Does the gift have to cover the meal?

amother

Lavender

Thu, Jun 25 2015, 5:56 am

It's been awhile since I've been to a sit-down dinner bar mitzvah. Recently went to one & it was quite fancy. Is my gift supposed to cover the cost of my meal? Is that the way it works? What does one give these days for a bar mitzvah gift?
Please give gift ideas too!!! Have no idea! Truth is I don't know this kid at all - husband is friends with father of BM boy.

Iymnok

Thu, Jun 25 2015, 6:00 am

We give a Sefer to the bachur. A small set if we're close to a small single volume for a son of an acquaintance.
Bar Mitzvas the gift is for the boy, no connection to the expense put out. (According to me)

Ruchel

Thu, Jun 25 2015, 6:49 am

Outside of Imamother I don't know people who do (open?) cheshbonos like that. Cover my meal? I don't even think of it.

etky

Thu, Jun 25 2015, 6:56 am

Ruchel wrote:

Outside of Imamother I don't know people who do (open?) cheshbonos like that. Cover my meal? I don't even think of it.

Many, many people here in Israel make that calculation. In certain circles that's just what's done. There are even on-line calculators to help you judge how much to give (based on day of the week, season of the year, type of venue etc.).
It's not how I, or the people in our circles decide how much to give but it is definitely a wide-spread norm here

Iymnok

Thu, Jun 25 2015, 6:59 am

I think it's more for weddings though. I learned about it from my sister, it's common in her circles, not mine.

etky

Thu, Jun 25 2015, 7:00 am

amother wrote:

For a bar/bat mitzvah I prefer to give a gift rather than a check. For a boy usually a gift certificate to a camping store or a sefer/set of seforim. For a girl the same or jewelry if she's the type to enjoy that.

etky

Thu, Jun 25 2015, 7:01 am

Iymnok wrote:

I think it's more for weddings though. I learned about it from my sister, it's common in her circles, not mine.

I think you're right about that.

33055

Thu, Jun 25 2015, 8:08 am

In my circle the BM gifts are nicer than the wedding gifts. Usually nothing for the couple and the boy always gets something. Even the poorest gave my son nice gifts.
A quick Chesbon tells me the meal was covered.

amother

Burgundy

Tue, Jun 30 2015, 8:47 pm

It depends. If you know that the proceeds will be used to cover the cost of the affair then by all means if not then there should be no correlation. If anything it should be reversed. Don't see why a wealthy couple should get more money than a couple who needs the money to start out in life.

Jeanette

Tue, Jun 30 2015, 8:50 pm

I don't think people should have to weigh attending an event based on if they can afford to cover the cost of their meal or not. If you're going to invite people to your simcha, invite only those people you want and can afford to host. Don't depend on them to cover the cost of the simcha. And people should give gifts that they consider reasonable and within their budget.

imasoftov

Wed, Jul 01 2015, 3:52 am

I will be happy to do this when an itemized bill comes with the invitation, with an accountant's certification. Or maybe I'd talk to the couple and recommend that they elope. Or just move in together, whichever would upset the parents more.