That sounds fascinating. Let me see her picture.”
Shachan: “Sorry, but with a ten-thousand ruble dowry we never show pictures.”

“Shadchan, you told me a deliberate lie, “ a prospective groom complained. “I’m surprised, a man of your age and background!”
“I lied? What are you talking? She isn’t beautiful by you? She doesn’t have excellent manners and isn’t a high school graduate? She doesn’t sing like a knight in a gale? So where did I lie?”
“You told me that her father was dead. That’s where you lied! The girl told me herself that he’s been in prison for the last ten years.”
“Nu, I ask you,” countered the broker, “do you call that living?”

A group of prosperous businessmen were dining at the Sam’s Hotel in Oy Vegas.
“Seems to me you are getting a little slimmer,” remarked one.
“I should be!” replied the other. “I went on one of those high protein diets. Nothing but expensive steaks and chops. And would you believe it? In just two weeks I lost thirty dollars.

“Lady,” insisted the corner grocer, “these are the best eggs we’ve had for months.”
“Then keep them,” snapped the customer. “Who needs eggs you’ve had for that long?”

The stylish dressed lady stopped at Tabatchnik’s fish stand and examined his stock. After handling the fish for some time the lady started to walk away.
“Why don’t you buy my fish?” asked Tobatchnik. “Don’t you like them?”
“I certainly don’t, they smell.”
“You can’t talk that way about my merchandise,” retorted Tabachnik.
“It’s not the fish you’re smelling. It’s me.”

A Jewish couple were dining out one evening at the neighborhood delicatessen, when they were amazed to have a Chinese waiter approach to take their order. To their added astonishment, the suave oriental addressed them in perfect Yiddish.
As soon as he disappeared into the kitchen they motioned to the proprietor. “A Chinese waiter in a Jewish Delicatessen!” exclaimed the man. “And not only that, but he also talks in Yiddish. How come?”
The proprietor looked around and put his finger to his lips.
“Shhhh” he whispered. “He thinks I’m teaching him English.”