Help.... I feel sick to my stomach

Queen6

Sun, Jul 05 2015, 8:37 pm

You should feel sick to your stomach. What kind of parents are you? Who has a smart phone with no filter? Who would allow that? If you have no filter than the phone should be in YOUR hand at all times.
Stop flipping out and get rid of the phone or get a filter.
Are you living in denial?
If your son has access to your phone and is looking up inappropriate things yes he will be probably be watching [filth] shortly.

mommyla

Sun, Jul 05 2015, 8:49 pm

Queen6 wrote:

What a horrible thing to say to someone. You should be ashamed of yourself.

There are real people behind all of these screen names.

FWIW, OP, you sound like great parents. You messed up a bit, who doesn't? And now you're taking control of the situation. Good for you.

DrMom

Mon, Jul 06 2015, 12:17 am

amother wrote:

I'm a total wreck.
I caught my 11 year old son sneaking off with my phone. my kids keep figuring out my passwords... so I usually try to keep tabs on my phone. when I asked him if he has my phone he lied and said no, but then I managed to get out of him the truth. something made me suspicious so I decided to check my history on my phone, and I'm sick to my stomach.
since sunday he has been searching on google different things all of s$xual nature! he watched a few explicit videos on youtube!!! when I confronted him, he admitted to it, and said it's only since sunday. and that his friend told him what to look for.... He's 11 !!!!!!!
I'm so shaken up, I have no idea how to proceed. the irony of it, is that my husband is so dedicated to our kids, we have what I thought was such good communication with the kids. My husband took the time a while ago to explain to him the changes that will happen to him with puberty...etc...
when we asked him why he did it, he said he was curious.
How should we proceed????
I don't want him to chas veshalom get hooked on [filth] embarrassed

any help or advice would be appreciated

1. Your son needs to discontinue this friendship ASAP. And you should alert his parents about his activities..

2. Explain to your children that it is not okay to keep taking your phone and trying to invade your privacy. How completely disrespectful of them. Create a strong password that your kids cannot figure out. Strealing their parents private property and invading their privacy should not be tolerated. Remove privileges when this happens.

3. Have a discussion with your kids about appropriate behavior, kibud horim, and respecting all human beings (including not watching others degrade themselves).

ABC

Mon, Jul 06 2015, 2:21 am

amother wrote:

[b]GET RID OF YOUR PHONE!!!!

You do realize that whether you like it or not you are leaving PLAYBOY around. He is only a little boy. He doesn't even have a yetzer tov. You can talk until you are blue in the face, he may not be able to contain his impulse.

Before you say you need it, think of his future wife and what she may have to live with, that's even if he isn't addicted.

You would never allow your child around another child who was a bad influence. Why at this point wouldn't you "have an accident" as in drop your phone and break it tom while you are cooking and say Daddy and I decided to go with a simpler phone? You wouldn't have to embarrass your son, force him to lie and then punish him for it and then rehash the whole embarrassing episode with both parents. This whole problem is your fault as his parents to protect him from bad things.

You are fooling yourself if you think that in this day and age you can avoid these issues entirely by cutting yourself off from the outside world/denying its existence. I disagree entirely with what you have expressed here. Unless you live in a field in the middle of nowhere and expect your children to never be exposed to anything to which you disagree, this approach is set to fail. You should be giving your kids the tools to deal with the world, not trying to pretend it doesn't exist.

ABC

Mon, Jul 06 2015, 2:24 am

amother wrote:

I want to point out that addictions develop as an escape from emotions, and thrive on shame.

Avoid shaming your child. Make sure he knows the subject is not shameful, and that one mustn't feel guilty about this curiosity. It's human nature, and Hashem gives us the curiosity and the willpower to use it for the good. We use our higher brain to determine when an action is appropriate to take, but the feeling behind it (curiosity, in this case) is not wrong.

You must use your judgment to decide if it's time to talk about the beauty of a private intimate relationship, but when you do, make sure he is clear that s-x itself and the curiosity about it is not something bad. Perhaps you can have a talk about the harmful effects of [filth] (post if you want references) and the inhumane aspects of it.

P.S. It's not just religious people who have an issue with [filth].

EXCELLENT ADVICE!

ABC

Mon, Jul 06 2015, 2:25 am

amother wrote:

If I may be so bold, you can also set your phone to block adult content. Perhaps a filter may be a good idea too.

The reason you shouldn't express anger at his curiosity (the lying and stealing is a separate issue) is to keep the dialogue open. It's okay to explain why it's inappropriate for him to do this, but in a calm way. Shmiras ainayim must be his choice to keep, not something he does out of fear from you. Because you know what happens the minute he's out of your sphere of influence... which is a lot sooner than we think.

In general children should be taught that all humans struggle with their baser instincts (in many areas) and must rise above that and choose the right action. Terrorizing them into following rules (even mitzvos) is not darkei noam.

AND MORE EXCELLENT ADVICE!

amother

Brunette

Mon, Jul 06 2015, 2:44 am

I just read an interview of rrabbi shmuel from tzfat about the scandal of a certain rabbi. He. Quoted a gemara in Yuma that says that in the time ofthe second beis hamikdash they got rid of the. yetzer hara of avoda Zara and wanted to also get rid of the yezer hara of arayos. When. They realized it would result in no more babies they had to bring it back. Whhen mashiach comes and nevuah comes back it will bring back theyetzer hara of avoda Zara and now in the timesof "ikvesa demishicha" the yetzer hara of. Arayos is morethan ever as the koach of reproduction is at its peak before mashiach comes

Just a few words of chizuk

Ruchel

Mon, Jul 06 2015, 8:16 am

Filter. Now. Password on the iphone.
If there is a comp, password and let them know you have this program that records everything typed in/viewed. And remind them. Regularly. My dh took a course on that, from a "hechshered" program.

As for catalogues, don't ask for them. I don't, and hence don't get them. If you get one, throw it away after use if it has bad stuff.

SheveeS

Mon, Jul 06 2015, 12:34 pm

mommyla wrote:

Please permit me to interject my two cents but Queen6 has a very valid point. Has the OP been living under a rock these past few years? Or did she think this she is cleverer than all the great rabbonim who have been exhorting us non-stop to ban unfiltered internet from our homes (at the very minimum). I'm sorry to be so blunt but the OP has now reaped what she has sown.

MagentaYenta

Mon, Jul 06 2015, 12:40 pm

Perfect parents who don't make any mistakes are hard to find. Most will self correct when they find that previous coping actions don't work. This is just what the original poster is doing, she is self correcting. It's a rather good technique. She's not doing the same thing over the same way and expecting different results. She's changing her techniques and methods in response to the situation. Kudos to her.

PinkFridge

Mon, Jul 06 2015, 2:15 pm

[quote=]"You should feel sick to your stomach. What kind of parents are you? Who has a smart phone with no filter? Who would allow that? If you have no filter than the phone should be in YOUR hand at all times.
Stop flipping out and get rid of the phone or get a filter.
Are you living in denial?
If your son has access to your phone and is looking up inappropriate things yes he will be probably be watching [filth] shortly.[/quote]

You sound very passionate about this. Maybe you've seen too much happen yourself. Sharing those kinds of details would have softened your words. You might be a blunt, reality check giving person IRL and people who have a relationship with you know you and might well take your words in the spirit in which they are hopefully intended, motivated out of concern. But until you build a relationship with someone, and know that online this is especially hard, please know that not everything you'll see is a fire - and as the parable goes, when you see a fire, you don't need to use filtered water. We do need to self filter, in fact, I started a thread on that subject. Shev v'al taaseh, which is closely related to "discretion is the better part of valor", is a good MO online.

Barbara

Mon, Jul 06 2015, 2:23 pm

SheveeS wrote:

Are you aware that there is a section on intimacy here? That there are threads on pleasuring, z3x toys, and all sorts of other things? And you still post here. What would happen if your sons were to see this? You're clearly a terrible mother.

You get to reap what you sow as well.

Now for the rest of us, OP, what your son did is perfectly normal, not a sign of pathology or the road to damnation.

Doesn't make it wonderful, but not everything normal is wonderful.

May I suggest that you password protect your phone using a random code. yng8z4jq87z Let's see them guess that.

amother

White

Mon, Jul 06 2015, 3:59 pm

Queen6 wrote:

op here: I guess you didn't read the part where I got a filter on my phone. Your post really upset me. Are you a perfect parent? we all make mistakes, but I'm going to venture and say that our goals are probobly similar: to raise ehrliche, upright children. and that we really invest so much into our children and try our best.
Before you go ranting and raving, take a moment to consider the other person's feelings.
Just to give you an update. we got my phone filtered. we spoke to a rov that we're close to and are following his guidelines.
Wishing everyone Besuros Tovos! and noone should have this kind of agmas nefesh ever

SheveeS

Mon, Jul 06 2015, 6:21 pm

Barbara wrote:

It seems you are just trying to get a reaction so I will ignore you.

SheveeS

Mon, Jul 06 2015, 6:23 pm

amother wrote:

Good for you! and amen for your last sentence. I hope your problem gets sorted out easily and your son still manages to be ehrlich and forget all the shmutz he saw. This story should serve as a warning for anyone who thinks she's cleverer than all the gedolim who explicitly forbade unfiltered internet.

MagentaYenta

Mon, Jul 06 2015, 6:31 pm

SheveeS wrote:

Based on this post, I'm assuming that you have filters on your computer and smart phone, if you have one. I wonder how your filters manage this site with it's chatter of orgasms, and female pleasuring. After 21 posts (most of which are judgmental to a fault) you are still here reading our schmutz.

MagentaYenta

Mon, Jul 06 2015, 6:38 pm

SheveeS wrote:

I have venishmartem filter and I asked for this site to be open. Maybe it was a mistake. The site isn't "filled" like you say with shmutz and there are many interesting and relevant discussions.

Anyway, my computer is also well passworded and physically locked away so my children cannot get at it.

IMHO yea, it was a mistake on your part.