I feel like I have no relationship with my child

amother

Mistyrose

Mon, Jul 06 2015, 12:15 pm

I'm sooo depressed about it, my son is 6 years old, and is a cute smart boy, but I feel like I have no relationship with him, he could sometimes act soooo weird, I'm at my wits end already. he never shares anything with me, never tells me whats going on in cheder/ day camp. he barely greets me when he comes home, and even when I put him on the bus he wont tell me bye. I have to call his name 7 times till he's gonna do me a big favor by just mumbling bye. to other kids, hes lively and really well liked. to me he just kvetches (he's a REAL kvetch) when I try taking him on my lap and shmooze with him, he'll shrug his shoulders and tell me- leave me alone, or, nothing went on in school today..... its just sooo annoying, I try giving me so much time and attention but nothing helps. I dont even know who to ask about this issue? do you think a simple parenting course will help me? (btw, he does open just a little more to my husb)
any ideas???

amother

Gray

Mon, Jul 06 2015, 12:19 pm

I had this with my son. I started DIR with him [floor play, emphasis on attachment with parent] and he turned into a different child after 6 months. It turns out he was also traumatized at a young age and I was unaware. Even if there is no trauma, I highly recommend DIR, it did wonders! Before the treatment, he would not make eye contact with me, told me he hates me and thinks I am bad, would not let me hug or kiss him. After treatment, he loves me, is affectionate, sits on my lap when he is scared, and plays kissing games with me. He loves to play with me and talk to me--I am telling you it is night and day.
I feel for you--it is such a hard place to be in....hugs

black sheep

Mon, Jul 06 2015, 12:26 pm

as children get older and move onto new stages, we mothers are still in the same stage. it hurts to feel like they are outgrowing us, but in reality they are just moving onto a new stage, and if we want a meaningful relationship with them, we have to join them in their new stage.

as a six year old boy, he doesn't have any interest in sitting on his mother's lap and shmoozing about his day. so why not try to engage him in something he IS interested in? it is difficult after a long day of camp for him and work/housework for you, but it is well worth it. if you can, take him out for pizza just you and him. or bring him home a fun toy, like a remote control car, and play with him. or a puzzle if he likes that. talk to him about something he loves instead of trying to pull out details of his day which he is resisting. whatever his interests, engage in that with him.

it sounds like you are doing a great job giving him time and attention, but maybe just shift the focus of the type of activities you are doing with him in order to engage him better.

(I still remember when my oldest son outgrew our "getting dressed" song. he was 4 and he told me, "I can get dressed myself, we don't need to sing about it." ouch, it still hurts even today. he is taller than me now, but if he would let, I would still sing him the song as he gets dressed. children grow up, but a mother never does.)

amother

Orchid

Mon, Jul 06 2015, 12:27 pm

I don't have boys, but I do have brothers and nephews.

It sounds like you are trying to baby your son and he doesn't like it. No 6 year old wants to be forced to sit on his/her mother's lap. Sometimes they may want to cuddle or whatever, but it has to be on their terms.

Once children reach a certain age, they do not appreciate public displays of affection from their parents. That means no hugs, kisses, or effusive greetings/goodbyes, especially in front of their peers. It embarrasses them.

Some kids just don't like to be kissed in general. My 7 year old daughter made me a deal that I'm only allowed to kiss her on her forehead or the top of her head whenever I want. If I want to kiss her cheek or nose or anywhere else I have to ask permission. And that's fine with me because I'm happy she's drawing boundaries with her body.

You need to find activities to do with your child. Build things with blocks or legos, cook and bake, go to the park, etc. He may or may not open up to you, but you can't force it.

black sheep

Mon, Jul 06 2015, 12:28 pm

oh, and echoing what amother before me (gray amother) said, there is the possibility of this being a result of trauma, in which case spending time with him and giving him extra attention is even more important, even if he is resisting it.

justcallmeima

Mon, Jul 06 2015, 12:53 pm

I agree with pp who said to carve out 1 on 1 time with him, but let him take the lead. Let him choose the activity- Play a board game with him, play legos, play in the park, go swimming, let him choose what's for supper, and ask if he wants to help you make the dessert, or whatever will appeal to him. Don't try to lead the interaction. Let him lead. In the end, he may just not be an overly talkative or affectionate child. Some are, some aren't. But bonding with him over an activity of his choice will improve the relationship, even if he never runs to give you a hug. BTW, the ds who was the least overtly affectionate with me from day 1, is now the most affectionate with me of all my adult children. Go figure!

sneakermom

Mon, Jul 06 2015, 12:54 pm

Floor time can address both his need for more space and attachment.

You just sit near him while he plays. And FOLLOW his lead. If he is a firefighter you accept that and be his back up fireman. Reflect on his decisions. "You decided to shpritz out the fire right away!" He might say, "Yeh we have to get rid of it right away!" Then you can reflect on his feeling. "It's urgent. You are taking care of it."

The point is to be very respectful to let him lead the play. Don't take it over. Let his ideas emerge. And slowly reflect on his choices and feelings. And play alongside him. Get into it and have fun!!

Dolly Welsh

Mon, Jul 06 2015, 1:18 pm

What is this DIR? It sounds very useful! Where does OP go to get some?

It seems to have something to do with sitting on the floor with the child.

OP can start that right away, before finding out more detail about it.

Sitting on the floor is convenient, comfortable, easy, and makes you available on the child's terms.

He can come to you when he wants, and walk away when he wants, and will do both. Don't bug him and don't ask for interaction. Just pleasantly be there. With stuff around to talk about, toys, books. Don't get into a magazine yourself. Look unoccupied and available for chat. Watch the child. His goings on are fascinating.

In the morning, I wouldn't insist he say "bye".

YOU say "bye", he gets one kiss on his hair, never on his skin and certainly never on his mouth, and off he goes, tra la la. That's all you get from males, generally. THey are not the gushy sx.

Talk to him as if he is a man, a gentleman, with respect.

They need that, even when it may seem a little ludicrous, because the gentleman is, for the moment, pint-sized. When you model respect, you get it back in return.

But look into this DIR stuff, OP. Perhaps the poster above who mentioned it will PM you about it.

amother

Mistyrose

Mon, Jul 06 2015, 1:47 pm

op here,

First of all, thank you so much for all your replies, it already makes me feel better to hear that I'm not the only one having this, I thought something was wrong with my child.

for the one that suggested DIR, it sounds really interesting, can you please inform us what this is all about?
TIA!

Ruchel

Wed, Jul 08 2015, 10:59 am

Quote:

Sitting on the floor is convenient, comfortable, easy

Really? I find it painful. I never do it.

Quote:

In the morning, I wouldn't insist he say "bye".

This may well be a need, respect wise (kibud av ve em) as well as a good habit to get into.

Quote:

he gets one kiss on his hair, never on his skin

Talk to him as if he is a man, a gentleman, with respect.

Please no. Best way to build even more of a distance.

imaima

Wed, Jul 08 2015, 1:43 pm

I also don't get this floor thing.

Whats up with a couch or a table? Floor playing is for babies and toddlers. A 6 year old can sit in a grown up chair.

The playing that was mentioned above also sounds more suitable for a 3 y.o. and not a 6 y.o....