Financial situation has changed. How to talk to kids?

amother

Khaki

Thu, Jun 25 2015, 12:55 am

My oldest is 9. We have 4 in school. Up until now we were blessed to have someone cover school tuition completely. That source has suddenly disappeared and we are flipping out a bit trying to figure out how to come up with all this money. One child is special needs and that child's tuition is equal to the other 3 kids' tuition. So it's like coming up with 6 tuition payments for this coming school year. When we were previously making zero.

I am sure we will figure something out. DH makes a decent living and I have returned to work so I'm bringing in some cash too now.

But even so clearly cuts are going to have to be made. Cleaning help, gone. Extracurricular activities for kids, gone. Vacations, gone.

I am not looking for sympathy. I know some people never had cleaning help, extracurricular activities for their kids and vacations. And I know we were lucky to have the financial help while it lasted.

What I am looking for is a way to explain changes to kids without causing them any fear or worry or anxiety. (I don't mean explain the details about tuition but rather the absence of the housekeeper, lack of music lessons, etc.). Also I feel so awful that they are having to stop all their lessons (piano, dance, etc.). Is there a way to let them know this is happening without crushing them?

seeker

Thu, Jun 25 2015, 1:29 am

That must be so difficult for you!
I'm going to be a little bold here and suggest that you find a way to NOT completely stop all of the things your kids are used to. I think after explaining something about the circumstances they should be able to adjust to more chores (no hired help), less/cheaper vacations (you don't notice the absence as much of something that's only done once in a while anyway. You're basically just doing the same stuff you were doing the day before.) But if a child has a hobby, is learning a skill, probably has some social life and self-concept going on there, I don't think it's wise to take it away just like that. Maybe if they currently have a very full extracurricular schedule then you could talk to them about cutting down, choosing one or two most important ones. Just like in tzedakah you are supposed to support the person's previous standard of living, I think the same concept (though practically it won't be the same actual policy) applies to your own children. To completely switch to a totally different lifestyle will probably be very traumatic for them. Obviously this is extremely stressful and overwhelming for you and you're looking to cut whatever you can, but you'll have to judge for yourself how much your kids can handle. I think if I had a kid who was taking and enjoying, say, art lessons, I would sooner take out a loan for that to continue rather than make them give that up at the same time as having an overall adjustment in living standards. I don't know, maybe for other families or individuals different things would take priority. But I don't think you can cut EVERYTHING at once with kids that age.

MagentaYenta

Thu, Jun 25 2015, 1:33 am

I'd explain a revenue stream has dried up and we need to cut back on some extras. This doesn't necessarily mean no more vacations, but different types of vacations (family camping etc.). Same with extra activities, city parks and rec. often have a wide offering of activities for kids, and Boys and Girls clubs have great after school programs (robot building, team sports, craft circles). The costs for this, if any are minimal. Don't make these changes so draconian, make it more like a shift. Get him involved in choosing which activities he may want to shift to. I wouldn't lay it all on him at once, but introduce the changes incrementally.

We farmed, our kids got used to good times and bad times until profits leveled out and became more regular. None were traumatized by it, it was just our life.

SRS

Thu, Jun 25 2015, 9:17 am

I am going to think about some good advice for you beyond some initial thoughts. Going from not being responsible to tuition to 6 tuition equivalents would be shocking to the system. Most people build up and cut back along the way, not have it all foisted upon them.

I personally would try to save some extracurricular activities for the children if they are getting a lot out of them and sacrifice vacations and cleaning help, neither of which I view as particularly necessary. The kids can know that things have changed and to keep some extracurriculars (might have to be different activities or outings), that they will need to take over the cleaning as their way of pitching in. If they love these activities, they will be motivated to step up to the plate.

Do NOT take a loan (advice above). Just don't. You will dig yourself a hole that is not temporary. Debt will only make a financial situation worse.

Also, kids can do extracurricular activities without the instruction. If they have had the piano instruction and you have the piano, there is no reason that they cannot sit down and practice. Perhaps you have a neighbor with some skills who would be willing to come for a 20 minute listen and give some guidance in exchange for something you can do like take her baby while she runs some errands. You should also find out what is out there for them at a different price point. Look in areas that are more heavily minority because you might be surprised to find low cost or even free programs. Find out if your public schools allow private or homeschooled children in the district to participate in any activities like an after school ballet club.

Don't worry about crushing the kids. People undergo hardship. The housekeeper probably is something they can get used to immediately. And they might not value vacations as you do. Plus, you can replace vacations with staycations or short driving trips. They might surprise you with ideas of their own on how to save money and become participants in it like by helping with inexpensive cooking.

amother

Lime

Thu, Jun 25 2015, 10:57 am

Kids are resilient at that age and adjust. We went from 3 large exotic vacations a year to none this last year. I have older children and it is no big deal. The kids ask and we tell them we are not traveling this yontiff.

I think it will be harder on you going from SAHM with help to working full time without help and managing 4 children with one having special needs.

It is easy to tell the kids things changed. Personally, I share the details of money with my kids and why we make certain choices. I don't share with them what we have in the bank. You need to explain it in a level you are comfortable with.

I agree with not going into debt and I hope you put money aside.

lfab

Thu, Jun 25 2015, 12:23 pm

I think the most important thing is to reassure them that you will still have money for the things that you need (ie. food, clothes, a place to live) while letting them know that you are going to have to be more careful about spending on extras. It's not necessary to go into specifics with them. The conversation can go something like this: "Sweetie, this year some unexpected expenses have come up and we're going to have to make some changes. Abba/Daddy/Totty and I don't want you to be worried because B"H we are able to buy all the things that we need. However, we may need to make some changes, for example we're no longer going to have cleaning help so we're going to need you to help pitch in with some chores." You just don't want them to get anxiety that they won't have food to eat or a place to live.
Depending on how observant your children are there are many changes you can make to save money that they probably won't even notice. For example cook cheaper foods, make meals that only need small amounts of meat/chicken (like meat sauce with pasta) or use beans for a cheap protein. If you usually buy new clothes for you kids each season try to buy mostly used clothes and only replace clothes if really needed. If possible try to even find people giving away clothes for free. If they ask about vacations it's fairly to easy to brush off by telling them that you can't go anywhere this year because of your work schedule, etc. and just do a few fun but cheap activities near home.
Another possibilty, obviously this would also largely depend on if you rent or own, but if you rent you home can you downsize a little and move somewhere cheaper to help save money? Maybe moving to what's considered a less desireable neighborhood that's not as centrally located can get you a similiar sized home for less money, or move somewhere smaller within the same neighborhood. Kids don't need to know the reason for you move. Hatzlacha and I hope everything works out for you.

yaeli83

Thu, Jun 25 2015, 12:25 pm

I was always told, that you have to make the kids feel like they have, even when you don't.

Kids will only feel despair about finances if you do. So, try to make as little a deal of it as possible. Tell the kids you don't think you need as much cleaning help right now, and that you can save money for other important things, if the kids pitch in to help out a bit.

Let them keep one or two activities if possible, or suggest new ones, that are less expensive. (they don't need to know it's less expensive).

Go away one time in the summer, somewhere driving distance and find the cheapest reasonable place to stay. Bring along your own food, and find free activities, like hiking, beach, parks etc.

Do your schools provide schalorship? Maybe you qualify for something.

Butterfly07

Thu, Jun 25 2015, 12:53 pm

Coming from a home where we did not have much, aside from each other: Please do not talk about financial difficulties with/ in front of your kids. It will make they really worry and that is a lot on their shoulders! Vacation wise, we never really knew the luxury of going all out on vacation so we didn't have it to miss. There are many other ways to 'get out' with your family Smile

Try going to the park on Sundays and bring a ball to play with and a mini BBQ. My parents would save up for a family vacation each summer. We all knew it was a big deal that we were going to an amusement park because we didnt have much money. We enjoyed every outing so much more so because we knew it was special and our parents worked really hard for it! We didnt ask our parents for much because we knew they were giving us their all! Basically you and your family can still enjoy what life has to offer, with slight changes and a really good attitude! (There is also government aid available -if you qualify. You can talk things over with your kids school and they will prob be willing to work smtng out) Good Luck & remember just talk to H-shem Smile

nyer1

Fri, Jun 26 2015, 11:25 am

I wouldn't sit them down for a formal conversation. I would address it as the issues or questions come up. it might be a while, depending on ages of your kids, before they notice the changes, IF they even notice the changes.
if a kid asks what happened to the cleaning help -- u can say, "we're changing our budget, and from now on everyone in the family will pitch in more… which chores would you like to do?" … you aren't lying by doing this. you are offering a simple answer so as not to worry the kids. I don't think kids should ever have to worry about the finances of the family. but, they should be aware that certain things are luxuries… cleaning help being one of them.

if they ask why there is no vacation… you can again just explain that it's just not possible this year. instead, you can say, we're going to go on a VERY special day trip instead.

nyer1

Fri, Jun 26 2015, 11:27 am

yaeli83 wrote:

getting scholarships is great, but the problem OP is presenting would still be there.. if someone is on scholarships, there are little extras happening (lessons, vacations, cleaning help)… etc…. I would hope.