My almost 9 yr old ds feigns helplessness/ cluelessness.

amother

Dodgerblue

Wed, Jul 08 2015, 11:56 am

I have a son going into 3rd grade who is driving me up the wall and I am desperate for help.

He was delayed in certain skills as a toddler and received years of S/T and O/T and he still has learning challenges and will be starting a new school in the fall for children with learning disabilities. On top of that he is somewhat socially challenged/ immature. He plays beautifully with other children, often children younger than himself, but he is painfully shy and it takes him a lot of time to warm up and open up. In a new setting he might not talk for days.

That said, he is in no way even moderately physically or mentally disabled. His IQ is within normal range.

For whatever reason, he seems to love being babied and acting totally helpless. I find this neither cute or charming, obviously.

Just this morning we had a typical exchange where when I ask him to eat his breakfast he tells me he doesn't know how. When I ask him to take a towel and put it in his backpack, he tells me he doesn't know where the towels are. When I ask him to put on his shoes, he wants to know if I will help him. When I remind him to put on some sunscreen he tells me it's too hard.

Almost every day we have exchanges like this. Where he will just act like he can't do anything for himself when clearly he can because he's done it a million times before.

Other times at dinner out of the blue he might ask me to feed him.

You might think he is just craving parental attention, but I don't think that's it. He gets plenty and when DH or I try to give him more (read him a story, take him for a walk or on an errand without the siblings, play a game or do a puzzle together) he very often turns us down.

I told DH that from now on if he says he doesn't know how to eat breakfast we should just let him skip breakfast or if he pretends he doesn't know where we keep towels we should just let him go to camp without one, but DH says that's mean and inappropriate.

What do you think? What would you do?

5*Mom

Wed, Jul 08 2015, 2:16 pm

Have you had a baby in the last year-ish? If so, this is common.

Even if not, what I might do is work out a plan with him to *play baby* at a certain mutually agreeable time--feeding him his supper, or putting on his sunscreen, or whatever you are willing to do; you can even agree to let him choose--each day, and play it up, complete with all the words and voices you would use with an actual baby. But at all other times he is expected to be his own real age and do the things that he is capable of doing. If he continues his helplessness during other times, you can give him one gentle reminder--It's not *playing baby* time now; please get your towel--and let natural consequences take their course.

The caveat with this is of course that you are sure he is, from all developmental angles, capable of doing what you have asked. No guessing here; you need to be sure.

mummiedearest

Wed, Jul 08 2015, 2:35 pm

my son does this, but not to such a degree. he doesn't ask me to feed him. he puts on his own sunscreen when necessary. he will tell me he can't find the towels, or have a hard time stuffing it into a bag. he claims to have a hard time tying shoes, so I got him no-tie laces. I was tired of the daily fight. he generally tells me he can't find things, can't do some chores, etc. however, my son has low muscle tone, so a lot of things are more difficult to him. once a kid has some difficulties, he may find it easier to decide he can't do things than to actually try. while your kid may not have physical issues, he does have some delays. perhaps this is a result of those delays.

I don't give in to my son on most things. he gets dressed by himself (used to protest that one all the time), puts on his own shoes, clears his own plate from the table, can load a dishwasher, etc. I'm even teaching him to cook eggs for himself, though his lack of coordination makes using a spatula challenging.

I think you need to let him know that you will not do things for him if he is capable of doing it himself. teach him the phrase, "we don't say I can't, we say I can try." then compliment him when he says he can try something. try to boost positivity in general.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Jul 08 2015, 7:04 pm

I agree with mummiedearest and pewter. DO NOT GIVE IN. If you know for a fact that he can do something, then insist that he do it, or go without. Natural consequences are not punishments, they are simply cause and effect.

If he's genuinely struggling with something, don't do it for him. Offer to show him/teach him how to do it on his own, and then praise him. Say things like "I saw that was a really hard for you, but you tried and ended up doing a great job. I knew you could do it!"

amother

Tangerine

Wed, Jul 08 2015, 8:43 pm

I agree with the above in favor of natural consequences. I would also add, try to plan in advance where possible. For example, he can't find his towel? His bag should be ready the night before so there's no last-minute panic in the morning. Try very hard to avoid power struggles.

I would also try to give him as much EXTRA responsibility as possible, within the limits of his abilities. He should be rewarded for these. I would make a chart that hangs on the fridge or somewhere where he can review it himself. Rewards should be immediate, whether a daily sticker, or dime or whatever else for completing them, with the possibility of earning a bigger reward after a week, 2 weeks or whatever you want.

This will change his self-image, as he starts to view himself in a new light as a responsible person. Personally, I think these tasks should be not only regarding his own things (ex. throwing dirty laundry in the hamper, packing his camp bag) but also beneficial to the family (sweeping the kitchen, throwing out dirty plates or putting dishes in the sink). This is also great for self-esteem. Train him how to do new things, and be prepared to bite your lip when mistakes happen. Start small, be consistent, and find an incentive that motivates him.

ETA It's also possible that the issue is not with his physical ability to get the task done, but his ability to stay focused. If he's very easily distracted by things, the chore may just feel overwhelming to him. You'd want to try to minimize distractions as much as possible, by sticking to a routine, cutting down on clutter and noises, having good eye contact with him, etc.

Last edited by amother on Wed, May 06 2020, 10:25 pm; edited 1 time in total

12rivkyk34

Wed, Jul 08 2015, 10:02 pm

I think it's wrong to tell a kid "you're not a baby so you can do this." If he's finding it difficult, telling him it's babyish of him is just putting him down. Rather, you can question "I don't know how or it's hard?" Show him that you understand that some things may be difficult for him and you can repeat the instructions or answer any questions he has.
Although he may be able to normally put on sunscreen if he's overloaded for any reason (tired, sensory, distracted etc.) it may be difficult for him to start processing the info in his head. Like what did my mother say? Sunscreen? Where is that? Camp Bag? Oh it's a tight cover & I need to twist it...did I leave it in camp today??? As you see- that can be overwhelming so he just gives up & asks you to do it. Hints to help him when he says "I can't put on sunscreen" would be to walk him through the steps verbally. "You can't? Are you having difficulty remembering where we put it? Think when you used it last...it was for swimming today..." This helps him visualize the steps and process the info in a clear cut way.
Good luck! It's not fun but really helps and eventually he'll start thinking through the process on his own if you talk him through it often enough.