Painful--Sister Leaving Tznious

PinkFridge

Tue, Jun 23 2015, 7:20 pm

Maya wrote:

That's what she showed outwardly, to you. But you'll never know how she really felt, and feels.

That's possible but hat's off (figuratively) to both the poster and the SIL for maintaining the relationship. I have a hunch that there's enough graciousness from both sides to go around.

b from nj

Tue, Jun 23 2015, 9:36 pm

Dolly, if OPs sister feels that she needs therapy to address this issue then that is her decision to make. I doubt ANYONE would pay for therapy to help convince them to dress more tzniusly. I don't think that is an issue that requires therapeutic intervention even if she claims to the OP that it's a struggle for her & that she feels somewhat guilty about it.

Dolly Welsh

Tue, Jun 23 2015, 10:13 pm

People hang their internal hurts on all sorts of hooks. There are people who wipe doorknobs. That's not really about literal germs. She has said plainly she needs to be "the best of the best always", and, in ways that obviously are conflict-causing among some people. She mentioned conflict with her mother. She actually cried tears.

Yes, it's the OP here who is doing the hurting, but she is reporting hurt from this unseen sister.

This is a direct quote from OP:

"I asked her about it, and she says she feels tremendously guilty about it and she knows it is not right, but she can't fight against the desire to look good, whatever that means to her."

So I am saying it is not really about tznius at all, really.

I agree you don't go to a shrink for halachic issues.

amother

Red

Tue, Jun 23 2015, 10:24 pm

OP, please disregard people's comments that she is an "adult" or mind your own business. Adults can make mistakes too, you know.
This is your sister, and of course, regardless of what anyone will tell you on here - if a person does not dress tznius (according to halacha), it is an avera. Daven for her to do teshuva and try to be the best example that you can be. Maybe give it some time and then try to speak gently and respectfully to her explaining to her that halacha, and not our own opinion, is kovea what is tznius and what is not, and that it is a shame that she is projecting herself a certain way on the outside that does not reflect who she is on the inside (ie: if everyone is focusing on her physicality, her neshama is not shining out as much).

HindaRochel

Wed, Jun 24 2015, 2:37 am

Suggestion:

PinkFridge

Wed, Jun 24 2015, 9:19 am

amother wrote:

Basically, though, you're saying what a lot of people on this thread are, and you seem to appreciate that timing and delivery are crucial.

chani8

Thu, Jun 25 2015, 2:14 am

amother wrote:

op, next time please post such threads in the chareidi section.

Perhaps you're right. But then maybe she wouldn't get the perspective that she doesn't have to save her sister's soul. All that social pressure on tznius may drive a wedge between these two sisters.

amother

Periwinkle

Thu, Jun 25 2015, 12:03 pm

My DH's family are all yeshivish. I got plenty of comments because I was a little different, but still very tznius (like I wore denim skirts or more funky kind of clothes but always covered knees even while sitting). Once, my sis in law actually leaned forward and pushed my snood around bec. a drop of my hair was showing. I was horrified at being manhandled. After a while though, I couldn't handle it and just wanted to blend in so my look slowly changed to the more typical. And then I realized that I hated what I was doing and the acceptance of nasty, judgmental ppl really meant nothing to me.

So, after nearly 15 years of marriage, I can't stand my sisters in law and my mother in law and have basically no relationship other than a surface cordiality. It doesn't help my DH because its hard for him to have a relationship with ppl who his wife can't stand. I won't go to their homes for yomtov anymore. Our children aren't really that close.

OP, is that what you want? Bec. while she may listen now, there's a limit to the level of criticism that ppl can take. Just let it go. Don't go to the restaurant if you're so embarrassed. Just eat take-out. G-d.

saw50st8

Thu, Jun 25 2015, 12:21 pm

amother wrote:

op, next time please post such threads in the chareidi section.

This isn't a "charedi" issue. This is an issue of internalizing other people's "faults." People should not internalize their siblings slide to the right or left personally. Each person is on their own growth path. People make different choices based on their own needs/wants/desires/halachic interpretation etc.

Just because you don't approve of what your siblings are doing, doesn't mean it's your responsibility to fix them unless it is being done to you or they ask for your assistance.

I don't approve of either of my sisters lifestyle choices for one reason or another. That's ok. It's their choice, their life and their responsibility. Nothing drives people further away than constantly being bombarded with criticism.

PinkFridge

Thu, Jun 25 2015, 12:28 pm

saw50st8 wrote:

Hey saw, don't underestimate the chareidi forum posters Wink

laer

Tue, Jun 30 2015, 8:09 am

When sister's feel loved regardless of the choices they make usually they return to the way they were raised.
I teach in a high school where girls choose very "different " paths. I see time and time again how love and warmth and respect bring them back. Takes patience and consistency. Much Hatslacha