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Is this neglect?
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amother
Periwinkle


 

Post Sun, Jul 05 2015, 10:52 am
Here's my question:
I'm always up extremely early, as I have early risers. Anyway, usually after the kids are in gan and my baby falls asleep I'm able to catch up on some sleep, as I work at night. However on Shabbos, when there is no gan, I'm bombed.
What ends up happening is that while DH is in shul, and baby falls asleep at about 8:30, I ask DS (3) and DD (2) (who play beautifully together and entertain very well Bah) if I can rest a little bit. I take out lots of toys for them (don't get upset if I wake up to a mess as I made this CHOICE) and go to my room to lay down. Thing is, I really nap. And they play. I hear them, sometimes I hear an argument, but I choose to let them deal with it and continue to sleep. Obviously if one is really crying I get up, see what is going on, often give them a nice nosh to keep them busy and try to rest a bit more until I have to get up and set the table/daven)

I always feel VERY VERY guilty doing this. Is it wrong to leave children to their own resources and not entertain them, be readily available for them? At that age specifically? I kind of feel neglectful and I don't know if that's just me being a guilty mom constantly or if I really should be feeling that way.

Looking forward to your opinions.
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amother
Rose


 

Post Sun, Jul 05 2015, 10:58 am
I let my toddlers play while I sleep also. I guess I should feel guilty as well, but I don't. They are happy, and they have a rested mother.
If I lived in a house, I would keep them in the same room while I slept, but to me an apartment is like one big room with partitions.
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imaima




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 05 2015, 11:02 am
Many people doit. I was personally too anxious, but it is because I have an open kitchen with no gate.
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sweetpotato




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 05 2015, 11:05 am
They're in a child safe space with an adult at home? Of course it's not neglect.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 05 2015, 11:09 am
To me, the quick answer is, how are the kids doing? And in your case, they are doing well.

If we worry about unusual things, like unexpected fires (I trust you know what to check for, and have a basically safe home), one might ask how we sleep during the nights.

For you to nap, the expectation might be that they are mature enough to wake you in a crisis, that the house is well childproofed, and that they basically play nicely together.

Sounds to me like you should say, "b"H", and nap without guilt. If the situation changes, you may have to change. For now, enjoy it!
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amother
Periwinkle


 

Post Sun, Jul 05 2015, 11:15 am
I'm not so worried about safety as I am about the fact that I'm not actively there for such young children. They'd obviously prefer if I was up and playing with them, providing for them, smiling with them etc. Instead I'm just the tired Mommy who needs to rest and I don't know if that's fair....I feel like it's a lot to ask of a 3 year old and 2 year old to self entertain....but perhaps I'm being overly guilty as I always am!

I'm kind of relieved. I was sure everyone on here would say WHAT??? HOW CAN YOU LEAVE KIDS TO PLAY BY THEMSELVES??? part of me thinks it's healthy and good for them, but part of me feels bad....

Of course, they sometimes come in and whisper to me what they are doing, and I'll smile at them and they go out. They know where to find me....still though....
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sky




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 05 2015, 11:30 am
They sound very happy and content with the setup.
And if this helps you be a better mommy the rest of the day I think it is excellent.
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finallyamommy




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 05 2015, 12:13 pm
Children NEED to learn to play by themselves. As long as this isn't all the time, you're doing them a favor.
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Miri1




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 05 2015, 4:19 pm
If they're playing in a child safe room, it might be comparable to them waking up before you, and playing self sufficiently until you wake up.
But I wouldn't give them food to eat while I'm asleep. You want to be awake and in the vicinity of young children while they're eating.
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amother
Babypink


 

Post Sun, Jul 05 2015, 4:45 pm
Since you asked for opinions.......

I don't think its ok yet at that age. It's one thing to doze off on the couch in the room with them; it's another to be sound asleep in your bedroom. It's not when they're crying that's of concern, it's what they're getting up to when they're quiet!

Can you try going to sleep earlier on Friday night? Can you work out a schedule with DH so you can sleep in the afternoon? Is there a teenager nearby who wouldn't mind watching the, for a while?
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squirrel




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 05 2015, 4:56 pm
I dont think its safe at all since kids that age can get to all kind of things. Just thinking of things my little toddler got to while I was around, she took a step stool climbed up and got a hold of a box of matches in a cabinet, she turns stove knobs and knows how to leave my house on her own.
I think a safer idea would be to try and get some rest on a couch near the playing children so atleast you are around and maybe a bit more alert.
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chayamiriam




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 05 2015, 4:58 pm
I think your doing what ever any tired mommy does! You don't have to be on top of your kids every minute to be a good mommy! Your doing your best, that's all that counts!
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 05 2015, 5:37 pm
I don't think it's neglectful to not be hands-on with the kids all the time, I think they need some space sometimes and you're lucky your kids can handle that. But I do not feel that it's OK to go to a different room and go to sleep with kids that age awake and playing together. I would rest on a couch/bed in the same room while they're playing so I could at least minimally supervise, keep half an eye and ear on them, and if I happen to doze off here and there, well I tried. Actually falling into a real sleep in this situation has only happened a couple of times when I was extremely exhausted (and probably pregnant, too. That never helps my alertness.)

Such little kids really can't take care of themselves while you sleep. I happen to be blessed with kids who are generally well-behaved, very tame, and have a good sense of caution. It's tempting to supervise them less and sometimes I'll do chores in a different room and kind of forget about them for a little bit. But even with such generally smart, tame children there have been times when my attention lapsed and I came back just in the nick of time to discover one had moved on from their nice quiet activity and was now in the living room hovering precariously on the edge of the table top. And there have also been times when I stepped out and returned to the room too late to see what set off a cry. Coming to the rescue when a child is already crying is often too late. Especially since you're going to sleep - not even just dozing off but going to sleep - by the time the crying penetrates your consciousness, you get out of bed, and get to where the kids are, that's not such a quick response.

Neglect might be a strong word but I really don't think this is a good idea.
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PAMOM




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 05 2015, 5:55 pm
Not neglect but a really bad idea if you're sleeping in another room. Can you guarantee nothing with a sharp end (from pencil to table)? Can you guarantee they won't climb? Is all heavy furniture (bookcases, TV stand) bolted to
the wall? Do they have access to food (choking hazard)? Obviously a child can get hurt from these things even when you're awake but it's much easier to prevent things if you're in the room, even semi-awake. I sympathize with your need for more sleep--but you asked us.
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amother
Jade


 

Post Sun, Jul 05 2015, 6:43 pm
A neighbor of mine did the same. She and her DH took a nap on shabbos at the same time. There were 2 separate incidents where she had to call Hatzola and take her kids to the hospital. One of them included getting some of her kids stomach pumped. CPSE was called and she was under surveillance for a year. This happened a few years back, and to my knowledge the parents never nap the same time anymore, even with teenagers now in the house.

This past shabbos I only had little kids. I didnt nap at all. I had alot of coffee.
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penguin




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 05 2015, 7:10 pm
You have to know your kids. Some will get into major trouble the minute your back is turned, some are just not mischievous & play safely. As long as you sleep with one ear open, you're doing what many people do.
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Tzutzie




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 05 2015, 7:33 pm
penguin wrote:
You have to know your kids. Some will get into major trouble the minute your back is turned, some are just not mischievous & play safely. As long as you sleep with one ear open, you're doing what many people do.


This.
I have a nephew who can sit in his high chair w a few legos for two hours straight!
Not my daughter. Today I left the room (with the baby - she loves her sister VERY much and likes hugging her TOO tightly). I just went to take the laundry basket back into the laundry room and there was cereal all over the floor.... my knives are kept on a high shelf. Not in the drawers (she's tall and reaches w her long arms). I would NEVER be able to let her play for 1.5 minutes unsupervised. My sil on the other hand, she can give her sweet tame son a few legos in the crib and set an alarm for two hours later. He'll be happy and content.
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 05 2015, 7:55 pm
penguin wrote:
You have to know your kids. Some will get into major trouble the minute your back is turned, some are just not mischievous & play safely. As long as you sleep with one ear open, you're doing what many people do.
I completely disagree. with kids this young no matter how well you know them to be "reliable" you still can't trust them. Kids this young are still developing and are full of curiosity and surprises. She said 2 and 3, not 8 and 9. Maybe 8 and 9 I would say if you know your kid to be safe and responsible you can leave them to sleep. At 2 and 3 you don't know anything, even if it seems like you do.
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causemommysaid




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 05 2015, 8:19 pm
I am not concerned that you are not playing with them. Kids manage just fine playing on their own. I am concerned about the safety aspect of it. If you are really napping you won't hear if G-d forbid the 2 year old chokes on something or if they are playing with wires/outlets, etc.

As long as you are absolutely sure they are in a child proof setting then enjoy your nap, otherwise sleep on the couch so you can supervise.

At one point I had a super super child proof apartment (kitchen fully gated off, all outlets covered, no sharp edges, no choking hazards, all furniture secured) and I knew there was no way my kid could get into anything. I would let him play while I napped on the couch.
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amother
Plum


 

Post Sun, Jul 05 2015, 8:29 pm
CPS will indicate you for taking a nap during the day when your children are not supervised.
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