I was unsafe. But kid likes freedom. How to take it away?

amother

Emerald

Thu, Jul 09 2015, 1:02 pm

My eldest is an incredibly independent, intelligent and stubborn kid. He's 5.
I've been having depression issues since he was 2, and as such have been far from the perfect mom.
I'm in therapy now and have realized/been told by my therapist that the level of independence I've been giving my son is unsafe.

Examples of things I've allowed him to do:
* run to the bathroom at Target while I browse in another aisle
* cross busy streets ahead of me without holding my hand (I'm nearby, walking with his younger brother at toddler pace)

Recently, my 5 year old asked for a key to our apartment building because he's gotten himself locked out 3 times in the past month because he has no patience to walk at his little brother's pace. He simply does NOT LISTEN to my instructions that he must stay within my view in the building and that he can't exit the building without me. There are times when I called after him that I had to turn around -- I forgot my phone, I realized the baby needed a diaper change -- and he ignored/didn't hear me and then was left wondering where I was. When I caught up with him, I told him how dangerous it is for him to be alone outside, but didn't want to yell at him too much because he was already crying.... but apparently it didn't sink in because he did again. And then again.

My parenting needs fixing. I need to completely re-establish safety rules with him.

He is going to FIGHT ME SO HARD when I force him to hold my hand and not run ahead etc.

Please give me advice/chizzuk. And maybe help me think of other areas where I might be lax without realizing it... I really, really want to be a better mother. Sad

happybeingamom

Thu, Jul 09 2015, 1:44 pm

A rule I use with children that age. They must be in my vision. They can't go farther then I can see them. Must hold hands when crossing the street or in a large crowd.

Since you have to establish these rules I would tell him if he listens he will be rewarded. He needs to be motivated, he has to feel he is gaining something rather then losing independence..

Last edited by happybeingamom on Thu, Jul 09 2015, 2:02 pm; edited 1 time in total

octopus

Thu, Jul 09 2015, 1:50 pm

It IS going to be hard to re-establish boundaries, but it's worth doing it now. It only gets harder later on. Your best bet is before you go somewhere, review the rules. And as an incentive, you can say that children that follow the rules get a sticker, cookie, etc. And be consistent. If he doesn't follow, he doesn't get. He will test you. be prepared for that.

kollel wife

Thu, Jul 09 2015, 2:04 pm

First of all, kol hakovod to you for owning up to a problem.

Secondly, I've had some very strong minded children who it was very difficult to outside with, with the younger ones, for these reasons. So it may not only be you, it may be your child too.

Immediate consequences for me worked well with that type of child, which maybe yours is. In other words, carry some packs of winkies, pretzels or whatever you choose to immediately reward the child for not running ahead etc. If he can work with long term consequences, you can give a very good ices when you get home - great in this weather. That would be one prize for good behavior the entire time you're outside.

You can also discuss in advance why it's important to be safe. That you've realized now that you have a big boy and a younger one that we have to be more careful. You can plan and discuss what you'd like him to do. Discuss many times and discuss rewards because you know it will be hard for him in the beginning.

It's harder to have consequences outside the house unless you're prepared in advance.

Hatzlocho!

mha3484

Thu, Jul 09 2015, 2:09 pm

I have a very strong willed independent child who is 4 and 1/2. I use a lot of logic to appeal to him. I also try to give freedom in appropriate ways. When going to the park,an indoor play area or other enclosed space like the library, I always have an eye on him but I don't hover. He can walk to the end of the grocery aisle but must wait there until I get to him same with the sidewalk. He feels big but I can see him always. I see it as a balance.

Something that happened recently. We had an issue with running in the street so the next day when everyone was calm we walked over to a parked car and I asked him, can you see the steering wheel he said no and I told him that means the driver can not see you. It made an impression and now he tells me himself. Ima the car cant see me I have to hold your hand. When correcting your parenting aim for balance not helicopter.

I think these are great things to talk to your therapist about as well.

sneakermom

Thu, Jul 09 2015, 4:07 pm

Being that he is used to be very trusted I would trust him with a little honesty.

"Moshe, remember how we go to the mall and I let you run into the bathroom by yourself? Remember how you are so smart you know how to go and come back yourself? Well I was thinking it over and it seems that what I was doing wasn't so safe. A mommy should be able to see her kinderlach even if they could do it alone. So the new rule is stay close enough so I can see you. It's going to take getting used to so for every fifteen minutes (or longer) that you practice this and I see you, you get a small treat. (Or a ticket that leads to a reward).

This method is respecting the (that he did get neglected somewhat and therefore became more independent) while making healthy changes in the present.

Good luck. You sound like a kind mommy!